Today is my wedding day and it doesn't seem real at all, maybe that's because it's not, not exactly anyway. It's more of a mixed variation of lies, betrayals, and half-truths swirled together and supposedly forgotten for today, one perfect day. A day where I'm supposed to vow to spend the rest of my life with the person I love the most, want to live with forever. It's so much bullshit. But will I back out of it? No way. It's what fate has planned for me. What everyone expects of me.
So, yes, Embry (my fiancé) and I will go through with it. Sure, my parents will get that ideal wedding for their daughter, their perfect little Saryn, in their spacious backyard that has been decked out in white flowing perfection. That same frilly stuff that I would never normally agree to, except for the fact that I already did. Besides, it's only another role, a part in a play that I like to call the real world (not that MTV stuff), or life, whichever. But that doesn't make today anymore surreal than it seems or anymore real than reality has to make it and it doesn't have to mean to me what every other women might think it means to them. To me, it's only another memory to add to my collection, just another part of my day, today. Honestly.
Embry has a need to be around women, lots of different women. He's an unintentional flirt, as he calls it, and his good looks and magnetic personality have always left me wondering. What the hell is he doing with me when he could be hooking up with so many other girls ten times better than me? But who's to say he hasn't been doing that all along? The signs have been there for a while, but I've always chosen to ignore them, mostly. The one time I did make it an issue, he denied any real interactions other then work related, and proceeded to calmly tell me that anything that could ever happen with another women would only be about sex, a sexually induced betrayal that would only last for a matter of moments, and then he would be back home to me. The women he loves, he cherishes, he desires more than any other women. How sweet. I'm all those things and yet still the same woman that he will never respect. Not completely.
I suppose it's the same for me though. I'm not the perfect girlfriend, fiancé, or girl in general. I've never wanted to be. I have my issues, baggage, and betrayals too. Embry loves me, but he'll never love me enough to stop himself from doing it. I love him, but not as much as I probably need to in order to be a perfect wife, and definitely not as much as I loved Ace, my first love.
I glance at myself in the full size mirror. A floor length white gown, white satin, sheer, and lace all over, my face and body standing somewhere up under all of it, creating this incredible beauty that's been prepared so carefully for this occasion. But am I really worthy of this role? Do I really even want this part in life? A little late for such thoughts when I've already betrayed myself enough to know that things that are right for me don't necessarily have to be what I want anymore. That's not how things seem to occur in my world. It's like in business; you learn things early, quickly. Then use it to your advantage until you find that right deal, that perfect position for yourself and when it's offered to you, you take it. It's what works, what looks right, seems right. It's just what's supposed to be. That's it.
I see Ace out the window, standing across the street from my parent's home. He's talking to himself. God, I use to always hate that about him. It was always such an annoying habit. He's probably contemplating whether he should really be a witness to such fallacies. But I invited him and he sent back the reply, so he damn well better show or this whole thing won't even seem quite worth it in the end. It's his fault that this isn't him marrying me, loving me, making me happy. He did this with his constant lies and admitted betrays every time he got caught. All I did was stop dealing with it, tried to move on so that we could both stop hurting each other. But does the pain from letting go of that first love, that right person, ever really go away? Can it? Especially when you know that the love you created with that person was real, could withstand almost everything, and may even still exist in your heart.
'It's time sweetheart. This is your day,'� states my mother as she steps into the room. She's smiling, lying to herself as usual. Masking all the betrayals that fill up her own life, our lives. Stupid woman. Doesn't she realize this isn't my day? Not mine at all. This is the day for that girl whose reflection is staring back at me in the glass of the window. Me, I'm just the character in the costume, playing along and pretending. I've always been so good at those things. It's no wonder, I learned a lot from her.
Standing in the back, waiting for my moment, my perfect entrance, it never has felt quite so strange. Why? Because I know I can run. I can take off this heavy hot beautiful gown and leave and I won't have to bother looking back at all. But will I act upon this overwhelming impulse to do just that? Of course not, I'm here, I'm ready, and what exactly would be the point of turning back now when I've already been made into the perfect character.
