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edwardking
ed king
United Kingdom, devon, exeter

Words: 373
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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part 2 - "stuck on some godforsaken rock"

He looked around, aside from his unambiguous, stark panoramic surroundings, he decided it was time to leave.
As a traveller he was accustomed to think that conquest of a foreign land, by his very two feet, to be rewarding. And he was in no allusions that it was. But, like the sharp winds around him, a thought had entered his mind. What if I had of died then? Now, this kind of blatantly obvious epiphany should have, in theory, occurred when this began. That was his problem, and his father never ceased in reminding him. Jack, what happens if you are killed? What about your wife? And my grandchildren?
These kind of attempts at discouragement came in sync with his leaving dates, much to his dismay. Jacks father was very good at using the lineage to dissuade him, the problem was of course that Jack wasn't a good listener. So this cyclical agreement between father and son had set in motion. And no doubt when Jack returned it would start all over again.

Jack began to feel the bitterly cold wind picking up pace now. Much of the charm that had lured him away from the safety of the shelter was, to his revelation, fading away now. So he re-gripped his coat, and heading into his little shelter, braced himself for an onslaught of acrimonious weather that just happened to be in his vicinity.
As he was heading back, something had caught his attention in the corner of his eye. He twisted around, and there, in a little outcrop of rocks to his right was a face. Dark and cloaked by falling snow, it disappeared. To converse with some sort of civilisation was to Jack a desperate godsend. He darted after the individual, once he reached the ridge of rock he caught a glimpse of movement far to the east, the snow was getting heavy now. So heavy in fact, he could no longer run, but struggle through blind.
His spiked shoes made him feel safe, the only worry was of course that it wasn't too far to go now, anything but a repeat of what had got him here to begin with, that would be to say very little, miraculous.

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Comments  
Min Comment by: Min - 2007-07-02 13:00
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Glad to have found you again. I like the way the story is developing: I want more.

Now to the nitpicking (that can be totally ignored). Be careful of repeating words and phrases too close together: 'around' is one. (I read very quickly and any repetition stands out vividly to me.) You are mixing informal and formal writing in this part. I would advise sticking to the formal way. Starting sentences with 'and' using words as you would say them 'had of died' and 'wasn't' lessen the impact of your work, IMO.
edwardking Comment by: edwardking - 2007-07-02 11:07
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thanks ash! and yeah totally enjoying it!
Ash19640 Comment by: Ash19640 - 2007-07-01 16:04
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Hi Ed - this was pretty good ! Great descriptive language & interesting thought processes push your story along briskly. A couple of points slowed me down though:

allusions / illusions
had caught / caught
Jacks father / Jack's father
but struggle through blind / but struggle through, blind

Only a suggestion, but break up the last sentence into smaller chunks.
You're obviously enjoying the process - keep going! Ash :)
edwardking Comment by: edwardking - 2007-06-30 15:04
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thankyou so much!
Kowalski Comment by: Kowalski - 2007-06-30 11:38
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Tremendously descriptive. I'd say this has potential to be a great fantasy story. You've really set the stage. Keep it going!
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