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Transhumance
the bar empty
except for the person
polishing her nails visibly
not in any mood
for conversation
and the red-coated huntsmen
climbing the walls
so I turn
my attention to the carpet
and its geometry of regularity
of the kind woven
by nomads their spindles
rising falling to the rhythm
of shambling donkeys and
squatting outside black tents
on the high summer pastures
or in sharp candlelight
when snow leans against
the pavilions further whitens
the fleeces waiting to be dyed
and spun into the meaning
of life its mysteries unrolled
in a language of rigidity
and order carried
on the backs of camels
in slow dignity with sheep's bells
to the markets caravanserais
ships' holds and into the meeting
rooms of treasurers a boot
has scuffed up a corner
of the carpet and like
a patch of shaded summer snow
a label
Cornelius Poad & Son
Brighouse
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Many thanks, Lauren, for such a fine analysis (particularly as I'm rather stumbling in that department). I'll have a think on those rhymes, or near rhymes. I find they rather help me in the reading of it, in its rhythms, but I'll certainly reconsider. This is a foggy road for me to travel, as I rarely, if ever, read a poem each time in exactly the same way. Once again, thanks.
milner |
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Comment by: - 2007-07-16 11:08
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this is a really neat and imaginative kind of introspection. what permeates the "in-between-the-lines" is a sense of isolation, but not loneliness. that feels important in the interpretation.
the enjambment forced me to read and re-read but i found that i appreciated the effect in the long-run because of it, even sans punctuation. the minutiae is just as important as the pacing.
in regards to revision, i would want to point out unintentional end-rhymes that distract from the structure (ie: rigidity, dignity) - the alliterative groupings work well but in those similar sounding words, the flow is altered, especially when reading this piece aloud. thanks for sharing this poem. |
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Thanks, Kenneth. I know what you mean about that line. I didn't want to punctuate, so tried putting two spaces in. Unfortunately editing it that way doesn't come though on the programme used here which refuses to obey, so they must be just imagined.
milner |
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I also like this one Milner. Like Sophia wrote, it travels. I guess you intended for the reader to participate in the "Transhumance", and I think it works ... well. The absence of puntuation messed me up a little on the line "the pavilions further whitens"
I liked very much the simile describing the label. |
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Thanks, Tim. I'd thought I might get some crits on the line breaks etc. I was trying to get it a bit haphazard to suit the stumbling gait of the caravan winding down a stony track. Glad you approve. Hope to get at the other matter within next 2 days.
Cheers
milner |
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