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See You In Heaven
I felt the rain streaming down me face, making streaks through the dirt. I could feel the mud seeping through the knees of my pants. I shifted my position. We where waiting for our general to give us the signal to move. My gun weighed heavy on my shoulder. The rain beat down, soaking my cloths, chilling me to the bone.
'¯Hey'¦you ok?'¯ my best friend looked over.
'¯Of coarse!'¯ I replied.
A movement caught my eye, we looked over, it was our general signaling us. As I crested the trench I could see enemy solders just 200 meters away.
'See you in heaven!'¯ my best friend called out as we ran.
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Comment by: Dakota - 2008-01-26 15:17
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Great topic
So few words but I knew exactly where I was
How many below can say the same? |
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| I applaud you for successfully conveying such a powerful message in such few words. |
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Comment by: - 2007-11-18 21:31
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Uhmm, needs alot of work.
First if I may say, Generals don't give commands on the battle field. Generals give commands from afar, the Major gives the orders to Lieutenants, the Lieutenants then give the orders to junior officers and or enlisted men.
The structure was confusing and horribly done.
I would suggest rewriting if it is an important piece to you.
The last line is the only line that holds definity. |
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Comment by: jesscat - 2007-07-06 15:38
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I just noticed a little thing..
isn't it "of course" instead of "or coarse"?
is it odd that I find this story comforting? |
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hiya Emma..
take what you like, ignore what you hate, but DO keep writing the good stuff.
( ) delete text
[ ] add text
(I could feel the) mud seep(ing)[ed] through the knees of my pants.
I shifted my position.
/nice.
We (where) wait(ing)[ed] for our general to (give us the signal to move).
//order an advance? order the advance?
My gun weighed heavy on my shoulder. The rain beat down, soak(ing)[ed] my cloths, chill(ing)[ed] me to the bone.
ā?¯(Heyā?¦you) ok?ā?¯ my best friend looked over.
//hey-- you ok?
em dashes are used for pauses, not elipses. elipses mean words are missing.
ā?¯Of coarse!ā?¯ (I replied).
//forget about the 'i replied' dialog tag, really truly. forever.
dont really need a tag there, the ACTION makes it clear.
thats an 'action tag'.
A movement caught my eye, we looked over, it was our general signaling us.
//the general signaled us forward..
(As) I crested the trench I (could see)[saw] enemy solders just 200 meters away.
i crested the lip of the trench and saw enemy soldiers...
//dont put 'as' at the start of sentences to often, its conversational.
its not action HAPPENING.
ā??See you in heaven!ā?¯ (my best friend) called out as we ran.
//the 'echo' of 'my best friend' in this micro is too much.
just use their names maybe?
believe it or not, i freakin liked this thingy a lot. just needs to be polished.
consider making it a 100 drabble please?
that would be ultra cool.
call it Heaven maybe.
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
T |
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