[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
its really descriptive: i can picture everything that you talk about. Its really great. Be careful with verb tenses though.
Awsome job |
|
|
its really descriptive: i can picture everything that you talk about. Its really great. Be careful with verb tenses though.
Awsome job |
|
|
I'd cut some adjectives and let the things do the work themselves. 'soul' is probably the greatest poetic cliche there is. I'd cut the last line right off as the previous lines do an admirable job, and you don't need that big statement about 'destiny'. The important thing is achieved by the picture you paint, not your commentary - leave that to the reader.
milner |
|
|
There is good imagery here; I can picture the beach perfectly. There is a tense change after the first two lines: "I looked into your eyes and saw the night twinkle in your soul
A world hidden behind those windows
Take your hair in my hands " first two lines are past tense; then with third we go into present tense. Nice job. |
| 1 |
