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kjfloyd119
K. J. Floyd
United States, TX, San Antonio

Words: 193
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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The Machine Farm: Part 1

The Machine Farm

Part 1: The Invention of the World


As a younger boy I knew
Autumn would come with maple leaves
And when a breeze came rushing through
They would swirl upward, spiraling
Reaching that place where I could hide

Spirit, I can hear you aching
Spirit, I can hear you breaking

As a younger boy, I played
Inside when it was raining,
Outside when it was not; pecans
Led trails to wondrous tundra
Of ancient places; now no longer sacred
Replaced by newer, faster lands
And softer, finer, richer sands'¦
(I woke up suddenly from this dream)
There are towers made of some things shiny
(With drenched sweatshirts piled on high)
And machines manufacturing
Machines, manufacturing
Machines, manufacturing
(I tried to scream, but was denied)
Machines, manufacturing
Mankind, manufacturing
Corn rows of steel, and so I sat
Where the leaves used to be at
In the daytime, I was selling
Lemonade
Chanting, raving, jumping, yelling
(They think me for a heretic)
So I spent the night in a paper bag
Trying to figure out arithmetic

Spirit, I can hear you aching
Spirit, I can hear you breaking

I can feel you rotting

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Comments  
kjfloyd119 Comment by: kjfloyd119 - 2007-06-27 12:55
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thanks I will consider all of your ideas and opinions. I'll have another draft of this up later, and part 2 up sometime soon also.
zepol Comment by: zepol - 2007-06-26 21:26
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KF, I like what you are doing. This is unique; it's really good but I want to hear the machines claxoning. I want to feel the corn bleed or surface form the earth. I want the earth to cry along with you. Sometimes I can get pretty dark and this is one of those nights.
mciheaustin Comment by: mciheaustin - 2007-06-26 06:10
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that was great~the imagery was beautiful. i happened to like the machines manufacturing~because it gave me the feel of machines actually working or the sounds of the machine working as you are speaking over them.. i use alot of double meanings and words to create sounds that may not be seen when looking at them at face value.. i think doing this makes a piece come to life. ;) good write brother~best of luck. one love mic
Sophia Comment by: Sophia - 2007-06-26 05:51
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Well, I think this is really great overall. The build up of the rhythm, and the way the thoughts seem fragmented work really well. I liked the repetition of 'machines manufacturing', though I thought you could maybe cut it down a little, maybe like this:

And machines manufacturing
Machines, manufacturing
(I tried to scream, but was denied)
Machines, manufacturing
Corn rows of steel, and so I sat

That's just one person's opinion though. That's the only thing I would really be able to suggest changing. This poem is strong and pace is good. It grabbed my attention right from the start.
kjfloyd119 Comment by: kjfloyd119 - 2007-06-25 19:15
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Any critical feedback is very much appretiated. I'm working hard on this piece. Tell me what you like/dislike.
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