Rage Against the (Coffee) Machine

What the hell ever happened to coffee? I was in one of those "chain coffee" joints today...I won't say the name but it rhymes with "Arbucks". Anyway, the line was out the door. It's coffee people; wake the fuck up, nothing is that precious at 1:00 in the afternoon. Then these freaks are all excited because they are going to get their foo foo coffee drink. The banter in the line was ridiculous. I'm going to get a mocha frappe. Oooh, I'm going to get a quad espresso with maple whatever the hell she said. Is this shit for real? It's been a while since I have been in there but the people have that gaze in their eye like they are going to eat straw and shit a gold brick. It's coffee...it ain't that exciting.

As the line progressed I could hear some of the orders. Question. Do the people ordering their mocha flippity floop with whipped cream realize they are drinking 1000 calories at a clip? I say no or they are swimming in that river...ya know, de-nial, since their asses were the size of a small VW. Two people really stood out from this pen of sheep. They really irritated the shit out of me. First was the guy who ordered a pumpkin latte with skim milk. Buddy, you could have run out of there and killed a small animal with your bare hands...but it's too late. Turn in your man card...ass. Are you kidding me!!! A fucking pumpkin latte with skim milk no less and you said it out loud. Second was the fat cow that was so embarrassed because; she doesn't normally order this drink... some friggin thing I can't pronounce that rolled off her tongue like a Shakespearian sonnet. This thing was roughly as many calories as a side of beef. She daintily paused because of the apparent and overplayed embarrassment. She asked, "Do you have something like this but without the calories"? Yeah, it's called water with whipped cream on it. Jesus you pig, if you are going to drink that fattening shit at least do it proudly. At least the pumpkin latte imitation of a man said it with conviction, I have to respect that.

Once I got to the head of the line I ordered my medium coffee. You thought I had asked the coffee ho to cut her head off the way she looked at me. The Arbucks employee says to me, "you mean a grande". Excuse the hell out of me did I offend? I paid my $2.00 for a "grande" coffee. To catch you up, a grande is the expensive way to say medium. Damn, I just wanted a coffee. I took my grande and headed for the cream area shaking my head. As I put the 1/2 & 1/2 in my brew, I replayed the last 10 minutes. I mean, it's just coffee people...hey is that cinnamon? Shake, shake. That's pretty good. Vanilla powder too. Mmmm. Anyway, like I said, these people are freaking nuts. I don't know, maybe I'm over caffeinated.

-R

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