The View From Within

The path from dream to destiny is often unmarked and riddled with rabbit trails. One road leads to the pinnacle of "what if" and another to the valley of "why not." The answers are not on the surface. They are found at the deep end of the soul. The legendary boy named "Sue" (written by Shel Silverstein; recorded by Johnny Cash) wrestled with his identity from early childhood to manhood. His one quest in life was to find the man who named him and kill him for inflicting torment on his undeserving soul. Walking into a bar and facing his father brought him face-to-face with his (presumed) destiny. He stood at a crossroads. To kill his Dad would take him out of the preverbal frying pan and into the fire, but the pain he bore for so long demanded retribution!

The man responsible for his lifelong frustration is also a masterful artist at presenting his own truth. He takes an ignoble act and makes it a mysterious conundrum of pontification, surprisingly turning the table by explaining that he taught his son self-defense by giving him the outlandish name because he would not be around to protect him. In my opinion, he is a manipulator, a deadbeat dad, and an outright chicken! But, he proposed his truth and awakened a hidden dimension to his son. The boy named Sue fought his way to manhood and became resilient and determined'two powerful qualities for moving from dream to destiny.

The human spirit forms its character from choices made through life experience, shaping the way we see the world. We interpret reality through the lens of our soul. Our soul, according to Dallas Willard in Renovation of the Heart is the highest dimension of self that is interrelated with all other dimensions of our being. Often seen as the inner person, the Apostle Paul describes the outer body as fleeting and decaying, but the inner as renewed day-by-day. Our personality, integrated into all other dimensions; at its core, resides in the hidden abyss of our brain. Within our mind the personality dimension interacts with our sensory perception which is largely connected to the optical nerve where visual images are transmitted through the eye gate. Certainly, other senses such as touch, smell, taste and perception, feed the personality factor.
From within our outlook, choices, and intentions form a seed that germinates into outward expressions of thought, feelings and actions. Where there is fruit there is always a root and that is where the revealing truth of whom we really are lies. The boy "Sue" is a sublime example of how we all too often place a higher value on the response to a situation than we do to the situation itself. Willard refers to these actions as choices that we "farm out" to our body through our social contact where we more or less act out automatically without giving thought to our actions.

Sue boy was hot wired to a negative emotion that stemmed from an identity crisis. His problem is epidemic in our culture and may be one of the leading causes of spiritual decline in the family today. Furthermore, I contend that the postmodern church is responsible for producing a schizophrenic environment that lacks order and thought of Christ himself. Being more concerned about social impact, our Christian label-consciousness in America has diluted our thinking, placing a higher value on "what" we are affiliated with than with "whom" we are affiliated.
Choices made for and by me can be confused with outside factors that separate me from the identity God had in mind from the beginning. When I find myself on a wayward course that leads to my nemesis, the Spirit reminds me, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11NIV).

Twice in my life I brushed elbows with death. The first time, when I was Sixteen, I nearly drowned. My Dad, a small town minister, hurled me into a raging river and expected me to learn to swim with these mere instructions, "kick your feet and move your arms." The effect of that experience set a precedent for negative decision-making that marked my life. Twenty-six years later I had another close call when I skied over a cliff and sustained a closed head injury resulting in MTBI (Mild Traumatic Brain Injury). The first experience set me up for failure, the second one for success.
These events motivated me to search out the deeper dimensions of my limbic system where choices exist at both the conscious and subconscious level. My dad's intentions were not clear to me on the day that he hurled me into the river expecting me to learn to swim. I wonder whether he truly cared that I learned to swim, or just that his emotions were appeased by following through with his promise. In the dark corners of my mind, I catch myself wondering if he derived some sadistic pleasure out of watching me struggle. I can't accept that, it's too hard for me. Yet, it lingers in my thoughts because I know that Dad did not have a loving, nurturing childhood, and for that reason, acted aggressively toward anyone who ventured close to him. He appeared resilient on the exterior, but his interior revealed an unspoken wounding that he never overcame. On rare occasions, he displayed a deep concern for our welfare and safety. He delved out his affection in small portions and I never knew what it would take to gain his approval. Because he lacked education, was aloof, and challenged authority, he never got close enough to anyone to learn methods outside of his own experience. Perhaps he lacked wisdom and patience. Or maybe he was just outright selfish. His desire to go fishing may have overrode any decent judgment to delay his personal gratification in lieu of spending quality time with his family and teaching his children the sensible way to swim. The one thing I know is he initiated my heart and I lived from one calamity to the next until a collision of collective disasters proved to be the impetus for change.

