Murtle the Turtle

“Bless you, Murtle,” said Frederick the chimp. Murtle had been sneezing all day and was growing tired of it. In fact, she’d been sneezing for almost a hundred years. Murtle was 98 and began sneezing shortly after hatching. She stumbled into the ocean, a sweet turtle babe, only to realize that she was allergic to salt. By the time she got out of the ocean the effects of the allergy were permanent. She moved to a Peruvian jungle, where salt was scarce, and found a nice home in a spring. She made good friends with several illustrious jungle figures, such as Frederick the chimp, Johnny the alligator, and Rich the macaw.
She had tried everything. She had her nostrils purged, she had a nose job, she even allowed Tyson the gorilla to punch her in the face. Nothing could rid her of the sneezing. Just as she was sure the sneezing was gone, another sneeze assured her they were still there. Needless to say, her friends were tired of saying “Bless you” all the time, but since Murtle was such a good friend, they devoutly said it every sneeze. She was grateful for their patience.
One day, on her 99th birthday, she noticed a gold spot upon her head. It wasn’t on top of her head, but rather floating. It was as if a small light bulb were above her, like she always had a good idea. She sneezed later that day and Johnny the alligator blessed her. When he said this, the golden ball got a little brighter and a little larger. After a few more days of “bless you’s,” it became highly apparent that the gold ball was indeed a halo, and it had by now grown into a large ring. Very soon, the ring’s circumference encircled Murtle’s entire head. All of the jungle animals praised Murtle and her shiny halo, and everywhere she went was a little brighter. The animals would see the golden shine and know that the great Murtle the turtle was around.
One night, Murtle had a dream that a turtle angel was floating above her bead. He had a halo of brighter gold than she could imagine. His shell was sparkly and alabaster; it looked to be covered in glitter. His eyes were kind and welcoming, and Murtle found him to be the most beautiful turtle she had ever seen.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” said Murtle.
“You’ve… how do I say this? You’ve become an angel?”
“I have?” Murtle asked, surprised.
“Well, you have a halo.”
“I know,” she said, “I don’t know how it got there.”
“Well, I do,” he returned, “you sneeze a lot.”
“I know.”
“Well, since you sneeze so much, you get blessed a lot, too.”
“I don’t follow,” said Murtle, who was beginning to understand.
“Well,” the angel continued, “you’ve been blessed so much that you’ve become holy. Don’t you see? You’ve been being blessed for almost a hundred years. That has to count for something! Sneezing has turned you to sainthood!”
“How lovely,” said Murtle.
“Lovely for you, bad for us!” the angel yelled. “Angels aren’t supposed to be angels on technicalities! We’re supposed to do virtuous things! I donated four billion dollars to Africa before I became an angel. What did you do?”
“I sneezed.”
“Exactly! So I hope you know that we real angels don’t like you.”
“Why Africa, anyway?”
“Oh, they have a lot of problems over there. But that’s besides the point! You’re a dirty, conniving nuisance, and I’m tired of your machinations!”
“I’m sorry to be a bother, but-
And he was gone.

So, Murtle tried her very best to earn her halo. All around she was doing saintly things, like joining the Peace Corp and helping Frederick the chimp move his stuff to a new tree he had just bought.
During Frederick’s move, Murtle was trying to get a particularly heavy box up the stairs when she sneezed. The force of the sneeze made her drop the box, which went hurtling downward and eventually fell on Frederick, crushing the life out of him. “Oh dear,” she said.
Her next feat of niceness involved Johnny the alligator. Johnny was on an expedition in the jungle and he needed a photographer to take pictures of him in nature. Johnny trusted Murtle because she was a fellow reptile, so she went on to help her friend. Johnny was posing for a picture in which he stood at the top of a cliff and gave the thumbs-up sign. He wanted the camera’s view to be close to him and the cliff, and the camera didn’t have a zoom, so Murtle had to get really close to Johnny as he stood on the cliff’s edge.
Murtle was just about to take the picture when she sneezed, and the force of the sneeze caused Johnny to fall backwards and to his death at the bottom of the cliff. “Oh dear,” Murtle said.
Rich the Macaw, after hearing of the deaths of his two friends, went into a medically dangerous state. The doctors claimed the smallest shock to him would cause a heart attack. Murtle decided it would be nice and saintly of her to visit him in the hospital. Rich was ecstatic to see her, not knowing the true cause of his friend’s deaths.
He sat up in his hospital bed and pushed aside his hospital food, which consisted of red jello, smoked salmon, and a packet of fake sugar. Murtle gave him a hug, sat down, and began speaking with the ailing macaw. Before she knew it, she was overcome with the urge to sneeze. The frightful noise nearly burst Rich’s little heart, and he put a wing over his torso and keeled over, dead. “Oh dear,” said Murtle.
Murtle went to bed after her long and eventful day. She pondered the fates of her three good friends for a while and eventually fell asleep. That night, she had a dream of the same turtle angel from before. He was beside himself with anger.
“Murtle, I’m revoking your sainthood. In fact,” he went on, “I’m going to go ahead and send you to hell a bit early.”
So there she was, burning away in a fiery pit. Normally, the demons there would throw sinners into a giant pot and turn them into soup, but Murtle came with her own pot, so they filled her shell with boiling water until she was good to eat.

So, it goes to show that saints should never be trusted, especially if they tell you to do good things.

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