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colindardis
Colin Dardis
United Kingdom, Country Antrim, Belfast

Words: 251
Access: Public
Comments: 8

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Today you will discover a fire...

'¦and you will not know
Whether to put it out
Or put it in your heart
And encourage the flame to grow.

The fire will be burning
At the bedsheets of your sister,
At the apron strings of mother,
Father's newspaper,
Brother's bicycle,
Friend's shot of whiskey left hanging on the pub table
While he takes a leak,
Your boss's annual report
And how well you've done
In light of the month's key performance indicators.

The fire will be everywhere:
Engulfing your poems,
Your art,
Eating at your words
Until all you sputter is smoke,
Choking out big black clouds;
Big black clouds;
The clouds are going to come down and surround you
And their rain will not be released
In order to ease your flame
Their rain is to be held
In the tears of ordinary civilians that you cannot touch,
Cannot feel or even see,
But damn you know they are out there
Because you can sense the heat of their fire
And your skin dries out from their sensations.

Your nasal hairs twitch to their sweat
And suddenly the heart floods with understanding:
To think that once, you were blind
And now guided by the light of this torch
You see how the world burns
And the only choice you will have left
Is whether to help save our souls
Or let the whole emetic existence
Go up go up go up
Go down in the thick, black leathery smoke of Hell.

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Comments  
Dante Comment by: Dante - 2008-02-03 07:30
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I am so glad that I stumbled upon this poem this morning. What a great read to start the day.

I particularly like how you start this piece - how we are presented with a choice to make. That sat with me throughout the read.

My only suggestion is to maybe give thought to allowing, "Go down in the thick, black leathery smoke of Hell." stand alone, as a solitary sentence. It could possibly intensify this, already powerful, statement.

Thanks for the great read, D.
annmarie Comment by: annmarie - 2007-08-14 06:24
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i particularly liked

Their rain is to be held
In the tears of ordinary civilians that you cannot touch,


Your nasal hairs twitch to their sweat
Violet Blue Comment by: Violet Blue - 2007-07-27 16:39
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Hi Colin.

I really liked this and imagined you reading this live.
A couple of possible revisions for me. In the first stanza, why repeat "put" twice? Why not make the third line "place it in your heart"?

In the second stanza, why not cut two lines into one to make it: "Mother's apron strings and father's newspaper". And then: "Your brother's brand new bicycle" (he is burning with jealousy). Just a thought, I know. Should the next line be "A friend's shot of whiskey"?

The third and fourth stanzas are excellent, building to the crescendo of an inferno. One slight quibble. Should this line be: "Is whether to help save their souls"? I say this because it's seen from the distance of a third party narrator, looking overhead like a god and never getting involved.

"Emetic existence". What a great phrase. Puking up the history of yourself and reading your future like a gypsy bullshitting you with the symbolism of spewed out tea leaves ...

Paul :D
Comment by: - 2007-07-24 20:10
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This is wonderful Colin. I don't think it needs revision because I like your voice to sound like it's speaking for the first time as you are observing.
I also like you're point of view and how it is detached and contemplative.
It could be a little more spiritual but I know it's hard to speak of God without feeling self-conscious. Screw it! Speak more in the last
paragraph about your epiphany. Oh yeah and try to avoid using the word "your" because it's too personal to the reader. Or, don't listen to me and it's still great.
Comment by: - 2007-07-24 14:19
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i was really feeling this poem until the last verse- which was surprising for me because usually poems of address are hard to build rapport around. i think it works fantastically well here, however. you could definitely lose the ellipses in the intro though; they're almost syntactically distracting.

the last verse starts to globalize the experience, whereas the rest of the poem is really focused internally. i'm not sure why the trajectory changed from internal to external but suddenly the addressee has the responsibility of saving "us" and the metaphor is almost too broad. the up in smoke imagery works fantastically but i just keep getting stuck on the familiar phrases and ambiguous "globalization" -

this piece has real power and i would totally encourage revisions. i would love to read this again and again. thanks so much for sharing this poem.
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