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Thats hysterical!
The video played.
Two teenage boys circle each other, their gloved fists raised in tension of combat. The boy to the right makes the first move, a forward jab with his left glove only to miss his opponent. His body blocks the other boy from view, but only for a second. In an instant, the right boy's head snaps back battered from the blow of his opponent's jab. He falls to the floor, his face contorting in pain as blood streams down his face, commingling with his tears.
The video stops.
The TV hosts laugh incessantly, their faces involuntarily expanding in hysteria like some half crazed fool.
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Comment by: Teri - 2007-07-26 17:22
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Brilliant last line. I could picture this, and it's rather scary, the fact we've become spectators in a reenactment of the days of the Roman Coliseum. I read where people were petitioning to have the Steve Irwin death video released. All we need is Nero and his lyre, and we're right back to that.
Thanks for the read. Whatever suggestions I could make have been made, and as mentioned, I'd think about expanding this a little more if you can.
Teri |
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Comment by: fhaedra - 2007-07-16 23:10
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I circled with these boys, trying to follow the motion and the rhythm. It's appealing, this view you create.
Suggestions for sharpening, imo:
1. Dump 'only' as in 'only to miss his opponent. It's not needed. Besides, the next line has 'only' in it as well. What about - ', missing his opponent' instead?
2. How about leaving out 'the' as in 'the right boy' and substituting 'his opponent's jab' with 'left boy's jab'? Then: 'Right boy falls...blood (something other than 'streams') down his face, etc.'
3. The tv hosts 'laughed'..do you want to alter the tense here? Maybe keeping things in the present is more effective as in 'the tv hosts laugh sadistically...' 'the hysteria involuntarily expanding..'.
I agree with others who suggest a hyphen between half and crazed, if you keep that term. Seems to me these hosts are more than halfway there..
Write it again, this time with your eyes closed. Visualize the movement and the obscene joy of the hosts. Feel the rhythm of this macabre dance.
You've got a good one here. Thanks for the read. |
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Well done.
I was wondering if you are limited in your word count? If you are not, I would re-structure this sentence:
//In an instant, the head of the boy to the right snaps back, battered from the blow of his opponentā??s jab.//
maybe //from hid opponent's jab.//
Otherwise it's good. |
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This kind of reminds me of Fahrenheit 451, where the main characters wife is watching loud, bright, gruesome car crashes and clowns on the television. Neither your story or Ray Bradbury's is very far off the mark of what reality tv is presenting. I don't know if this is too technical with a witty, relevant tie-in at the end. Perhaps you could have the perspective of the tv producers/audience sooner in the story. Little glimpses here and there wouldn't ruin the end.
also, now that I think of it...I don't know if two boys boxing is radicall enough. You can see sport endorsed (I'm not sure what to call it) boxing on a lot of channels...WWF and what not. Whatever you want to call it, brutality for the sake of entertainment. I think you are trying to get something more across...go a little bit further, and I'm not sure if you are there yet.
That's Hysterical!
half-crazed
..those are the only typos I found! |
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Interesting and original!
In the last line I would leave out 'their' and 'some' and add an s to 'fool' and I think a hyphen is needed between 'half' and 'crazed'...The TV hosts laughed incessantly, faces involuntarily expanding in hysteria like half-crazed fools. |
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