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Backstage Dalliance
I feel swan-tingle through
abstracts of your depth.
Little hearts, unjustified
in hopes of faithful acts.
Careful minds let nothing happen
but metaphoric touching.
Yet metaphors mean so much more
than what they'd have you think.
You've parted your lips
and I've focused your eyes.
Little hearts, both taken back
by wrongs that touch like rights.
We tighten our proximity
pretending nothing's happening
And sit alone in Bartlett's hall
waiting for more of nothing.
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Comment by: chuckie - 2007-07-02 17:11
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| not so careful are the minds that try and think the eyes of others are blind |
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Comment by: Bucho - 2007-07-01 23:15
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i definitely love "swan-tingle" as i love doing that kind of word salad in my pieces too.
i don't think this feels incomplete at all personally. i think it says exactly what it wants and ends where it needs too. "waiting for more of nothing" was a great way to end this one... |
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Well "swan-tingle" works for me!
I like this poem it's original, short, and a winning combination. |
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| Thanks guys, I have that same feeling that something is missing from this poem but I have no idea what it is. I don't think it's another stanza, maybe just some more flesh on what's already there? I just don't wanna over write it. Does swan-tingle work for you guys? |
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Sweet little poem, but I agree that it seems strangely incomplete. I can't put my finger on it, but it seems a stanza too short. *shrugs* Can't explain it. I liked these lines very much
"You've licked your lips
and I've focused your eyes.
Little hearts, both taken back
by wrongs that touch like rights."
but I did not like the 'cept in
"'cept metaphoric touching"
as it seems really jarring in the cool, smooth tones you've used in the poem. |
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