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Nuclear Annihilation
I was sitting in my house
Not doing much of anything, really
The windows were shut, curtains drawn
When, quite suddenly,
All vanished
And the end was already over
- Kristopher Floyd
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i love this piece. interestingly the beginning lines carry a very casual rhythm which allows for the abrupt end to have even more of a lingering effect. just a couple of suggestions:
perhaps split the poem into two stanzas having the turning point of the poem launch the second stanza. Too I think you should take out "when" from "when quite suddenly" i think the transition would be all the more jarring to the reader. and one last thing i thought it might be fun to manipulate the way vanished is written to create a vanished image literally on paper ex: instead of vanished use v a n i s h e d. |
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| I have to say...didn't expect it. Simply worded, narrative, yet such emotion. Short, to the point, and powerful. Very nice read. |
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Instant nothingness from a soul's perspective? Yes, why not?
I'd like to say "Sounds good to me"... how very ironic!
Neat thinking when no more is required. :) |
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Comment by: dreamer - 2007-07-17 00:48
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| I really liked this. I like how short and conversational it is, making it seem real. I agree with roger that leaving out the blood and gore leaves more room for the reader to create thir own shock. |
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| I'm not entirely sure if this is what you were going for here, but you've captured this phenomenon like TS Eliot's "This is the way the world ends/Not with a bang, but with a whimper" ("The Hollow Men") There is no masterful poetic stream of consciousness to go along with this kind of annihilation, it just happens. Forget the peeling skin and blood and anything else from a movie. Only tighten up the language a little. |
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