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MIRROR IMAGES
I saw myself today
In that sad little girl
Clutching her teddy
Tear tracks on her cheeks
I saw myself today
In that awkward young teen
Alone in the crowd
Mascara tracks under her eyes
I saw myself today
In that junkie on the corner
Begging for heaven
Needle tracks down her arms
I saw myself today
In the mirror; middle aged
Older, but much wiser
Laughter tracks on my face
Authors note:
I actually wanted to go further with this, but needed input on whether or not there is rhythm enough. I know where I wanted to be - but it got lost in the translation today.
I would appreciate input.
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| yes, it is fine as is. Maybe in years to come, there could be another stanza that'll come to you. Don't be afraid to adjust it in if the feeling is right |
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| I agree with not adding anything. I also loved the line about begging for heaven. Once again, another great piece and I am stuck with nothing to add, edit, change, or suggest. So I will leave you with the ever-taboo "I liked it" |
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| I agree with the previous readers. Add nothing. This for me is a far more telling and open piece than 'All the Way Down'. Maybe that's not how they felt to write, but this left me feeling both sad for the first three people and happy for the last. Very nice work. |
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Comment by: Debby6 - 2007-07-27 03:30
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This is a powerful piece and I really enjoyed it but you have a typo in laughter, you hit the y instead of t. As to adding more, If you want to add be
sure it fits the flow and movement of the piece. It is very good but maybe more would make it great. That is up to you. Very nicely done.
Debby |
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| I loved it and liked the rhythm. I don't think you need to add anything personally. But I also know the feeling of thinking it needs more. So maybe you should experiment if you feel you need to. |
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