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beheardnotscene
Jeff Newby
United States, California, Bakersfield

Words: 878
Access: Public
Comments: 15

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The new us (a small piece of a big puzzle)

For miles and miles, Kevin anxiously wondered if he would ever reach his destination. The thought had barely crossed Kevin's mind when a voice came over the speaker, 'Attention all passengers, we have just received word that the city of Los Angeles as well as the surrounding areas have all been'' the voice cut off. The younger passengers pleaded with their mommies and daddies for answers. The rest of the passengers sat in apprehensive silence.

'Passengers,' the voice began again, 'Los Angeles has been the victim of,' he paused, 'attack.' The train erupted in shouts and cries. Some people sat with their mouths wide open in shock. Cell phones were ripped out of pockets as confused people frantically called home to reach their loved ones. The particular sound of plastic breaking apart caught Kevin's ear. He turned to see that an impatient old women had thrown her phone to the ground.

"People please stay calm!" said one attendent from the back of Kevin's car as another tried, in vain, to stop a rather large man who insisted he be let off the train.

"I have to get off of this train! What if there are terrorists on this train? Have you thought about that at all? Of course not!" He was screaming now. "Have you personally screened all of these people? What about the Arabs? How many are on this train?" His large belly inflated as he talked.

Kevin found that rather amusing. They were in the middle of nowhere. Where would the man go? In a post 9/11 society, shrouded in fear and distrust, he assumed that the man's actions were reasonable. Especially if terrorists were staging another attack.

'All trains that departed from California are to stop at the nearest station and await further instructions.'

Kevin pulled out his cell phone but was halted when he couldn't figure out who to call. He had no immediate family and only a handful of friends living in L.A. Most of them were out of town. He couldn't remember if his cousin Mark still lived in the area or not. They weren't very close and hadn't talked to each other in a few years, but he decided that didn't matter. He found the name on his contact list and hit the 'call' button.

'Hello?' a female voice answered after a few rings.

'Hi, this is Kevin Serna. I'm Mark's cousin. Is he around? Can I speak with him?'
No response. 'Hello? Are you still there?' Kevin hoped his damn cell phone didn't drop the call.

'Yes, I'm sorry,' she sounded distant, 'are you calling about the blast?'

'What blast? What happened?' The driver had been too vague, Kevin thought, he probably didn't want to alarm anybody, but he should have mentioned a blast.

'It's all over the news, on every channel. Right after Mark left for the store it happened. They don't know what it is.' She seemed like she was on autopilot, probably suffering from shock. 'I'm sorry, who is this again?'

'This is Kevin Serna, I'm Mark's cousin. Look, can you please just tell him I called and to call me back as soon-'

She cut him off, 'Someone is knocking at the door, hold on maybe it's Mark.'

It sounded as if she set the phone down. A moment later she picked it up again.

'It's him! Thank god he is alright. I gotta set you down again while I unchain the door ok?' She sounded relieved.

'Sure, that's no problem.' Kevin let out a sigh of relief. Mark was ok and would no doubt have some good information about the so called 'attack.' He was jolted back into his seat when the screaming on the other end of the phone line started.

'Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? What's happening?' Panic gripped Kevin.

The screaming stopped. He thought he heard coughing but he couldn't be sure. It might have just been his ears playing tricks on him.

'Hello.' It was Mark.

'Mark?'

'Hi, Kevin.' Even though Kevin hadn't spoke to Mark in a long time, he sounded different. His voice wasn't the same as Kevin remembered. It was empty and devoid of emotion.

'What happened I heard screaming? Is your girlfriend ok?'

'She's fine, Kevin. Why don't you come over, pal? I want to talk to you about something.'

'What the hell is going on, Mark? What is happening over there?' Sweat ran down his brow and dripped off his nose. The blood had all but left his knuckles as he gripped the phone.

'Nothing, pal. Everything is just fine. Why don't you come over? I have something for you.' Kevin could distinctly hear coughing now, followed by moans. He didn't know what to say. Mark spoke first.

'She needs to be put down.'

'' what?'

'She's hurt bad. We'll put her down.'

'Who Mark? What are you talking about.'

'Mother Earth. She's got a cancer and we are going to operate. We're going to start with this bitch.'

Another scream and then the phone call ended.

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Comments  
MalachiAiden Comment by: MalachiAiden - 2008-03-03 08:27
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The end makes me want to read on! I love the suspense. The scene on the train was awsome, it showed how people post 9/11 are quick to judge and become hostile. I think that his cousin Mark had something to do with the explosion because it happened right after he left for the store and the comment he makes at the end of the story "Mother Earth. She's got a cancer and we are going to operate. We're going to start with this bitch." WOW
yugohoshi Comment by: yugohoshi - 2007-10-19 10:16
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I think i got how you wanted to write this story, but i felt this was more style than substance. You captured the mob-panic so well, and the world that's ever-increasing in reliance of cell phones.
I just felt like i was cut short of what's going on. You made a great build up, then the story ended suddenly. what happened to Kevin? what exactly happened in LA? what was mother earth's cancer - coz there's a billion and one things wrong with society, but im not sure any of it was 'mother earth's' fault. It was good writing, and YOU know your intentions - but i'm left clueless. Be more 'audience frindly' i guess. Let us in on your thoughts!!
counterculture Comment by: counterculture - 2007-08-21 13:39
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Wow. This is awesome.
This has KILLER imagery! I honestly read this straight through, jaw dropped...

Thank you for this piece.
beheardnotscene Comment by: beheardnotscene - 2007-08-17 07:33
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Thank you very much for your comment. Im sorry it has taken me so long to leave you some appreciation, I have just been muy, muy, busy. Im trying to let the concept of scrapping the first paragraph seem good to me but its hard to let something go! We shall see. :-D

- Jeff
bludimond86 Comment by: bludimond86 Online- 2007-08-03 18:25
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wow. that shocked me a wee bit. the pacing at the end was phenomenal. the story carries really well from one idea to the next. i think you could make the beginning just as effective as the end, not to say that it wasn't well written, i just feel like the way the language carries in the beginning could coincide better to the end. Use shoter sentences in the beginning. They can be very effective. I think it would add to the sense of urgency. actually, scratch that, im looking back and your second paragraph is much stronger than your first, and there is no real vital information in the first paragraph. i think you schould scrap it and open with the second paragrahp perhaps adding "The passengers sat in silence" to the beginning becuase i liked that line and it establishes a tone for the reader. also in order to avoid cliche' terms (barely crossed his mind) try to induge yourself in the sensation of the moment in order to inspire a specific sensation that you can itterate to your audience. like what sensation would match the tone of the piece was it stabbing, irritating, hot, cold, did it smell like roses or funk? whatever it is make it specific. your way with dialogue is fantastick, but i think if you focus more on specifying detail in a clear way that is unique to you, your prose can be just as strong.

great work
love the concept
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