Researchers at the University of Toronto have charted how and where painful events become permanently etched in the brain. According to Dr. Min Zhuo, Department of Physiology, University of Toronto, fear memory does not occur immediately, but takes time to become part of the collective consciousness. When a trauma is introduced, a receptor is activated in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain producing a protein called NR2B, which is associated with fear memory. The benefit of such research is far reaching in the realm of pain-related emotional disorders such as anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. The reversal of NR2B is ON2B or "ought not to be" (acronym mine). In other words, most fear memory could have been avoided with a little effective decision-making.

A whale of a fish in my school of life is Earl Friesen, a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist in Colorado Springs, who is renowned for his work in trauma therapy and refers to it as the 'Gestalt (Ge'�stalt -A physical, biological, psychological, or symbolic configuration or pattern of elements so unified as a whole that its properties cannot be derived from a simple summation of its parts. Also called gestalt phenomenon) of God.'�
Accordingly, fear memory is introduced through a traumatic event. A trauma occurs that creates a substantial alteration in the brain thus producing a release of NR2B that saturates the soft tissue and indelibly grabs a memory sensor making its mark for the rest of your natural life. The body's response is to replicate the experience in numerous ways in an effort to validate it. How many times have you asked yourself the question, "why did I do that just now?" or, "why do I keep making the same mistakes?" The answer lies in the triggers, they may come through any of the five senses, but most often through smell, causing a response. If the memory is well, the response will be positive. Conversely, the response will be negative. The present is side-stepped and the emotion is a reaction to the initial experience.

Commonly, it is a misfire in the limbic system that grabs the essence of the memory without revealing the initial event and precludes a healthy response by requiring an action based on defense as opposed to realization of the current situation. In a sense it corrupts, or hijacks choice. The response is rooted in a long standing affair of the heart with the trauma-induced incident, and annihilates the present, drawing only on the past. If there is another person involved in this exchange, they are nothing more than the conduit by which the emotion is stirred and left in the dust of the explosion that ensues. Thus, unresolved issues, especially childhood trauma, block the ability to live in a present state of love. It is impossible to maintain a healthy concept of self love when the inner voice of rejection and emotional pain beckons a constant audience.

Earl's therapeutic approach to healing emotional fear or trauma-based memories requires first the acknowledgment of the alleged offense to start the tension associated with the trauma and thus bring it to completion. The effect of the memory becomes altered through the process of completion or gestalt. Notice that I did not say that the memory goes away, but rather its affectability. For instance, I mentioned earlier that "kicking my feet and propelling my arms," or simply put, fast peddling, became a way of life for me. I did not associate the effect of the near-drowning with my attitude until I reentered the experience when I was drawn into the Colorado stream and took the queue from the shiny object to reflect on my life's journey. I was invited into a tension I would rather have avoided, but realized I must face.

Christ experienced this tension in the garden of Gethsemane. Knowing more than any mere human could have of his betrayal and impending death, he beseeched God to allow the "cup" of suffering to pass from him. I imagine in a time before man that God- the-Father and God-the-Son sat together discussing the age of humanity; its fall and restoration. In much the way that you and I might sit with a glass of wine at my table discussing some future plans, they imbibed in representation of the meaning of the blood of the vine. Perhaps, Christ was hearkening back to that discussion in remembrance of when Father passed the chalice to Son and he drank knowing that it meant he would pour out his life's blood to redeem a fallen world.

Yet, at the point of actuality, the reality of such a choice became more intense than his humanity could endure. Ultimately, discretion became the better part of valor in his conclusion, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt" (Matt. 26:39). This prayer began his descent into a hellish death and triumphed in his final words of victory, "It is finished!" That, according to Earl, is the Gestalt of God: The journey through the hell of the experience to bring it to completion.

What and how we individually change is a choice. It's not so much the fact that we all face choices as it is the quality of our choices. For many of us it takes personal disaster. Look at the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina for example. The breach in the levy posed grave and emanate danger, but the impetus for change only occurred after a national disaster and the loss of human life. I propose that a spiritual transformation (a transformation of the spirit of humankind) may have averted that and many other disasters. I base my proposal on Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Having a transformed mind causes us to look at our circumstances through spiritual eyes that reveal personal and universal truth. It is a personal choice to involve the Holy Spirit in the process of change. With a renovated heart, we subjugate the divine order of our ideas, beliefs, feelings, and habits of choice for us individually as well as for all of us collectively or socially.

From inception and during the process of formation we begin to relate to and identify with certain sounds, voices, and emotions. Even in the watery sack of our mothers' womb, we develop an awareness of our external environment of which we have no ability to see or comprehend. We are being shaped by the external all the while the internal is under development. Those impressions are hot wired to our thoughts at the deepest level of who we are.

