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I Am the Best
'I am the best! I am the best! I am the best!'
Theodore ran from the playground having beaten everybody at dodge ball. His hair wisped about his face beneath the sun which shone down the praises of the entire universe upon his little body. He had mastered his opponents, decimated Sally Miller's face with a rocket-arm throw resembling a professional football quarterback's pass, taken out the Carrel Brothers one-by-one, and won the final dodge ball game of the year. According to the rules, the last one standing on the last day of the year was the supreme dodge ball player for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR!!
He paused at the curb of the sidewalk ignoring the horn of a passing vehicle. Theodore turned to survey the playground one final time. Sally sat crying by the twisted monkey bars, hands held to her smashed nose as blood poured down her face. The Carrel Brothers walked the opposite way heads bowed in shame. The playground attendant, Mrs. Booths, scurried to Sally while shaking a finger and scolding Theodore. Ten other children whom had watched the final game watched Theodore in silence, and he wondered why they did not cheer him on as they had the Carrel Brothers the previous year, and Sally the year before that.
'Hell with you!' Theodore muttered, stepping into the street. 'I am the best!'
The truck squished his most vital organs beneath double-tires. The driver braked, the wet tires slid over Theodore's stomach sack, rubber burnt sinew, flesh and organ and took hold of the road. As the driver got out of his truck and ran back to Theodore, and as the ten children suddenly were no longer silent, the dimming light in Theodore's eyes read the ironic slogan on the back of the truck: 'What profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?'
Theodore died muttering, 'I am the best'I am'I am''
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| In reply to Gregoryhall......"John won't do this..." HA! I saw this one coming after the first paragraph! Then again I know him better then anyone here. Good job on the story and I can't help but mention how I giggled at the end of it. *Splat* |
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Comment by: L J - 2007-07-26 11:13
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These pieces spoke to me:
His hair wisped about his face beneath the sun which shone down the praises of the entire universe upon his little body. He had mastered his opponents, decimated Sally Miller??s face with a rocket-arm throw resembling a professional football quarterback??s pass, taken out the Carrel Brothers one-by-one, and won the final dodge ball game of the year. Last day of school, and according to the rules, the last one standing on the last day of the year was the supreme dodge ball player for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR!!
// Strong intro - Last day of school is repeated. Rather start from - According to the rules the last one standing...YEAR!
// "Was' is airy and perfect in its place. Nice work. You're in the past tense so it works.
He paused at the curb of the sidewalk ignoring the horn of a passing vehicle. Theodore turned to survey the playground one final time. Sally sat crying by the monkey bars,
//by the monkey bars. Okay, but describe the monkey bars to give the clause life:
The wrenched monkey bars, or the twisted monkey bars.
Sally cried beside the twisted monkey bars?
// delete her, replace with a , (too many possessives).
Sally cried beside the monkey bars, hands held to...
hands held to her smashed nose as blood poured down her face. The Carrel Brothers walked the opposite way
// with their - delete.
heads bowed in shame. The playground attendant, Mrs. Booths, scurried
// delete over
to Sally while shaking a finger and scolding Theodore.
// Ten other children whom had watched the final game watched Theodore in silence, and he wondered why they did not cheer him on as they had
//delete cheered on
the Carrel Brothers the previous (last) year, and Sally the year before that.
??Hell with you!? Theodore muttered
// delete while, replace with a comma.
,stepping into the street. ??I am the best!?
The truck
//delete ran Theodore over easily,
squishing (SQUISHED) his most vital organs beneath
//delete its
double-tires. The driver braked, (THE WET TYRES) slid over Theodore??s stomach sack,
//delete until the
rubber burnt (DELETE through) sinew, flesh and organ and took hold of the road. As the driver got out of his truck and ran back to Theodore, and as the ten children suddenly were no longer silent, the dimming light in Theodore??s eyes read the ironic slogan on the back of the truck: ??What profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul??
Theodore died muttering, ??I am the best?I am?I am??
I enjoyed this. It reminded me that we are here for a purpose and once that's been fulfilled, we're taken away. Circumstances differ. I bet their are many out there who can relate to Theodore feeling ontop of the world. You captured that sense quite remarkably.
Sorry if i seem harsh, my reviews probably sound like instructions, it's the only way i know. I suggest keep a copy of your original version and make the changes. If they don't work for you, go back to the original. If you do make the changes, who know, a whole new world might open up for you. I know it does for me.
Thanks for this piece, well structured. |
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Last day of school, and according to the rules, the last one standing //on the last day of the year// was the supreme dodge ball player for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR!!
//on the last day of the year// no need to repeat this.
Ten other children whom had watched the final game watched Theodore in silence, and he wondered why they did not cheer him on as they had cheered on the Carrel Brothers the previous year, and Sally the year before that.
//watched// repeated word in the above sentence. I think this sentence needs reworking.
He paused at the curb //of the sidewalk // ignoring the horn of a passing vehicle.
I think you next words indicate this quite well.
//squishing his most vital organs// work this part in after when you rite about the organs again.
Good story. |
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Comment by: - 2007-07-26 06:21
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| Powerful piece, John. I loved it. Have to agree with Greg though, about Galactic Sun. |
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| Its like a dark twist of the Karate Kid song. I'll give you props for this story. In the words of Joe Esposito: You're the Best, Around... Nothin's ever gonna keep ya down... "Sweep the leg, Johnny!" |
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