THE PLACEMENT OF THINGS
(ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AT PINDELDYBOZ.COM)
by Michael Overa

Directions: Place all items carefully and as directed. Precision is required for full effect. Only after initially mapping is completed should the user begin to place items for him/herself. For further reference see attached diagrams and charts.

Item: Hairbrush, black with red rubber handle.

Place on bathroom counter to right of sink, indicating right handed user. Place medium length brown hair between plastic bristles. Handle should angle towards the bottom of the sink, at a 37 degree angle, 3/4 of the plastic handle overhanging the edge of the counter. Place head of brush (bristles up) 2 from lip of sink. Please note supplements: pace in close proximity various hair-care products (one bottle Tru Style hair spray, one jar Prio hair pomade, six bobby pins [black metal], two berets of brown tortoise shell plastic.)

Items: various cleaning supplies, in cardboard box.

Place on kitchen floor, just at the end of the counter. Include: windex, simple green, yellow rubber gloves, two sponges, one roll of absorbent paper towels, carpet cleaner, and two toothbrushes.

Item: Bottle (750 ml) Red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon) in green bottle with Two Red Birds label.

Place to left of stove, near black plastic cooking utensils in white porcelain vase. Open bottle. Leave cork upended in bottle with ½ visible, black print along side of cork facing into kitchen. Wine label facing almost entirely towards the refrigerator (i.e.: left). Bottle should contain approximately 345 ml of wine. For consistency, place two 250ml bell shaped wine glasses in sink. One glass broken at the stem, still sitting cracked in the stainless steel sink. Silty red residue should line both glasses. Glasses should be further fingerprinted. (There is one other bottle of wine, same brand, in the recycling bin inside the right hand door under sink [green bin with white bag note, garbage is in a white bin with white bag on left hand side]).

Item: 3 x 5 photograph of young couple leaning towards each other at a restaurant.

Place in garbage can. Near top, face down. Inscription on the back in blue ball point pen should read: "Café Elysium, One year anniversary."

Item: Two DVD cases (one comedy, one action. Rented from Captain Video, 2231 Summerset Ave.)

Place comedy on top of action DVD. Top case rotated at 15 degrees with respect to bottom case. Otherwise aligned. Action case should be set at the center left of the coffee table (black metal frame, beveled glass tabletop, dusty, ringed from coffee supplement two fashion magazines of recent issue, and the sports section of last Sunday's Herald, newspaper on bottom of the stack, face down. Arrange casually, placed on the right center of coffee table). Also, near right edge (distance of 4 3/4) place two remote controls, one set of car keys (Honda), one white ceramic coffee cup with Earl Gray tea bag stuck to bottom. Place actual Comedy DVD in Sony DVD player located on shelf beneath Toshiba TV.

Item: Round glass goldfish bowl with blue gravel, and two goldfish

Place on top of refrigerator, center evenly from all edges. Place small cardboard tube of fish food beside bowl. Suggested names: Bonny and Clyde. Purchased from Fish World, prior to moving into apartment. Feed fish one pinch of food each, once a day.

Item: Two cardboard boxes, U-Haul brand, 2500 cubic inches.

Place near front door, just inside the hallway. Place inside boxes: six novels (in English) of various types. Four textbooks for community college physics courses. Two picture frames including pictures of what appear to be families. One balsa wood cigar box containing various foreign currency, letters, dried flowers, etc. Two notebooks, spiral bound, 70 pages, college ruled. Also place in boxes, two coffee cups, one navy blue with gold embossed community college logo, and one white with black printed skull and crossbones with the words "Pirate Jack's Carribean Tour" in Gothic Font.

Item: Dry erase white board with blue marker.

Place on refrigerator (attach with magnetic strips), on freezer or upper door. In looping or feminine script write soy milk, in boxy masculine script underneath, write: Call bank, and Pay rent, underneath in feminine script: Love you.
In addition, please place the following in casual arrangement on the main refrigerator door: one landscape photo magnate of rain forest waterfall, one red and white colander from J.F. Johnson Real Estate Group, Ltd, seven small black magnets holding receipts, miscellaneous reminder notes, photo of a man and woman at a beach (sunny, white sand, looking over their shoulders at camera, wearing sunglasses, slightly tan.)

Item: blackish stain (wine)

Place near silver metal divide between kitchen linoleum and living room carpet. Locate stain six inches from this divide on the carpet side. Stain is approximately the size of an American silver dollar, and dim around edges.

Item: Silver cordless PhoneMate telephone with built in answering machine, (Red light blinking the numeral two.)

Place on narrow waist high glass top table in hallway (also black metal frame, matching coffee table.) Place to far left, six inches from the left edge of the table, and eight inches from the front edge. Cord should hang down behind the table.
Supplement: place one stack of mail of various dates over the past three days. Include advertisements, and various notices. Also, one notebook with blue cover (six by four inches, college rule, eighty pages, blue pen on thirty one pages. Text includes phone numbers and personal notes.) Three pens (two blue ballpoint, one black gel roller), $1.83 in change, two safety pins.

Item: Voice message (two)

Place on voice message machine listed above. Voice message one is from an older woman asking the homeowner to consider switching insurance. Message two is a male voice, baritone, scratchy, tired sounding: It's me (two second pause), I'll be by on Friday. (pause of 7.1 seconds.) I guess you don't want to talk to me. I'll leave the key in the mailbox with my half of the rent (pause of 2.9 seconds), if you're not there I understand. My brother is going to help me move. (pause of 3.4 seconds.) I hope you're okay. I'll talk to you later. You have my number. Okay. (pause of 2.6 seconds), bye.

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