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Losin' It
I stand under the warm cascade of water, breathing in the clean smell of my favorite shampoo. Observing that I'm running low, I make a mental note to try and squeeze some money out of my next paycheck to buy another bottle at the Beauty Supply. My sensuous Taurean nature loves little luxuries like this and it's worth every penny. I work the smooth lather through the hair that I've been growing for two years. I might be making orgasmic noises like the girls in an old shampoo commercial, but who cares? Nobody here but me and the dog and cats.
Satisfied, I stand under the pulsating stream and begin rinsing. Time slows to a crawl and then seems to suspend completely as I note the large sections of hair in my hands. It keeps coming through the conditioner phase. Stepping outside of myself for a moment, I feel - nothing. I'm not horrified, upset or even scared, and somehow I'm not surprised. I decide to save it to show the doctor. True to form, he won't believe me until I sit before him in glorious baldness. I've been going through this for so long that I've resigned myself to accepting that they won't figure out what's going on until I'm dead. I'm not sure I want to know exactly what's wrong at this point, anyway. I don't want to live my life around a diagnosis.
Drying off, I take special care to be gentle with the towel as I twist it into a turban. Sinking into my bedroom chair, I engage in a power struggle with my brain over whether we are going to take a nap when we've only been up for three hours.
Soft brown eyes gaze at me from the face of a gentle white wolf - my patient, beautiful dog. She doesn't care if it takes Mama two hours to get her shoes on, she'll wait forever for her walk. Unconditional love at its finest, although I'm not so sure about that when she chews up my favorite bra.
I'm ready to go back to work but my car chose to quit this morning, or did my thoughts do that? I cut off my own driving when I found myself staking out places to stop fighting the narcoleptic attacks at the wheel and have death be a sure thing.
I stand enlightened. Hating life is not the issue in those who choose suicide. The issue is not being able to live their lives, especially when blessings abound outside of the bodies that have turned on them.
There's such an urgency now to get things done and undo years of procrastination. I must write. I will write. I'm writing as fast as I can.
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Comment by: Apollo - 2008-01-08 02:37
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Powerful. I think, if I'm reading this right, you're taking couple shots at various different societal norms... I mean "I might be making orgasmic noises like the girls in an old shampoo commercial" - a little bit of satire never killed anyone it only inspired change. Or maybe it is cynicism, I don't know. either way you cover some deep issues "I stand enlightened. Hating life is not the issue in those who choose suicide." I really like how you easily bounce back and forth from depth to a slap in the face. Well written.
One thing... try not washing your hair for a month or so, by that I mean don't put product in it. Get it wet, run you're fingers through it, keep it taken care of, but leave out the commercial products... see if your hair doesn't start feeling softer than silk. Shampoo and conditioner rob your hair of the natural oils that it produces. You got nuthin to lose, jest check it out.
I really like your style. Very educated and refreshing. |
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| Thank you so much - actually, I was just kind of writing down the thoughts I was having at the time. I have found that most people don't want to read about the reality of illness, or maybe those are just my friends. The fact that you are interested and want to read and know more really encourages me, because I've been through a lot with the medical profession and do want to write a book about my experiences. The only explanation that I can give you for a cause right now is that I've been treated like a hypochondriac and that these geniuses never figure out what's wrong until it's irreversible, like the nerve damage on my left side, long story. I've also learned that doctors base their opinion on your appearance. I do not fit the physical stereotype (overweight) of many of the diagnoses I have, such as sleep apnea so I am immediately dismissed. Yet they love to tell me what a great candidate I am for surgery because I'm not overweight......anyway, if you want to know more, read the upcoming book, lol! which just might be dedicated to you! |
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I'm almost 70 YO. No bragging intended, but my hair is thick and full and almost 12" long. (I'm growing it out for Locks of Love.) It's a major pain to keep up. But I want to comment on the story.
Let me be perfectly honest, this is a boring subject for most people, but you could make it interesting by playing up why you're writing this piece. The sensuality of a shampoo and shower is mundane. What's interesting is the large sections of hair that come out. What causes this? What is the prognosis, the condition. Another interesting point is when you mention suicide and narcoleptic attacks. What's the scoop on that? Inquiring minds want to know.
If you want to grab a reader's attention and keep her reading to the end you have to start with an exciting beginning.
1st thing, show some suspense. Something like: "The warm shower slowly washed away the dregs of sleep when to my horror I saw huge clumps of hair in my hands as I worked my shampoo in." Readers will want to read on to see what's caused this major loss of hair. Then you can weave in all the sensual details as you continue the story, but make it dramatic, make it suspenseful, show some conflict.
Good luck with it. |
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| Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and thanks for sharing your story. Is it that obvious that I'm writing about myself, or is it that you guys know a bit about me? I appreciate your comment, and it's much sweeter than the Zen "The absence of pain is death," LOL! Thanks so much for reading. |
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P- I too, am going thru the same things as you are... My hair, I was able to wash twice daily, now, I wash every other day... Instead of putting into a turban on my head. I gently squeeze the water out, after as much squeezing I can do.. HORMONE's & my thyroid...drs. have told me... stress, & lack of sleep, me do to severe pain- chronic... but I understand your enlightenment. I too, have felt this very same way, it is not easy to 'do' what I could do, due to my chronic illness. SO patience, acceptance and love hopefully will be what gets u thru this... It has me... I will not go until I am a DNR... OR become a 'nuisance' 4 my family... so hang TOUGH. LOVED UR HONESTY. MOST OF ALL UR HEART... My sweet dog, does the very same thing... for me... we are more alike than not,so remember 'FOR IN MUCH WISDOM, IS MUCH GRIEF, AND HE WHO INCREASES KNOWLEDGE, INCREASES SORROW.' -------- ECCL. 1:18--------
I AM A 'SPIRITUAL' PERSON, NOT(!) A BIBLE THUMPER..! BUT THIS VERSE IS WRITTEN IN THE FRONT OF EVERY JOURNAL I HAVE KEPT. ON THE PATH TO WISDOM, GRIEF AND SORROW SEEM TO BE PART OF THIS 'KNOWLEDGE PROCESS'... SURE SEEMS THAT IT CAN BE A REAL 'BITCH'...LOL-! SO HANG IN THERE, IT IS WORTH THE RIDE. DREAMER |
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