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a little history of time
light ebbs along
the littoral of dark
night's forest
with its heinous silences
and shrieks
is where
adventure plays a harp
and all its airs
seduce the dreamers
with erotic scents
the wolves
pad on dead leaves
a deer
consults the moon
the gemini
reflected
in a fox's eye
a comet
burns the sky
already
light is flooding
on the shore
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| I like the images. But this is not, I think, as good as other poems of yours. I felt it was in the wording somehow jarring here and there, reminding me I was reading poem rather than glimpsing the world of Einstein through the eyes of dream. |
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Thanks, Sophia and Federica.
Lauren, I'll give those points some thought after I've got through a busy day tomorrow. Very helpful.
milner |
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Comment by: - 2007-07-24 13:06
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incredibly beautiful piece, m. thanks for sharing as always. critique for feedback is mild on this one- the rhyme pattern of gemini/eye/sky is noticeable and again, one of those rhymes where it feels unintentional because the form is vague. i didn't want to be taken out of the "forest" and the rhyme sort of forced me into that sing-song cadence unwillingly.
i love "the wolves/pad on..." because it's the perfect noun for a verb and creates the right amount of quietude. title, perfect. verse two line four, "is where" reads a little sticky but i think if you wanted to change the punctuation in revisions, you could lose "is" and the impact might be a little subtler.
really nitpicky stuff because overall this is top-shelf writing. |
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| Yes, a lovely opening and the whole poem like an oil canvas captures imagination and senses. |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2007-07-24 05:03
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| You're so good at describing things in a way that makes the visible to the reader. All the little details in this fit together perfectly to make the whole. The opening is really lovely, the light just crawling at the edges. |
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