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From his spot beneath a springtime tree
From his spot beneath a spring time tree
Resting under a carousel
The old man closed his eyes for the final time
And died.
No childhood friends came to meet him,
Or lovers from his past
Alone he roamed his field of dreams
A parting smile at last.
His journey led him South
amidst the music
Old school Blues,
guitars and riffs
Created in the world of death.
A carnival of masks and mystery
Drag queen dancers
Rum and coke party nights
Entwined amongst the singers.
Turning every corner
Each step a never discovered world
A rickety table, chairs set for two
On a paving stone for one.
A meeting of minds
A remembrance of last regrets
Visions of what could have been
And what will be now.
From his spot beneath a spring time tree
Sunshine warms his face.
The old man travels to places unknown
And comes to life at last.
Charlotte Scadeng © June 2007
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Comment by: solaris - 2007-06-26 05:20
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you have a few really clean, clear images in this - but i feel they are getting bogged down in some of the less necessary wording you've opted to use. just my opinion, of course. it made me want to extract those images, as the core of the piece, and see them free of the clutter. i have to say, though, that this is because i am currently writing this way and so i'm seeing it in everyone else's work, lol. some things you've included, i felt could be brought to the poem by the reader, and didn't need spelling out.
the strongest images that struck me were that of the old guy beneath the tree, closing his eyes, dying (did you need 'for the last time'? he's dying, so it kind of says that anyway), and these:
Old school Blues,
guitars and riffs
A rickety table, chairs set for two
On a paving stone for one.
A meeting of minds
drag-queens and rum and coke, the sunshine on his face, his smile.
these are what stayed with me, the rest i found bothersome.
just me thinking aloud, and feel perfectly happy to disagree with me. |
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| I enjoyed the story in your poetry. I liked it. |
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| Nice progressive of concepts leading to Kharma. |
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| I will soon upload a similar poem I wrote few months ago. Read it. The more I read your poetry I'm more convinced that you and I have pretty much same style and same view of the whole world. I like this poem! Very poetic and I like the space it leaves for thinking. |
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