I tilt my head just slightly and peek out at all the guest. There are tons of people, some my age and some not. Most of whom I don't even recognize, except for my few friends that I've managed to stay in touch with over the last couple of years and him, Ace. The one who got away as everyone always likes to put it, but the more appropriate wording would be the one who I had to get away from.
Instinctively, he must have known I was staring at him because he turns around and stares right back at me. His strained expression quickly turning into a smile, that same 'I'm pretending to be happy but I'm really not at all' smile. Just one of his many that I know all to well, I've always known, I can't seem to forget even after all this time.
But I have to look away, the music is starting, my audience awaiting my grand debut, and I must play the perfect role.
I am breathing so much easier after I manage to make it through the vows, the I do's. I did it. I took the plunge, dove right in with no hesitation, and now I am officially Mrs. Embry Levvens. I'm continuing to play my part. Greeting everyone with gracious thank you's and yes, I'm so happy's, and periodically kissing my new spouse to add the final touch of reality to it. Damn I'm good, but not that good.
My breathing increases slightly along with my heart rate as I see Ace making his way over. Embry momentarily goes off to greet some old friends for a minute before we all move on to the rest of the reception schedule. So, I'm all alone and the man I've always loved, the first man I've ever really loved is heading straight towards me on my wedding day. What could have been our wedding day. Oh the irony.
I've seen this moment in my head hundreds of times and I already have a plan prepared for it. Though somewhat outrages and a bit unbecoming of a new bride, but I don't care. Hell, for once today I should get to be who I really am before I go off and barely get to be me at all anymore.
I don't hesitate, but excuse myself and get up, heading inside the house, turning back once to make sure he's following behind. But I already know he is even before my gray eyes meet his blue ones. I already know he'll continue following until I stop and let him speak, say whatever it is that he needs to say.
I continue walking, picking up my dragging gown as I head upstairs, passing no one along the way. Thankfully they are all outside, greedily awaiting the expensive dinner and cake they will devoir in a matter of hours.
I stop at the bathroom and step inside waiting only a moment before Ace shows up, standing at the door, slightly uncertain about my intentions, but smiling all the while. I usher him inside quickly and shut the door. He starts to speak, but I quiet him, putting a finger to his lips. I look at him, his eyes, his face, that slightly afraid smile, making my own mental memory of him for this final moment between us.
'I want you.'� I say.
The words emerge from my lips in a seductive whisper of desperation and before we both know it, we are kissing. Not pecks with lips closed, but heated passionate kisses that take my breath away and smear my lipstick that has been so delicately applied to my lips. He taste like spearmint and smells of obsession cologne. My favorites, and only he knows this. Maybe that's why he chose it, for a moment like this one.
His hands hold me gently but firmly, certain not to wrinkle my gown and I swear I can feel him smiling in this kiss. It's perfect. It's just enough to let me get that minor escape from my current starring role. So when we pull apart and I know the kiss is over, I feel relaxed, not bothered or uncomfortable, or even guilty for doing such a thing on today of all days.
He looks at me strangely, unable to speak, but questioning just what this has all meant. Nice to know I can still have that effect on him, that I'm the only girl that can still leave him speechless after a kiss. But I'm certain that he knows what this has been all about. He has to. He has always been the only other person besides my mother and Embry who have taught me how to betray the one's I love even when there is no real reason for doing the betrayals at all, at least no good reason.
I smile back at him, turn around and look in the mirror, check my make up, reapply my lipstick (which is the only reason why I even chose this bathroom, all my make up is right here), and place myself back into my role of Mrs. Embry Levvens.
He still doesn't say a word, just stares. I simply want to laugh. I know my eyes are laughing, but he doesn't see that, not anymore.
I turn back around, thank him for coming and promptly walk out, shutting the bathroom door behind me. I leave him there, feeling used and shocked. How could his once sweet innocent little girlfriend become such a women like this? Doesn't he know the betrayed becoming the betrayer isn't as difficult of a task as it seems. If not, he should. They all should. Besides, its just another role and I've always been very good at playing roles and pretending. How could I not be, I've always learned from the very best actors.

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