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Blush
this is the part of the movie
when you hide behind the crocheted afghan
and peek between the holes at the full tv screen
blushing.
don't watch me blush.
this is a private moment between the screen and me.
if i show you my teeth,
the spit between the corners of my lips,
i may sink in the cushions
and pray you will capture me
in a comfort just as blushing to feel
as it is to wait...for.
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| I like this one a lot...I have said before your writing is earthy and human and I love it. The last line tripped me up, too...but after reading it a few times and slowing down, I THINK I get it. Good job, thanks for sharing. |
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what do you guys think of:
in a comfort just as blushing to feel
as it is to hope for.
? is it the last syllable that throws it off? |
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Comment by: Sonnet - 2007-06-27 15:13
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There's a great sort of modest, wholesome feel to this that I love.
I hate to be a bandwagon gal, but although I understand, I think, what you were trying to achieve with the last line, I found it slightly jarring. May I suggest, without intending at all to tread on your artistic toes,
in a comfort just as blushing to feel
as it is to await.
Who knows whether my two cents is worth even that.
Take care. :) |
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-06-27 14:21
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| I know exactly what you mean. I like it until the last line, where I think the wording is a bit off. |
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