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Thunderpen
Parris ja Young
United States, Montana, Laughing Lady

Words: 200
Access: Public
Comments: 14

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WRITING IN THE DARK

I. (drawing of a poet as a devil)

...remnant,
that which departs
or that which remains?
I plead error
for surely none would choose
to suffer this bereavement
ransom-wound-price...

II. The men who murdered Che

Guevara, what about them?
How long before the price takes
its full draught of their lives,
their false passion cools, and
the money hurries away
with moths and thieves while
their history fades to a photo
of a sudden precipice or chasm.

III. Diaphanous after dark

It is not light: evening's
cool gown; density,
unlike fabric, floating,
not blown,
awash on the strand of
your fair hair-flesh.
My dark glasses see through
the gloom to your heat
boiling away like day
through my fingers, this
moment ...

IV. When writing in the dark

Do not fail to cross
your 't's' Now, nor to dot your 'i's' Now.
Do not forget to fold the corner
to point toward the beginning.
Now, do not forget to turn the page,
nor to pray for guidance; it is so easy
to find one's self lost.

V. The darkness and the breeze

remain one;
the words lie, but shake
the leaves locally
while night covers miles
and the breeze great forests.

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Comments  
Johndeprey Comment by: Johndeprey - 2007-11-19 02:57
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I like to see a poem do what prose/pictures/films/music cannot. The style of this poem is as only a poem can do. The words float from nowhere and creat something vast from the simplest of sounds "while night covers miles
and the breeze great forests". You ask yourself why a thought needs to be part of some long story - maybe the thought is more important than the story or its context. When you look at a painting of trees do you need to know where the trees were, was it painted on a Sunday or a Wednesday? Haikus are impersonal in a curiously (unattractive to me) Eastern way, but your poem has personal thoughts minimally drawn with edifying starkness. I'm so interested to see how it fits in with your other work.
OilsandSyntax Comment by: OilsandSyntax - 2007-11-13 20:22
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This is great. I love stanza five the most. Ah, (sigh)...I've missed your pen and your unique diction. Good write.
Stephie Comment by: Stephie - 2007-11-13 13:23
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in The Men who Murdered Che.....it's should be its. Its shows possession, while it's is a contracion of it is ;)
Do you think that something could be stronger than 'full draught'? Just curious.

Read this as a "paragraph": Guevara, what about them? How long before the price takes it's full draught of their lives,that false passion cool?The money carried away by moths and other thieves and their history a fading photo of a sudden precipice or chasm.

There are some indescrepencies in your subject/verb agreement. It shoud read "False passion cools"

Also, if you tell the reader what carries that money away, you can make that line more active, instead of passive.

Can you define your conception of 'price' as it is a little vague.

Also, your last 4 lines there are more of a frgament.

"Diaphonous After Dark" has beautiful and sensual imagery, I love it :)

You are a very interesting and have a very unique voice, which is why I have given you a "stronger" critique than I would most. But, they are simply suggestions. Do as you like ;) But, I did enjoy this write very much :)
sarra Comment by: sarra - 2007-11-03 18:49
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This is a most unique and original style of reading I've seen! I really enjoyed it, save for parts I couldn't understand all that well, but maybe after another reading, I'll understand more.

And thank you for your critique on my poem. I decided to change it from 'poetry' to 'flash fiction', put under the genre of 'rhyming fun'.

I did, however, try my hand at 'true poetry' and just uploaded "Serenity". I hope that is more true to form. I'm eager to learn more poetry styles; the Setina form (i believe that is what it's called) is one I'm very interested in learning. It intrigues me deeply.

As does your writing, which I'm about to go read more!
LTAB98 Comment by: LTAB98 - 2007-11-03 16:30
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I can honestly say that I was a bit confused by it, but your style is not something I've seen before. It's obvious to me that you've been doing this for a long time. You are good at what you do. This I can see. I find it inspiring actually, it makes me want to learn more about writing. And I've been doing it on and off for 20 years! :)
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