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Berlin in June
I fear every relationship
for the end it could possibly become.
For the heaving at night
alone
just a wet pillow and sticky sheets,
and lungs
sore from the gasping.
And a body'crying for arms
to wrap it up in warmth,
and lips'¦
lips pressing into a thin, white line,
knowing that one day
they may utter again
the words the heart feels
lying cold now'
swollen' hard'
in the chest'wishing, like so many times before
to never love again
and to love again
quickly.
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| very lyrical. you use your words very well in this piece, it it well structured and the emotions are strong but never over-indulgent. The last few lines really bring it home. Read aloud, the second line seems a bit off, almost like it doesn't flow with the rest of the piece. Perhaps a little tweak might make that second line stronger--to really nail that line, that fear, that emotion. Hope that helps! The rest is really lovely, great piece. |
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| Again, you have managed to capture the way I felt about relationship until I met my current husband -- all the fear, and the resolve that alone is better than wrapped around a pillow crying. It's so intense and lovely! And so true -- to wish to never love again, and to love again quickly. I think it's so wonderful because it's very soulful. |
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| Thanks for catching that, sudipal. It's actually a typo and should be "utter." |
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-06-27 14:35
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Very sad and heartfelt. I like the picture conjured by your words.
I'm not sure about the word 'mutter' though as relating to 'the words the heart feels'; maybe a different word choice. |
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