For many of us, one of the most important skills we need to develop toward achieving our goals is the practice of saying, 'No,'� and feeling okay about it. Growing up in a controlling home or religious environment can create a sense of obligation and unconscious fear of consequences that can literally cripple us. We continue to put others' needs and demands first, until one day we open our eyes and see all of the opportunities that we have let slip by because we did not make our own lives a priority.

I recently had a very harsh lesson in this. For a few years, I worked independently as a family visitation supervisor. After Joe died and I had to return to full time work out of necessity, I stopped taking new clients. One of my current clients at the time was almost finished with services, but an incident occurred that brought the parent back into completely supervised visits - in a location 60 miles from home. The family asked that I continue because the children knew me and against my better judgment, I agreed. I did not expect the situation to last for very long, but it soon became obvious that one party was going to do everything they could to obstruct any progress.

Just this one addition of extra time contributed to a major meltdown in physical health and emotions. I was unable to devote my full attention to my own work and play. I've lived with chronic health problems for 20 years and making a decision to live like there was nothing wrong resulted in a major crash within one year.

Even when we begin to make progress in standing firm for ourselves, it often falls on deaf ears. Our families, employers and sometimes even our friends will continue to make demands until we have been consistent enough times for them to get the message.

Women naturally have a strong caring ethic. Part of it is due to our socialization, but we are the ones who give birth and typically end up caring for our young, often alone. These caring actions are expected and taken advantage of by others who place no value on our time and energies.

The Universe is quite the practical joker sometimes. Although recently I made a very clear 'No'� statement, it seems that the number of requests for free services has tripled. And I'm finding that although this is annoying, to say the least, it is very, very difficult emotionally to be firm - and I even justified a 'yes'� to myself. I may as well slash my own tires.

There are so many things I need to accomplish, and one of them is getting back to my full time job if for no other reason that I need the paycheck until I build another source of income. I am enjoying putting a lot of hard work into this new venture and I know in my heart that it will be successful. Realistically, it could take some time. Most small businesses fail because people give up too soon and I am determined to see my vision manifest.

In order to do that, whatever free time and energy I have must be focused on my goals. I have given employers, friends and organizations hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars' worth of free services. In return, I received experience, wisdom and knowledge but it don't pay the bills.

Sometimes I didn't even receive an acknowledgment, which happened a surprising number of times with the free readings and interpretations I gave on MySpace. I hated to e-mail people for their feedback, and some didn't even answer that. To me, this was a strong message that the time had come to put my energies into better caring for myself.

Intangible services tend to have little value to the recipient when provided too freely. Some type of exchange should occur. Money does not necessarily have to be involved. Barter can be satisfactory, and referring clients who are willing to pay a fee may be the best exchange of all.

Copyright @2007 by Parthena Black

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