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bitybella
Mare F
United States

Words: 164
Access: Public
Comments: 9

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In the Shadows wee story challenge

It's dark and I'm not used to walking alone but despite everyone's advice, I take the long way through the park. The trees bending in the wind are making a weird clinking sound, almost like people hitting champagne glasses together.

I feel like I'm being watched as the streetlights cast an eerie glow through the trees and the fence. The sound of clanging only intensifies that feeling, so I turn, just to make sure.

'Hello?' I call out to the night, uncertain whether or not I would welcome a reply.

No reply comes, but that doesn't do much to ease my escalating fears, so I pick up my pace from a slow walk to a brisk jog.

'I'll never do this again.' I say aloud, just to give myself the illusion of company.

I slow down when I see the park's exit and shake my head and laugh, happy to know that it was all my imagina'

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Comments  
mersey Comment by: mersey - 2007-07-09 05:16
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hey mare! i printed this out and read it on my way back home and i truly enjoyed it! You built up the tension just enough and then got me sidetracked by false promise of safety only to hit me again, right at the end and I just...so close! I wonder what got her...
bitybella Comment by: bitybella - 2007-07-06 13:42
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Thanks for the suggestions dreamer. I am notorious for being a bit wordy sometimes and thanks everyone else for the comments. I apprectiate it!
Anne Comment by: Anne - 2007-07-06 12:35
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Yes I agree twith the others it did build tension and I loved your ending.

Great work

Anne
dreamer Comment by: dreamer - 2007-07-05 13:29
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Loved the ending. What was it that got her? We will never know. That was fun, thanks.

Ok, I'm being picky, but it is flash fiction. For the sake of saving words I think this sentence "The trees bending in the wind are making a weird clinking sound" could be "The trees bending in the wind make a..."

"through the trees and the fence" -- the trees and fence, second "the" probably not needed
YeOldeFart Comment by: YeOldeFart - 2007-07-04 16:56
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Very, very good Marianne. I too enjoyed how you built the tension, then let us relax only to hit us between the eyes. Well done.
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