It's insanity, I tell you!

From the beginning of time, going to the store has seemed like such a simple task, but in the end has always turned out to be a bigger mess than anticipated, leaving the store-goer frustrated and exhausted, no matter how few items you are attmepting to retrieve from said store.

First of all, let me give some of you shoppers a LITTLE advice...


Upone entering the store, move your ass. When you grab your cart and spend the next five minutes fidgeting, you bottleneck the whole entrance leaving all of us standing there playing with our nuts while you get your damn purse propped up properly in the child seat. Get out out of the fucking way, okay? Get your cart, and move toward the inside of the store, and pull your ass to the side, leaving the way clear for the rest of us who have a purpose, okay?

Also, please pay attention to your surroundings. It seems that you socializers will happen to find the one spot at the end of the aisle that had been clogged with end-cap displays and portable racks that close off the end of the aisle to the width of a single cart. When stores do this, it's usually only for about two feet, but dammit, there are some of your freaks who pick THIS SPOT to park yer fucking cart and talk to your friend Gina, or the produce section manager about the quality of the kumquat. You are NOT the only bastard in the store.

And again, people, your aren't fooling me that you happen to be the only shopper in the whole store that has lost their peripheral vision. If you park your cart in the middle of the aisle, and are nice enough to at least move your ass over, you are blocking the chili. That's fine. When some poor schlub pulls his cart next to yours, craning his neck around your cart, trying to peer a sneaky look at the prices of the chili cans, don't pretend you don't see him while you are comparing your cans of Lima beans. You aren't fooling anyone. You know EXACTLY whats in there.... LIMA BEANS!

I know that you just don't want to admit that you know I am there, cuz then you'd be compelled to move. Instead, you stand ther being a lazy fuck watching me twist myself around your cart, trying to get my chili, as if it's impossible to see me while you are looking at your lima beans, but you know damn well you can see the squeezy-cheese sample table two aisles over, and can even identify what brand of cracker they are squeezing it on.

You are an inconsiderate freak if you do this, and I tell you what.... that rotten egg smell you sniffed in on aisle three while perusing the macaroni and cheese? I dropped ass over there and left it for you as a gift. Yeah, I knew it was a stinker, too, cuz it burned on it's way out, prompting me to stop at the store's restrooms for a quick safety wipe!

When somone does get bold enough to ask you to move cuz you refuse to, don't look at them like they just asked you to sacrifice your fist born male child, all they did was ask you to move your lazy ass over so they could get what they want. You don't even need to pretend to have not seen them with a fake little giggle, just move! No one has a problem with you.

Once you are done filling your cart with ding dongs and frozen pizzas and are headed for the check-out, I know you see me there carrying only a half gallon of milk, and a newspaper, yet you suddenly have that burst of energy you lacked while shopping, and cut my ass off at the check out lane, cuz you HAVE to get your shit in there first.

Lady, you got two hundred dollars worth of shit in your cart, but you are so self-centered that you can't let me pay for my two items? Get bent! If I see you pull out a Quest card (food stamps) on top of it all, you are fucking lucky I don't bitch-slap you like you need it, cuz not only did you put yourself above me, but you are using MY MONEY to pay for your shit. Don't insult me that way.

It's bad enough that when we go to the store, we have to deal with mego corporations that put prices on the displays that ring up twice as much when the shit is scanned at the register and moron employees that send you on wild goose chases cuz they are new and don't know the layout of the store any more than you do, but are compelled to deal with each others' rudeness.

These are just a few of the reasons men HATE shopping, and why we don't understand why you women love to shop.

It's maddening.

It's off the hook.

And by the way, you aren't fooling anyone, we know that you have no intention of buying whatever the free sample is, you just ask questions about it so you don't look like a pig when you go in for your second and third "samples"

Nuff said...

Shop in horror...

~Dane

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