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BlueSkelton
Blue Skelton
United States, Kansas, Lawrence

Words: 384
Access: Public
Comments: 10

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Mr. Tambourine Man

Sergeant Okumu was a Kenyan, who currently was waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in the air. It was almost tranquil in a psychotic kind of way. Still, I was beginning to have second thoughts about joining the legion.

'This is what we call a tambourine,' the sergeant said as he held the knife in his palm for the whole platoon to see. 'We have six different ways of throwing a tambourine.'

'It looks like a Goddamn knife to me,' Hicks said standing next to me. Hicks was a good ol' boy from Backwoods, Texas and his accent was almost as thick as the Kenyan's.

'Shut up,' I hissed. 'Or he will hear you.'

'All I am saying is that don't look much like a tambourine.'

'Cadet Hicks,' Okumu yelled.

Within the private confines of my mind, I looked down at the concrete and shook my head. In real life, my body was rigid and my eyes never left the horizon.

'Yes sergeant,' Hicks twanged.

'Do you think that you can teach this lesson better than I can?'

'Sir, no sir.'

'I think you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be running your trap now would you?'

'Sir, no sir.'

'Cadet Hicks.'

'Sir, yes sir.'

'How would you like to come forward and show the platoon how to throw a tambourine.'

'Sir?'

'You heard me. Get your maggot-eaten behind up here and show the platoon how to throw a tambourine.'

'Sir, yes sir.'

Hicks swaggered up to the sergeant and took the knife out of the sergeant's palm. The Texan hesitated a moment before throwing the knife. I am not sure if he knew quite what to make of the situation.

'Well throw the damn thing already you goddamn redneck. Show the platoon what you are made of.'

Hicks sized up the target, a dummy dressed in rebel camouflage, and raised the knife. As he did so, the knife flew backwards out of his hand and landed in my neck just about my left shoulder. Warm liquid began to spill out from my neck and a thousand tiny specks covered my eyes like static on a television set.

The last thing I remembered before passing out was Sergeant Okumu bashing his bamboo stick across Hicks kneecaps. And then my vision faded to black.

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Comments  
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-03-31 17:31
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Great little short here. You give us (readers) a good feel for the characters + the way it is written strings us along until were stuck looking at this guy with a knife in his neck! Definitely didn't see that coming, well done. On top of that, the dialogue feels spot-on and authentic, very crisp.

Had some trouble with: "Sergeant Okumu was a Kenyan(,) who currently was waving..." - that comma doesn't need to be there unless you make it 'Sergeant Okumu, a Kenyan, was currently...' - which would work too.

"Within the private confines of my mind, I looked down at the concrete and shook my head. In real life, my body was rigid and my eyes never left the horizon." - really liked this bit of internal action. As I read it, I mimed the activity and realized how many times I've had to do that in life. Again, very authentic.

"The Texan hesitated a moment (before throwing the knife). I am not sure if he knew quite what to make of the situation.

'Well throw the damn thing already you goddamn redneck." - the way this is written, it made me think Hicks throws the knife in the first part of that first sentence, so I tripped up a bit on the rest of it. If you were to eliminate 'before throwing the knife' and just left it at 'hesitated. I am not sure...' I think the reader would fill in the blanks and it would flow more smoothly.

Other n' that, this is a solid story. Fun to read and get caught up in and couldn't help but have a twisted lil smile on face at this guy's misfortune.

happy writings.
beheardnotscene Comment by: beheardnotscene - 2007-07-21 20:20
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Yeah bro, after reading Icy's comment I should add that our mutual homie "T" is a stickler about using 'was.' He stresses that one should show instead of tell. He told me to try going an entire paragraph without using 'was' and I have been doing it. It really makes things a little bit better. Gives it a more realistic in your face view. Anyways, rock on, talk to you on Mon.
BlueSkelton Comment by: BlueSkelton - 2007-07-21 18:24
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That's interesting actually Icy, I will have to take a look at that. Maybe keep it a little more active. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
icy Comment by: icy - 2007-07-21 17:13
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I really liked that. There's another writer on here who's counselled me long and hard about not using 'has', 'had' or 'was' in sentences. Now, I think what you've written is fine but if you try re-writing the sentences bearing that in mind, sometimes you get something really punchy. :-)
Ash19640 Comment by: Ash19640 - 2007-07-21 13:16
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Now it's clean as well as lean 'n mean - awesome! ;-) Ash
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