Dear Richard,

Where do you get off?

Me and my family are devout members of the Mormon faith. We have so much trouble dealing with the media and all the negative press about plural marriage. I know you have a problem with me marrying my 18-year-old niece, but you should know something.

We think that your life is sickening. You spend most of your days jacking off to Japanese porn and playing endless games on Battlefield 2 when you should be writing. Furthermore, you've never had a meaningful romantic relationship with any person of the opposite sex. My sources in the Mormon Ninja League have even reported that you have been having impure thoughts about one of your bosses who happens to be in her forties. Are you that stricken for love? How pathetic!

The most distressing thing about you is this utter desire to express every-single blasphemy you can imagine. It began innocently enough, a curiosity with the philosophies of Nietzsche and Anton Lavey. Then it escalated, as you began to read Harry Potter, a story wrought from the Devil's teat! And now, you listen to the foul and impure works of Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, King Diamond and even Slayer. You have especially shown an almost unhealthy obsession Slayer's 'Skeleton Christ'�.

As any true theologian can tell you, Christ was not a skeleton!

But what upsets me the most is what you did last week. We were gathered in the compound for a lovely prayer meeting when you ran into the meeting hall, stark naked, screaming something about the dogs not having their mittens (I do not recall what you said, I was not paying attention).

So be on the lookout, because we've just signed an edict that expresses our extreme dislike of you. You are now banned from plural marriage forever. Good-bye!

With utter contempt,

Wallace Wyatt.

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