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TOC:Mysteriously Torn from the pages of Kafka
Inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka
My name is Jack Morrison. On most day's, I am a warlock for hire. Yet today, I must play the noble role of pizza delivery guy.
I am an OathBreaker, and these are my Chronicles
1915 Molino Way, space 2; The Barrios of Rubidoux California
I stepped onto the black asphalt curb, holding the pizza bag in one arm. The air shook from heavy bass Mariachi music blaring from some distant stereo system. My feet pounded the cracked pavement of the small duplex's driveway to the home in the back. For a house in the barrio of Rubidoux, the place was pretty nice. Rose bushes placed alongside the driveway, flower boxes hung outside the window just underneath iron bars. The only flaw was that someone had painted the house pink. Pink is just a horrible color to paint a house. I mean lets' face it, no matter how pretty your house is, any man living there still has to deal with the reality that he's living in a pink house.
I rang the doorbell. I wanted this to be over soon. No one wants to be in Rubidoux after dark. If you did, hobos or street toughs or even hobo street toughs could mug you. Rashnu is good enough protection (he can take his behemoth of a demonic form and rough em up a bit) but what's he gonna do if they just come out and stab me cause they're high on crack or smack or whatever the fuck they do?
The door opened as my eyes scan the receipt checking the name.
'I have a pizza for Grigori Samsin?' That is a weird name.
My eyes darted to the person at the door.
'Shit!'
A giant Cockroach, about six feet tall, stood at the door on his two hind legs. His beady black eyes looked down upon me, eyeing me from head to toe.
'I-I have a pizza for Grigori Samsin?' I said to him, hoping that if he had enough intelligence to open a door, he could understand me.
I stared at his antennae for about ten seconds.
'Anya!' Said a voice. It took me about two seconds to realize that it was the cockroach, whistling words from whatever it used for it mouth.
'Anya!' It spoke again, this time I could barely pick up a European (maybe Russian) dialect. He (I think it was male) spoke a string of words that sounded like Spanish.
'Oh, the pizza's here?' Said a female voice from inside. From behind, a shapely pale redheaded teenage girl wearing a black tube top and white shorts walked out. She smiled at me, then looked at the pizza.
'How much?' She inquired, placing her hands on her hips.
'11.45?' I told her, my eyes slightly narrowing.
'Okay! Let me get my purse!' She cheerily ran back into the house, leaving me once again with Grigori, the giant fucking roach, who apparently was Russian.
I shifted the pizza bag under my shoulder. Grigori's copper toned antennae scurried left and right, making swishing sounds as the moved. My eyes shifted downward.
(Seriously, what the fuck are you? Are you some kind of experiment gone wrong? Are you being punished by some cold and indifferent God? Speaking of God, what kind of loving and merciful God would allow you to live?)
'So'' I said, nodding. 'The roses look nice''
'Dah.' He hissed. 'My sister Hilda, she plants them.'
'Yeah' nice roses'umm how long you guys lived around here?'
'Two months' move in two months ago.'
'That cool''
I bit my tongue while struggling to keep a calm face.
(Who the fuck are these people that they don't even warn the pizza place that they have a giant walking and talking cockroach living in their house? And why are they letting him answer the door? Do they think shit like a giant talking cockroach is normal?)
His sister emerged from behind him, 14 dollars in her hand and a smile on her face.
'You can keep the change.' She said, placing the money in my hand, her brown eyes meeting mine.
'Thank you ma'am.' I said, stealing one more awkward glance at Gregorio before he disappeared behind the door.
I stood at the door for about five seconds before beginning my awkward march back to the car. Rash was waiting behind the wheel, shifting his body back and forth in rhythm to the mariachi music in the distance. Quietly, I opened the passenger door and sat down as the car engine groaned to life as Rashnu drove away.
Rash kept stealing glances at me.
'Something wrong Jack?'
'No, I guess not' except' I just delivered a pizza to a giant walking and talking cockroach.'
Rashnu drove the car towards Rubidoux Boulevard. He stopped at a traffic light, a smirk curling upon his lips. 'Are you joking?'
'You know what Rash? I wish I were. I wish that thirty seconds ago, I entered this car with the intention of telling a lie about a giant cockroach who ordered a pizza. But I am afraid that it just isn't the case.'
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| stayed with your in a focused interested way, enjoy your writing style. A slight bit more character development of Mr. Roach would have been icing. You rock. Peace, punkfairy |
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Comment by: Teri - 2007-07-21 10:40
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Hi, Richard,
As mentioned, not my cup of tea. Kafka, IMO, owns the giant cockroach. The best take on 'The Metamorphosis' was a piece I read on-line called 'The Iranian'. While not too many agree on the 'message' Kafka was attempting in the story via metaphor, I will say most of the story is just that: a metaphor. And I think that's what's missing in your story. Maybe that's the point and this is just a story of a big cockroach, but from what you've written, I think you could take this into another realm and have it work that much better. JMO and worth all you paid for it. Hahaha
Now ...
