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21 Days
Thirty days hath September
April, June and November
All the rest have twenty-one
One date that haunts me all year long
Year two's been harder than year one
That's not fair and just plain wrong
Gathered up rocks and poured
Pathos on a stone for six months
Tailored you a comely earthly bed
With my woman's touch, more than once
How vain is that
You're dead
Too much ice, too much rain
Too much sun, too much pain
To slither down the muddy road
For nearly the past year
Bags of stuff for your abode
Just get in my way around here
Maybe I should go, bring a balloon
Kneel in the mud, cry like a loon
Bury your piece of cheese in the ground
Channel your voice through silent sound
Drop sips of Mountain Dew on your grave
I'm workin' it, Baby, long may we rave
July 1, 2007 (draft)
by
Parthena Black
Copyright @2007
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| The flow is fantastic; the reason it may still seem choppy is the second stanza. It is the only stanza that doesn't follow the pattern. Example: the first two lines of stanza two don't rhyme as they do in all other stanzas; third and fifth lines rhyme in the other stanzas but not in stanza two. This is beautifully written; maybe rework stanza two but don't rewrite too much. I would hate for the emotion to change. |
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| Thanks so much! I've rearranged more than edited over the past few days, thanks for letting me know it's sounding better. |
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| The rhytm here is EXTREMELY nice! I don't know why you're feeling a little choppy. Maybe it's because you wrote it, but in my opinion, this is great! It doesn't need to be editted but editting it will always make it better! great work here! |
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| I know this came from the heart and it's beautiful images. |
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| Thanks, I tend to go away and come back a few times to make changes, often I end up editing too much. I had it in three stanzas and that didn't work, and it seemed like it didn't flow at all as all one part. |
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