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Missing - Wee stories challenge #5
'Oh my goodness, where are they? This is so not funny. I'll die if I don't find them,' Anne muttered, stopping at the sound of footsteps.
'No way I'm climbing out the window, down that tree, in a white mini skirt without my underwear, in the rain!'
Her boyfriend barely contained his laughter. Giving up she scurried down the tree, barely getting out before his dad woke him up for school.
Getting immodestly wet, the old man next door smiled.
'Anne!' her boyfriend tossed the underwear out the window, landing high in the branches.
The old man's smile grew.
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Comment by: dreamer - 2007-07-30 11:27
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| No name for the boyfriend, sorry. But he doesn't matter. Took the rest of it though. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2007-07-29 12:56
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Good stuff - Suzanne. Funny situation, and you made me 'see' it. Couple of suggestions:
replace full stop after 'them' with a comma.
??Anne!? he tossed the underwear out the window, landing high in the branches.
I found this confusing, at first thaought it was the old man next door who was calling her name, since he had just been mentioned. So, I'd suggest you give the boyfriend a name (ahem). You can lose a word by contracting 'I will' to 'I'll' in that first sentence, which allows you to name the boyfriend.
Hope that makes sense.
Cheers
Karen |
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| I liked your use of the word "Missing". Creative and different Awesome! |
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| Enjoyable and very good, what a combination. Having read the comments below I can see that this has progressed a little and been smoothed out and worked upon. It is good to get comments from Teri, Garrett et al, but to see Tim (Bonrassi) write so little you know that you're really there with the work. Which means you've got some good guys and gals on the case. But the initial idea and construct was yours so that's the main thing. Techniques can be learnt. Just look at Mick's work it's come on a long way (specially now he's down to wine and olives only three times a day) - nice write, thanks for sharing it with us, take care on your travels - Grae. |
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fun read.. nice terse constructions...solid work.
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c(")(")
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