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Athena
She was perfected, a fighting goddess crafted from the smoldering armor of Achilles and the insane bloodlust of Ares himself. As beautiful and supple as she was, no man would ever tame her. She lived only to kill. Her beauty was not wasted, however. Looking upon her face was the only mercy her victims would ever receive.
And if she did lower herself enough to take a man, she mounted him as if he were a beast and broke him like a stallion. And when she was finished, she cast him aside with his body broken, battered and violated. Even the mighty Okumu was afraid of her.
She was a relic of an ancient time, resurrected once more to bring malice and war upon the world.
The next thing I knew, she was inches away from my face. Her crazy eyes were burning holes into mine with their Cajun heat. I was near my breaking point, but I dared not look down. I had seen what happened to people who looked at the lieutenant's breasts. And right now her breasts were threatening to fly out of their camo-halter top and hit me in the face.
'Soldier,' she screamed, 'Were you daydreaming?'
'Sir, no Sir,' I replied. She preferred to be called sir for some reason or another. I just did what I was told.
'Then why weren't you paying attention soldier?'
'Sir, I was, Sir.'
'The hell you were soldier,' she screamed. I nearly broke from the intensity of her glare. 'You were thinking about my tits weren't you?'
'No maam.' I gulped.
Her jagged knee jutted upwards into my nuts and I crumbled to the deck. I heard the platoon chuckling in the background.
'Shut the fuckup or you're next.' She yelled out.
You could have heard a mouse fart it was so quiet. Then she leaned down and whispered in my ear.
'Come to my bunk tonight after lights out, I have a special punishment in mind for you.'
A single lock of her curly brown hair brushed up against my cheek as she pulled away. If the rumors were true, that would be last gentle thing that I felt from her.
'Company dismissed.' She yelled and spun on her heels with precision. Then she spun on her heals with military precision and stormed off, her giant-green tits leading the way.
'What the hell have you gotten yourself into now,' Hicks asked as he helped me to my feet.'
'I'm not sure,' I said rubbing my crotch.
'Well I'm pretty sure of one thang,' He said with a drall.
'What's that?'
'It shure looks like you'll be visiting the infirmary again soon.'
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| Thank Teri and everyone else who commented. I am intending on editing (whenI can find the time) this piece and all your input has been great. I did overdue it on the action tags but I do believe that they occasionally serve a purpose. The Zeus idea is great, I ll try and create some way of tossing that it in there. |
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Comment by: Teri - 2007-08-20 15:16
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Haha. I had no idea what this was at first, and bam - there we are. Love that effect.
Since the reference to Athena and the references to the god Ares and the warrior Archilles are in the beginning, I'd strengthen it a little more by referencing her springing from the head of her father: Zeus. Just a suggestion.
Love the dialect at the end. Not too much, very well-done and -placed. However, if you're going to take Tim's suggestion of the speech tag, it's spelled 'drawled'.
Some punctuation things should be fixed:
"No, ma'am.? I gulped.
Nothing a good proofread won't fix.
Nothing wrong with using 'then' as long as you make sure it's placed well and not done more than once. It helps break up the noun/verb construction that makes for a very boring, droning read.
'rubbing my crotch' is not a complete sentence, although you do need a comma after 'said'. - I said, rubbing my crotch.
In the usage within your story, 'fuck up' are two separate words.
Try to avoid use of the word 'felt' completely. Editors prefer you use passive voice rather than using 'felt'.
One thing Tim is correct about is the overuse of speech tags, i.e. he said, I replied, she said. Your writing is clear enough. We know who's talking and when.
Great story that made me chuckle and grin. Just remember: this is your story, and no one should tell you how to write it. Thanks for sharing it, and I hope something here helps..
Teri |
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| Thanks for the comments everybody. Sorry I haven't been around as much. I was able to get back into school this semester and it has been incredibly busy. I will be fixing this piece up soon hopefully. |
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This was definitely humorous to read....the description of this woman was done really well, however I think the transition between the description and the dialog was a bit rough.
??What the hell have you gotten yourself into now,? Hicks asked (as) he helped me to my feet.?: The quotation marks need to be taken off of the end of this sentence because no one is speaking at this point.
The best part of this piece was the description of this woman, I was imagining some ninja from an anime movie that literally broke men, haha, but maybe that is only because I watched a movie called ninja scroll earlier today. Good work! |
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| Heck yeah he does. I owe him big. I've run out of time this weekend to fix it but still that helped a bunch. |
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