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loving is hoping
Keri Barrett
United States, Montana, Bozeman

Words: 96
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Your slowly killing your self

This is a battle
in which people die.
and she's been called
to the very first line.

she look in the mirror
wishing to see,
anything, and anybody but her body.

tears in her eyes.
she's growing weak.
choking on the Acid
that burns in her throat,
now she's coughing up blood.

And for what...
just to be another clone?

She tired of expectations,
of judgments for how she looks.

she longs to be pretty.
she wants to find love.
she needs some one to care.


Skinny...
is where she wish she was

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Comments  
nlinde Comment by: nlinde - 2007-07-26 19:49
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DONT TELL!! Poeetry isn't supposed to tell, it's supposed to just be. I liked the poem a lot better before I knew what it was about. The opening of this poem seems dire, the rest of it seems not as urgent.
nl
finolala Comment by: finolala - 2007-07-26 18:13
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There's strong emotion here and the theme of the poem and the ideas formed have the potential to be excellent.
The first 2 lines are excellent, strong compelling. But after that it gets a little messy (though I realise this is probably a first draft)
I would suggest, if you are going to rhyme, tidy up your rhyming patterns.
Same deal with punctuation. If you are going to use sentences, capitalize at the beginning of them- it just makes it so much easier to read.
Also, the line "The Acid burns my throat,
now I'm coughing up blood." I didn't understand the context until I read your comment.
If I were writing a poem of this kind I wouldn't use first person. It's just in my mind, when you write things like that using "I" it can sound (even when not intended) like a 'pity me' poem, even though I know this isn't. I'd concentrate on finding a striking image to hook the reader. Keep writing, you have potential. :)
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By loving is hoping

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