What's Next?! (Episode II)

*Preface*

I've come to a point in life where I've learned to NEVER, under any circumstance, underestimate the idiotic nature of humanity. Not only do I see it on TV, hear it on the radio, and read it on the 'net, but I also live in Los Angeles, where ignorance gets the red-carpet treatment, and basks in the glow of its own pretentiousness. Why I still live here is as good of a guess as yours, but I've convinced myself that I surely pissed someone off in a previous life. (Just don't call me Shirley.)

One could argue endlessly about the media's, society's, or even politics' impact on humanity's growing ignorance factor, and/or how/if they affect one another. However, this column will not focus on these areas of interest. This column will go above and beyond the debating, and address the simple question of, "What's Next" in the evolution of human stupidity.

July 1st, 2007:

First we had the Cabbage Patch Kids. Then, there was Elmo. Next, came the various asunder of video game consoles. Now, we have the iPhone. The latest (but certainly not greatest) of the various devices to make materialistic, shallow people stand in line for days on end, while battling the elements, for no greater cause than simply Keeping Up With the Jones'. Just short of the cure for cancer, the new iPhone offers everything you could ever want that's already available in various other, over-priced, over-hyped items. Only now, it's in one, convenient package! So throw out those usless stereo systems, iPods, cell phones, Blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, cameras, hard drives, radios, video games, laptops, TV's, DVR's, VCR's, DVD's, coffee grinders and kitchen sinks! For now, we can all have the iPhone. Sure, you could feed 156 starving children in a third-world country for one year with all that money, but then....you wouldn't have all those cool little gadgets with touch-screen technology! C'MON....live in the NOW, people! Own the iPhone, and the faster you get it......the better you are!

I'm no "Bible Thumper" by any means, but if there were a more accurate example of Idolatry in these modern times, I'd be hard pressed to find it.

Today, I saw the news on the spectacle that was the initial sale of these things, and 2 unrelated stories actually inspired this second installment of "What's Next?!" The first was about how AT&T (the sole service provider of the iPhone) is making a lot of people wait for an unspecified number of days before they can provide service for many customers. Apparently, AT&T wasn't quite prepared for the high demand in such a short amount of time, and their networks aren't up to speed yet. I thought of all the people who took hours, and even days away from their precious lives to be the first on the block to own this iPhone only to have to wait even longer for service, which meant that they could've just stayed home all along, and got the same product with no hassle at all had they waited a few extra days. I chuckled and smiled at this.

The second news story nearly sent me to the hospital in asthma-induced hysterics.

A local (naturally) woman showed up to one particular store just hours before it was scheduled to open. Obviously, she encountered a HUGE line, to which she would've had to wait hours in, and not even be guaranteed an iPhone. She showed up prepared though....and with a little more marketing sense than the average Joe. She carried with her HUGE bundles of cash, and was intent on buying as many iPhones as the store could hold, so to sell them and make her own profits. She even went as far as to pay the first guy in line $800.00 (nearly twice the cost of a single iPhone) for his place, just so she could get as many phones as possible. What she wasn't prepared for was the "One iPhone Per Customer" policy at the counter. She ended up paying over $1,300.00 for one iPhone while the guy whose place she took simply went to the back of the line and still got his for the retail price of $500. EL-OH-FRIKIN-EL!!!!

(In other unrelated news.......cancer remains uncured, and children continue to starve in Africa.)

I'll steer clear of the temptation to explain why anybody over the age of 10 should know that buying the first release of any electronic product is the worst investment decision any person can make, for MANY reasons, or how mankind ever possibly survived before this ingeniuos invention. Instead, I'll use a more recent example of a similar product, and its effect on modern-day economics.

Does anyone remember that old relic called the Razr? It was a phone of sorts.....I mean, you couldn't watch old reruns of Friends on it while listening to 10 CD's at once so it became obsolete quite fast, but some of you may still have one lying around the house. Well, if you do, dust it off and check the color of its metal casing. Whatever color it is, know that said color took a VERY long time to devise. Yes, it's true. While the Japanese can create any electronic device, to do anything they want and make it fit in the crease of a fingerprint, when you ask them to make it in various colors, you'll always get the stare of a wild dingo in headlights.

It's not difficult for any company to produce multiple colors of cars, trucks, toys, drums, plates, glasses, stereos, pens, shoes, spoons, and anything else in one assembly process, but I guess it's a little too much for the manufacturing sector to be able to make different colors of casings for cell phones in one foundry. Truly astounding. What is it that made cell phones so hard to produce in different colors?