Garrett's correct in the 'day's' thing. No apostrophe. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's only 'day's' when you write about 'day's end', 'a day's time' ... a possessive, not a plural.
While I agree with most of Timothy's suggestions/corrections and see you've made some revisions accordingly, I respectfully disagree with the assessment of the lack of inclusion of verbs. The voice used in your story is informal. You write it as one would speak or think. Your lack of formality helps the flow. You did a little too much tell and not enough show, as Timothy mentioned, but occasionally, we need a touch of that to make it a little more 'real' in the mind of the reader. We don't think in proper, grammatical language, so in a piece such as this [first person, informal, past tense], the stream is helped along by writing in a more relaxed manner. Does that make any sense? I may need more coffee.
>>>The only flaw was that someone had painted the house pink, which I never thought was a good idea to color any house.
//2 sentences. its two separate clauses joined with a comma-- which is a no no. <<<
While it's not incorrect to join a complete sentence to a phrase with 'which' [and you used the comma properly], it is confusing and this wording did read awkward. I see you changed it, but I wanted to correct this anyway.
I mean lets?? face it, no matter how pretty your house is, any man living there still has to deal with the reality that he??s living in a pink house.
- let's face it
And there should be a comma after 'I mean' and a colon after the 'face it'. In fact, there are numerous punctuation errors throughout. There are some very helpful on-line sources available for learning punctuation usage. Thank goodness for Google. haha
6th para - tense change from past to present that should be corrected.
That is a weird name. - same here.
14 dollars - always spell out numbers in full except in a date, phone number, address, etc.
making swishing sounds as the moved. - they
ten seconds
two seconds
five seconds - too much repetition. It gives the impression the narrator has a stop watch.
I said, stealing one more awkward glance
Rash kept stealing glances - try to avoid close repetition, especially of cliched phrasing.
""He (I think it was male) spoke a string of words that sounded like Spanish."" - LOL! Really, I lol'd. I know that feeling all too well. Lately, even Chinese sounds like Spanish to me. And vice versa.
??Oh, the pizza??s here?? Said a female voice - asked, not said, and no caps. Better yet, maybe something like 'I heard a female voice ... etc.'
I kinda wish you'd kept the part of the vampires and demons and werewolves. I don't agree that all the 'talking' is misplaced as he was thinking this, not speaking it out loud. We think very quickly and usually in snatches of images, not words. This gave your narrator a little more to his personality and experiences. And it would have made me look forward to perhaps reading more about these. But one thing: there were no Cherokee at the Little Big Horn. Cheyenne and Lakota, yes. I know this is fictional, but even in the most bizarre of situations, it's best to be as factual as possible. It makes it more 'real', hence more possible.
I apologize because this comment is all over the place. I usually try to list things in order as they appear in the story. However, this is the third time I've lost the internet connection and the comment I wrote, so I had to copy n paste and do all that fun stuff. As soon as I finish this, I'm going to find our cable representative and take a bat to their kneecaps.
A baseball bat. I'd never harm a real bat.
Okay, well, I've blathered enough. I'd like to see you take this, as I wrote, in a more layered and profound direction. Give us more to Jack and what he 'sees' in this instance. Use the giant roach [and I HATE roaches] in another sense, perhaps. I'm not crazy about the title because you're giving too much away. Anyone who's ever read Kafka could figure out this was going to be about the giant roach. It's his most popular work. Perhaps tie it in to his infamous relationship with his father and add a touch of 'The Penal Colony'. Make it more about Kafka and less about the giant roach. Ol' Franz was a multi-dimensional writer, and you have a lot of material should you decide to go that way.
Hope something here helps. Feel free to ignore any or all of it.
Teri xo |
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Comment by: gmarco - 2007-07-21 05:41
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"On most day(')s"
-days? I'm unsure actually
"I mean (lets??) face "
-let's
"His beady black (eyes) looked down upon me, (eyeing) me from head to toe."
-Might want to change one of these, probably the latter. Perhaps 'scanning me from head to toe'?
"??(That) cool??"
-that's?
"I just delivered a pizza to a giant (walking and talking) cockroach"
-'walking, talking' sounds cooler 'than walking and talking'
I noticed some mix up between Hilda and Anya? Gregori refers to his sister, Hilda, but then when Anya comes back... well, I don't know.
-Garrett |
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Just so you all know, I am listening. Massive Edits once again.
See, this is why I love ER. Not only an audience, but one of teachers as well.
Oh, and I am glad someone finally got the reference in the title =D |
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Comment by: gmarco - 2007-07-20 21:55
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Richard, if you're looking for making your piece a fucking bullet train read that goes nonstop to your balls, then listen to Tim.
ps. Tim, if I paid you $1 would you be my bff?
pps. I forgot to say how much I like the title. |
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