HELGA BLOWS!


Helga, though still many miles out to sea, made it clear to the entire southeastern coast of Florida; she Was COMING!!

Helga the Hurricane from Hell© (patent pending = Reuters) was packing winds up to 230 miles an hour . She was Huge! It seemed to meteorologists that she might tow along a couple of angry friends met on her ocean travels, Ivan and Jerry. Luckily the sheer mass had slowed her progress.

Which is the only excuse Mrs.Teitlebaum, Mrs. Leticia Teitlebaum, had for not being prepared.

But who knew like she knew, after living down here for 29 almost 30 years now, how to predict the crazy Florida weather.

"She's a big fatty! Moving slow...don't worry, we have puh-lenty of time.'�

Everyone else in all of Florida was getting ready, because as everybody knows from TV: hurricanes are totally unpredictable. 'Cannot be forecast with accuracy in advance', '...these expectations, it must be stressed, are theoretical and can change at any time.

So every radio, every television channel, cable or satellite was broadcasting hurricane predictions - 24 hours a day.

Over tired and weathered weather personalities had been going for a week solid - just, predicting Helga's unpredictability.

Now most people down there had been through a monster storm or two but still, to hear the stories, Helga was a humongous something else again.

Add the other storm systems traveling along on the Atlantic and the movie The Perfect Storm came to mind. Even George Clooney, so handsome and sea worthy as to seem immortal, died.

All anyone did was throw bits of second hand storm data around. It was an understandably nervous response to this uncontrollable unpredictable force.

Of course, everyone has their style of dealing with fear, and Leticia's style was, well, stylish. For a 'little old lady' she displayed no fear at all. The only concession to nerves was her continuous repetition of one command; 'Don't let the cat out!'

The very number of times she called this to one or the other granddaughter had them in hysterics. No matter how the elder, Mackzine, reasoned with Gram that the last thing they would do to little Kitty Galore is let her out in that mess, with wind gusts already strong enough to carry her into a tree.

The wind was blowing and distant thunder rumbled in the background.

Babs had created a mind movie of KG (as she called Kitty Galore) sailing up and around the house in a casual pose. Passing by the upper back window over and over again in a different pose every time. Sometimes she waved. As she described the scenario to the cat, she acted out looking out the window calling, 'Hi Kitty! Bye Kitty!'� The cat actually did want to go out.


Mackzine was also dreaming of personification. Only it involved the storm, the angry H. and geography. Hers was a scenario much like a Big Girls' Fight Club and Spa in the sky.

Big saltwater lake calls bigger storm mass in watery commiseration for a healthy travel stopover after crossing the Atlantic. 'Come northwest dear and have a rest at my place. You'll relax, you'll grow, we'll talk - that's the way to go.'

'Lake Okeechobee is the only large water mass within Florida where Helga can grow again. She'll head there.'� Max spoke in absolutes - very comforting to her sister and grandmother just now, added to the fact that they were well south of that route

'Okay, okay. Max? Maxine Pearl, what are you dreaming about? Throw down a card or excuse yourself from the game. Thankew!" Lee, the stylish grandma with whom the two sisters lived was alot of things, but boring she wasn't.

Downstairs, the doorbell played its tune, Swanee River. An old joke between her and her estranged. The idiot with a 32 year old gold digger. Let them both rot. She had the house.

"No cheating. Babby! I'm not kidding around."
"I won't Grandmother!"

The teenager emphasized the 'grand' in grandmother with a heavy tonsil. Babby, or Barbara was the younger of her grandchildren.

After looking through the loosely woven greige linen drapes down at the street, Leticia, or Lee, as she preferred to be known, threw her head back and pronounced

"Gloriosky! It's my new WendMark piece, I'll bet you anything! Oh, the catty kits are here for me. So elegant, and so chi-chi!", still sing songing, "I'm Cahhh-ming!" And floated downstairs as if the wind weren't howling through every plank of wood in the impressive but old, land marked but lopsided 2-storey house.

"Oh my gawd, It's like she thinks they're like valuable or something," from little sister Babs. It was a lifelong contest for 'most-jaded' with these two. "Oh Gram, Gram, Gram."

"We'll see what you think when I'm dead and they're collectibles! All right, I saw that Babs sweetheart. I'm taking my hand down with me."

"Fine," as Babbs' voice takes a dive, "you old bat!". Her sister wouldn't meet her conspiratorial smile.

From out of the big brown truck jumped Rob, with a quick soft landing on the sidewalk. Soft, considering his considerable size. Robert Morrow had a goal in mind all day, and this close to it, he wasn't wasting any time. He wanted to get the damn Brown Truck back to the store, as they all called the UPS headquarters, and get home.

His place was all ready for the hurricane, and that had nothing to do with the storm shutters and plywood covering all glass on the duplex. He had all the "House on Elm Street' movies, and two "Matrix" movies ready by the DVD Player. He'd stocked up the house with Hoffman grape soda, beer and burritos.

He was only waiting to hear the announcement from UPS, and he knew it was coming. Not long now. All Deliveries Cancelled Until Further Notice.

Words sweeter than his mama's when he was a boy. He waited all year for storms to come and this was actually hurricane season. From out of the sky, all the way from the West African coast, could come a paid vacation, and often did. And this Helga, she promised to be colossal. Not from hell but from heaven. But he still had six stops to go.