Well, it took a LOT of research on my part, but I figured it out and now, you guys don't have to waste your time wondering about these great mysteries. (You're welcome.) Here's how it works, the only way to replicate mass hysteria over the same product is to simply change one aspect about it, and re-market it to the same demographic....over and over again. In the case of the Razr Phone, it was nothing more than the color.

See, while the Executives of the Technological Totem Pole debate over which archaic Japanese toy they'll tell the swarming mass of American idiots is the "Latest and Greatest" creation next, they'll simply throw us the same old bail of hay as we got before, only now in a different color, or with a new strap, or with a cute little happy face on the cover, or ......well, you get the point. Every 3-6 months, a new color, a simple new option, and more of the same hysteria......over the same product as before. (For the same price as its predecessor, of course.)

So we collectively shake our heads and ask......."What's Next?!"

The next generation of the iPhone is not far off, surprisingly. Actually, it's been obsolete in Japan for 6 years now....but nobody's supposed to know that...so SHHHHH. The second release of the iPhone will have all the same features, only it will now have a built-in vacuum cleaner, too. Hell, who hasn't been on the go, and said; "Damn! I sure wish I had a vacuum cleaner right now! I mean, I've got one at home, and one in the car....but sheesh....I could really use one now....on the escalator."

Well, now all your dreams will come true with the iSuck. Make a call, listen to a song, download the news, watch TV, edit your film, chat with friends, bid on eBay, manage a spreadsheet, give a presentation, schedule a meeting, grind your coffee, and vacuum your pants....all while driving in high speed traffic to your office. WOW! Slow down, Buddy-Boy! Your work will be done before you even get there. Show all your friends how much you can suck with the new iSuck! *Available November 2007* (The line starts in August.)

Think you've got it all in the palm of your hands? Think again, Bucko! How many times have you been making a call, listening to a song, downloading the news, watching TV, editing your film, chatting with friends, bidding on eBay, managing a spreadsheet, giving a presentation, scheduling a meeting, grinding your coffee, and vacuuming your pants while driving in high speed traffic to the office...and you break into a heavy sweat? Yeah...who hasn't! I mean....that's like a LOT of things to be doing at once. In fact, some of those may not even be safe to be doing while driving in high speed traffic. Oh well, the time for rejoicing is nigh, people. The new Apple product comes with all the necessary features of the iSuck, only with a built-in Air Conditioner for your comfort. Sure, you already have one in your car, but can you take it with you to the grocery store? Nope! Now you can! Apple would like to welcome the newest member of it's family; the iBlow. While all your friends and co-workers are still sucking, you can blow harder than ever before with the new iBlow! *Available in the Summer of 2008.....or when ever the fourth wave of the third color of the iSuck sells out.* (Which ever happens first.)

Hold your horses, guys. You ain't seen nothin' yet!! The apex of technological innovation is actually still being worked on as we speak, and for the first time, will mark a worldwide simultaneous release of historical proportions. (Yes, you may want to get in line NOW for this one!) The next Apple product will be the greatest achievement in technological innovation for mankind since the invention of the wheel. Something that has been written about for centuries, and envisioned only in science fiction mediums: Time Travel.

In 2009, you will be able to have all the features of all the previous iProducts in the palm of your hand, and for the first time, you will be able to transport yourself exactly 1 year into the future, to the exact same store which you bought the product at, and get the same item for half the price.....at the touch of a single button!!!!!!!!! (Limit 10 per customer, per year, and no refunds or exchanges accepted.)

Truly remarkable.....truly amazing.......brought to you by the greatest Japanese minds of their time. Take a stance as a progressive thinker on the brink of innovation, and make a statement to mankind as you show the world your new...........

iSoDumb.

*Available late 2009/2010*

It should also be mentioned that perhaps the biggest innovation in these latest products is not the obvious new technology itself, but rather in what will become of the hidden technology in specific models. You see, the first 10,000 iSucks, iBlows, and iSoDumbs will each have a hidden camera in them that will capture an up-close and personal view of the kinds of buffoons whose lives are so sad and meaningless that they fell for each of these gimmicks. The footage from said cameras will then be used to provide years and years of raw, unscripted, slap-stick material for a humorous, Japanese reality TV show titled; "Look What iFound!"

Marketing 101: It does not take only one innovative genius to achieve marketing success, but also a whole community of foolish idiots.

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