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I really enjoyed this, Cherrie. It took a very cliched concept - walking on broken glass" - and broke it down into a brutally spare poem. Also the rhyme in something so sparse can often seem forced, but it seems to work perfectly in this case.
Paul :D |
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| Great imagery, I love it! I almost feel like I have been there before... |
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Yes to all foregoing crits.
I find this very sharp. I am no big fan of end rhyme, but you make it work. It flows, it does not hammer.
You do have a stumbling in meter in the line "forthcoming defeat". "Forthcoming' is a long, clumsy word. A lawyer word. It does not harmonize with the rest of your language. May I suggest something like "I face defeat" which is a syllable shorter?
I think this poem succeeds. |
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| Thank you all so much. There are times in our lives when we are walking on broken glass to not upset someone and maybe even keep the fragile peace. It is at these moments that it is the hardest time. We all feel it at some point. |
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| With the first stanza ending "while you sleep" it puts me in mind of a child being hurt, waiting on someone to rescue them. The last stanza seems to speak of resignation and a loss of hope. Just my interpretation, but I think there is great emotion in this piece and I like the use of simple words to create it. |
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