I descended into a haze; the can falling from my hand as I stumbled over to the closet. My belt was there as I had left it, hanging in a noose from the rod holding my clothes up. I slipped my head through the loop and let my hand holding the rod go limp, my hands began to go numb as I let my body wait pull the rope tight. I could hear my music playing, louder then ever, the bass guitar cutting into my temples. I was aware of a distant ringing noise coming from somewhere, echoing as if from far away. I started to remember'� the things came floating to me'� the drugs, my friends, my family, Cam'�
I was in a hospital just after I had gotten into a fight with Victor Bradley, for calling me a faggot. He ended up in emergency, while I, was in for a broken wrist. I sat up in the creaky, wheezing hospital bed so I could see the nurses hurrying by and elderly patients walking slowly down the hall past my window. It was interesting to see the people whisking by, knowing that at least I did not have some of their problems to deal with, like failing hearts, or other internal organs. I started out of my daze as I heard the door whoosh open and a nurse who must have weighed at least 200 pounds bustled in pushing an I.V tube on rollers in front of her.
' Now look who decided to wake up for us! How'er you feeling now?'� Your poor wrist not hurting you two much now is it?'�
And with that she started puffing my pillow and fusing over me, I wouldn't have minded exactly but she began to poke and prod my wrist. And the one thing I can't stand above all others is when people touch me. I just can't STAND it.
'Could you please keep you hands to yourself?'� I asked her,
' I'll be done in just a minute dear'�, she said as she kept on probing.
' NO!'� I shouted, get off me NOW!'� I shoved her hands off and jumped out of the bed making the springs squeal horribly.
' I don't like other people touching me so keep you fat hands off me!'� I turned and opened the door,
'You can't go out there!!!'� she screeched after me.
'Read between the lines lady,'� I said holding up my hand. She gaped and flushed red as the door swung shut. I walked quickly down the hall pushing past the people in my way.
'Hey!'�
'Stop pushing!'� came the startled replies, I ignored them all my mind was set on one thing and I didn't have time to listen to whoever got in my way. I slammed open the front doors of the hospital and nearly ran over Cam. She was just rounding the corner as I stumbled out.
'Whoa!'� she said caching me to prevent me from falling on my face. She was beautiful and I still couldn't figure out what made her like me. She had short red hair that looked like copper wire stuck on her head. Her eyes were gray like the sky before a storm, and her fingers were long and covered in silver rings. She was wearing frayed jeans that she had written on with pen, and a black shirt with the legend 'live and laugh, love will follow,'� encrypted on the front.
ME on the other hand, had short black hair with a blue swath through the top; my ears were pierced at least 10 times and when I talked you could see the glitter of a silver tongue ring. MY eyes were thickly surrounded with black eye liner and blue eyeshadow, which gave cause to the gay jokes, I have nothing against gay people it's the cliché I have problems with, and they glinted blue-black behind dark eyelashes.
'Thanks,'� I wheezed as I caught my breath.
'You going somewhere?'� she asked.
'Um yeah, actually I was getting out of there,'� I motioned to the brown black building that was the community hospital.
' You're not well,'� she looked up at me.
'I'm FINE'� I glared at her.
' Whatever'� she smiled, when she did this her white teeth glittered and sparkled in the fading sunlight.
' I Just want to get away'� I shaded my eyes from a passing car's headlights.
'Come over to my place'� she suggested pulling my arm.
People sometimes get the wrong idea about Cam and me; we're just good friends and neither one of us feels anymore than friendship towards one another. Although sometimes I wonder what it would be like to kiss her, (not on the cheek) but that thought is always destroyed by the small fact that the people I hang out with would make fun of me. But mostly the fact that I wouldn't want her to meet any of the people I hang out with. Not because they're necessarily BAD people more because they're just not very NICE people. At least not to people like her.
'Your mom would hate me'� I protested.
'You don't know my mom,'� she laughed. 'She likes EVERYONE.'�
She pulled me onto the sidewalk and let go of my arm; we walked the rest of the way just talking about nothing and everything at the same time.
See the thing is, is that when I'm with her I feel like everything will be fine. Like I don't have a non-existent father who calls me a queer, or that my mother isn't terrified of me to the point that she won't even talk to me anymore. That my friends don't have total control over what I do, like the drugs for example. Or that everyone makes fun of me for wearing makeup and black clothing to a school were guys wear white polo shirts all the time. I just feel right when shes there, like nothing in the whole world could hurt me. As we walk up her driveway her hand slowly slips into mine and then slips away again as if my hand was hot to the touch. She opens the front door and yells up to her mom the she someone she wants her to meet. I can hear a bustling banging noise as her mom appears on the landing.
'Just organizing the attic Cammy,'� she winks, then she catches sight of me, as I stand half hidden behind the door.
'Why this must be David!'� she smiles, and for the first time instead of the usual contempt and distaste that most grownups view me with she looked at me like a person. And her smile seemed to widen as she came down the stairs to shake my hand.
' Cammy has told me absolutely nothing about you, can you believe that!?'� as a matter a fact I could, but I remained quiet.
' David needs a place to stay for awhile mom,'� Cam told her while whispering something in her mother's ear. Her mom nodded her head understandingly and motioned me into the kitchen.
' You must be hungry after not eating anything but that horrible hospital food!'� she laughs, her smile seems to take over her face as she does.
'Actually I haven't had even that all day,'� I answered.
'Well I can do something about that,'� she says as she serves up. There was chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy for both. It looked wonderful there was just one problem'�
'Um David's a vegetarian mom,'� Cam whispers across the table.
'Really!'� Well that's all right then, I'll just order in from the vegetarian fast food place in town.'� I felt really guilty for some reason, like I asked for too much at one time. But then Cam leans across the table and winks to tell me it was all right. We went up to her room to play cards after we are finished eating (the vegetarian fast food was great). It was my hand and I was losing again to her as always, when suddenly it hits me. My life is a wreak, coming here I finally know that for sure. And I can't help it, I start to cry, my eyes seem like they are just to full to be possible and they spill over onto my cheeks and drip from my chin. She comes over to me and fold me into her arms, I cry onto her shoulder for what seems like an hour. Then when I am finally finished she turns my face up to hers and kisses me. Her lips are warm and her hair smells like cinnamon and coriander mixed together. She pulls away and suddenly I know I have always felt more than just friendship for her. I lean towards her again and kiss her again my hands going around her back and up into her copper hair. She pulls me towards her bed and we lie there together and my world falls into place as we drift into sleep, her arms around me. Her head on my shoulder'�
As I come back into reality I feel tears coursing down my face at that memorie so long ago, 2 years maybe 3, the only good one I can think of. Just that one day I felt completely happy for the first time in my life. But now my life is bad again, my father still hates me my mom is still terrified of me, I'm back on drugs... But as these memories wash over my like soft falling rain, I begin to wonder if this is the right choice. If death is the right answer. As if to decide for me I hear a horrendous SNAP! And I come crashing down'�

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