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Comment by: Willow - 2007-08-09 17:34
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| I agree with Robyn. Your initial stanza hooked me, but I got the sense you were, um, maybe "holding back something" in the 2nd and 3rd. I felt that solidified in the last four lines. They are emotionally laden and TELLING, but what...are they telling? That is the question. |
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| Fair enuf Robyn. I agree w/ the lang comment. As my mood mellows I'll prob choose a few diff words. Cheers. |
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i dig the premise, but i feel like in an effort to say something very specific, you were initally inspired by several very solid lines, but forced others in as a way of finalizing the piece. some of the language seems antiquated while others seem very contemporary. I don't know how to offer any advice on adjustments though, so i apologize for the blunt observation. i do really like the opening stanza though!!
robyn |
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| Thanks Jessica. This is more of a rant than most of my work. Just reflects a mood I guess. Cheers. |
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| Wow. Good observation ;). Very dark but so true... |
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"The Amazing Double-Life of Marcus Pivo"
When a Belarusian terrorist cell poisons a Ukrainian presidential candidate as a trial run for further mayhem Marcus Pivo, an EPA scientist uncovers a plot to influence the geopolitical future of central Europe.
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