I was enlightened, once upon a time.

Now I am repenting; forced to wander through the purgatory we call life until I can appreciate my former status.

The Goddess came to me at a low point; I had gone through a lot of crap that weekend (people flaked out of my birthday party, feeling miserable and pathetic, etc), and then I was out of cigs. I happened to have placed a single Vanilla clove on my altar exactly five days prior (this was Sunday, so the Tuesday I put it there when I bought a new pack), and I felt bad for taking it, but I thought Buddha would understand I needed it more than him at this point.

As I was in the staircase near my apartment smoking, I thought of all the things that happened (the weekend, the ex boyfriends, everything)'�and I no longer felt angry or disappointed or lost'�everything finally clicked into place and I knew that there was no such thing as coincidence; that everything that happened was for a reason'�to shape who I am today, and to shove me in the direction back to enlightenment.

As I continued to smoke the cig (it seemed to last longer that usual'�) I thought about all the pain (mental, emotional) I have gone through, and my terrible luck with men. It's weird but every time I date a guy whose down on his luck/a BUM/or just plain un-ambitious, after I break up with him, a few months later, he gets himself together and cleans up his act. I had joked about that to my friend Fabienne while we were out a few weeks ago'�but in serious retrospect, 9 out of 10 this has held true.

Creepy. And unfair, I thought. What is it about me that makes these men clean up their acts AFTER we're through? Did they hate me so much afterward, they wanted to show me how good they were after all? Or did they not care enough while we were together, and decided it was 'now or never'� after the breakup and then shaped up?

All these rhetorical questions had an answer: I believe it was my fate to pass through their lives, and touch them in such a way that they realized they need to do something with their lives.

I am destined to be a catalyst for people down on their luck, it seems.

Faint, female laughter echoed in my head after this thought.

This is my penance, this is my punishment for abusing enlightenment in another life; this feels like the right answer; this feels correct deep inside my heart (in that almost forgotten place of mine'�that has awoken from a long slumber).

As I put out the cig (it lasted about 20 minutes) I realize there is still half of it left, so I put it out, and put the other half back on the altar.

Thank you, Lord Buddha, I thought as I lay it down.

No, thank you Eris, to whom all is subject and no one escapes.

I needed a weekend like this to realize how childish I was acting, and to wake up and realize something higher than material wants and foolish needs.

After this thought session, my heart ached, but in a way I never thought it would ache again'�

It felt alive, and ready to feel--whether it be pain, or happiness, or love'�

And I think I am ready to face whatever decides to launch itself in my path.

Onward with strength, courage, and diligence.

Thanks be to Eris.

Want to comment on this Essays? Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Essays and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...