Until I experienced rearranged matter as the result of a brain injury, I reacted most of the time to my internal impressions. I listened and responded through clogged filters. A filter allows things to come and go in small units over a period of time. I learned the value of filters some time ago when I realized that the one in my furnace needed to be replaced. I had lived in my new home for nearly two years before I isolated the problem. Since I was in a new development with a lot of construction going on, I reckoned that my incessant need for dusting was coming from the large loads of dirt being moved around on the surrounding properties. After the houses were built and the sod was in place, the mounds of dust kept piling up and I was down to a once-a-day dusting of all my glass top tables and mirrors. It was exhausting. I bemoaned my plight to a male friend who immediately assessed the situation.

"Have you changed the filters in your furnace?"

"Uh, no. There are filters in my furnace?"

"You mean you have not changed the filters in your furnace since you moved into your place?"

Embarrassing silence ensued. I promptly hung up the phone and scrambled into the crawl space to replace the filter. While I am admitting idiocy here, I may as well come completely clean. I somehow thought that other filters were instantly available to me. In truth, I did not know what a filter looked like and presumed it to be something like the water filter on my sink so I expected there to be a reserve of filters attached to the furnace. My first challenge was to figure out where the filter was hidden, next came the daunting task of removing it. With visceral force I yanked the filter out and with it came a black cloud that covered my face and hands. I held the filter up to the light and could not see through it. After washing my face I darted off to the hardware store toting my blackened filter. It did not occur to me that I was displaying my flagrant lack of filter knowledge until I watched out of the corner of my eyes as people shook their heads when I walked by. The task of purchasing a new filter only revealed more of my ignorance. After soliciting information from the orange jacketed Home Depot associate, I learned that there are numerous types, styles, and shapes of filters. More informed than I ever cared to be, I drove home and inserted my new energetically magnetized filter in the furnace. The incessant dust abated from my house and I learned a whole lot about the power of small units that move in and out over a period of time.

I am the type of person who, when I get it, I REALLY GET IT! Here, I got it. Having worked through the physical problem of clogged filters, I began to think about my personal filtering process and quickly assessed that I was clogged with little units of dismissal, disappointment, disillusion, deception, and a whole list of other words from A to Z. Did you know that clogged filters can cause the system to operate sluggishly and if unattended to over time, can cause the system to shut down all together? Yep, now that I am operating with new filters, I know a whole lot about how important they are. One primary benefit of new filtering is that I do not waste so much of my time cleaning up debris. When I start to notice that I am going over things again and again, I check my filters and start looking for high quality replacements.

It would not be fair of me to tell you the problem and not give a solution, so I will supply at least one filter that I keep in my arsenal. When particles of emotional debris are exposed, I see it as a trespass on my clean shiny surface. That is when I return to the instructions Jesus gave regarding prayer. "In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen" (Matt. 6:9-13).

I need to have my trespasses revealed through a kingdom experience of surrendering to Gods will so that I may be forgiven and forgive others who have trespassed against me. I renounce my willingness to be led into temptation by my thought life and seek to have a renewed or transformed mind.

The Lords name is Holy and connotes his inexhaustible character. His kingdom comes into our lives through a daily walk of surrender to all that his name embodies and from it our every need is supplied. When I place a higher value on my way of thinking, my experience, or my wants than I do in who He is, I replace his holiness with my attributes and it always becomes evident in the way that I react to life. He is the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-present God who sees my hidden substance; those things formed in me through life's experience. He has provided a sound mind where I can deploy the light of logic to shine into my reasoning to produce an understanding that is bathed in Godly wisdom.

There is an overused saying in the computer industry, "garbage in-garbage out!" It's also true with our multi-dimensional being. If debris has accumulated at the base of our sense of self, it will manifest in our relationship to others. Jesus drills down at this point with very strong language, "Do you not see and understand that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the abdomen and so passes on into the place where discharges are deposited? But whatever comes out of the mouth comes from the heart, and this is what makes a man unclean and defiles {him}. For out of the heart come evil thoughts (reasoning's and disputing and designs) such as murder, adultery, sexual vice, theft, false witnessing, slander, and irreverent speech. These are what makes a man unclean and defile {him} . . ." (Matthew 15: 17-20a AMP).
In the following pages I tell the story of how I became transformed through an accident that held the potential for holding me hostage in my former way of thinking. Miraculously, through the gift of sound medicine, neuropsychiatry, wise counselors, physical, occupational, and cognitive therapists, I moved through the cracked shell of a broken brain into a transformed mind that lives with a beautiful reminder of heavenly grace. It was not easy at first to pray, "Your kingdom come, your will be done." I did not want to be disabled. I did not want to suffer pain, hardship, and loss. I did not know I had so much to gain.

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