Christmas was an endless nightmare for shipping service people. In the southeast of the US, September was where their Christmas usually lay. And this one, with 2 others that could take the same path, just 'heaven on a stick'. That was what his ups (pronounced like the opposite of 'downs' for those in the know) pal George always said.

~

The thirty towering palms lining the street were identical sisters; bent to the fierce wind as if blow drying their hair-dos all in the same direction. They were primping for the big storm. The loud hum of the previous days was growing to a whistling whine. The skies darkened and the house began to groan and creak - The Teitlebaum house, taller than any of the ranch style one-storey houses on the block. This house alone was circled by the furious wind, winding around and around. Lee answered the door and took secret notice of the weather. She noticed and her predictions were way off.
A little plan began life in her head, which brightened her eyes as she instantly sized up Rob the 'ups' guy.
"A lifesaver! That's what you are," she said, still half hidden by the massive door. She was a small woman with a big personality.

"Glad to know it was an important delivery. Just sign here. Lucky I got here at all. Looks like the storm's moved up her schedule. Probably won't be any more deliveries in a half hour," Rob said and fervently hoped. "You're lucky you got this medicine at all m'am."

"Medicine? Oh what, the package? Okay, here?" She handed back his pen and took the small parcel. "What is it?" She frisbee'd it over to a striped love seat. "No, I'm just noticing what a big strong man you are - and handsome if I may add. You could do such a service for an old lady living alone. It could be life and death", she added this finally really noticing the intensifying weather.

"If things keep moving like this, they could close the roads soon. I've got more stops to make M'am and..."

"Lee, please. All I need is some plywood, it's in the shed right around back...I'll pay you, of course I'll pay you whatever you say for your trouble. "Please" she says looking up into his eyes earnestly, "I'd never ask but...just a storm shutter or two. "
Rob was moving his mouth, as if to oil the hinges that'd just rusted in the face of this tiny force asking him to risk messing up his cherished storm plan.

"My son-in-law, my ex-son-in-law, my late ex-son-in-law always did it for me but...well, he died recently...so sad. I'll pay you well. And I have every sort of refreshment in the house."

From upstairs came a wail, "Leticia, are you inviting a stranger into the house again?" Babs the baby. She peeked downstairs from over the stair rail, stretching to see who her grandmother was talking to. But Lee was having trouble keeping the door open at all, and Rob, the UPS professional had all he could do to keep the papers on his clipboard from tearing off in the shrieking wind.

"Lady, this house has to have 30, 40 windows, and I just know you have sliding glass doors in back. It's a two, three hour job, putting plywood on all of that! At UPS we're more dedicated than the US Mail. Not to mention...'

But taking his hand as she handed back his pen, in what started to seem like a super human feat, the 4' 11" lady pulled a 6'2" 260 stranger into her front hallway."

"You're a doll, really you are...Rob?" She squinted on tip toe at the embroidered name on his big button down brown cotton chest. " On your appointed rounds through sleet and snow and while the winds blow',

"Please lady, I gotta go. This old house is built to last. It bends with the wind. You'll be fine, you'll see..."

And then an appearance in the hallway struggle by a 24 year old woman, the likes of which Rob had only seen in the recent "Charlie's Angels" movies. And popping from behind her, another stone fox, had to be 19, 20. An old woman alone?

"Hi girls. My granddaughters, if you can believe I have granddaughters. Quiet you two. This is Rob and he's going to help us thank god, with the storm shutters."
"Shutters? Why'nt you say so m'am? You said plywood! Let me just tighten up a few rooms where you'll all be safe. It won't take 15 minutes. But I've really got to hurry before I'm reported MIA."

"Just radio from the truck. I'll get you an umbrella...no I guess not. "

Then Maxine piped up with,
"This hurricane has arrived people. Omygahd, let's get in the storm cellar Gram. Please? Like now?"

Rob said, "Storm cell..." but got cut off by little Lee Teitlebaum.

"My darlings, everyone come sit down a minute." Herding them into her living room she said, "Let an old Seminole Indian lady from New York tell you about hurricanes. As bad as this seems right now, in 10 minutes it'll be clearing and quieting down. This is called a weather band..."

As Mrs. T. pronounced the last two words as if to second graders there was a crash of glass upstairs...and two youngish female hands shot out to grab her arm.

"Gram!"
"Calm down. Just wait a little you'll see, where is he, where are you going Rob?"

"I need heavy tape. Please let's just secure a room and we'll see how it goes. I've got to run to the truck, radio into... "

"Rob, can I introduce my 2 beautiful... Be careful will you Rob? You know, I have antiques!"

*
He wasn't going for his two-way radio. He figured he'd just get out of there right now and get his normal life moving forward again. Toward his carefully constructed comfort aven at home.

Especially when he noticed the storm shutters on the front of the send floor. No guilt at all!

But on that skip to the brown truck, upon getting out the door and into a major meteorological event Rob had what he'd always remember as a pinnacle moment in his life. The kind that reminds you that you're alive.

The more-powerful-than-anything strength of the wind, the gusts coming slow and rhythmically was great...but required very clear thought. Yet, he could see way off in the flat terrain, perfectly clear skies.

That's what Lee had, Mrs. Teitlebaum had said. It was a band; only an entertainment, an adventure ride like the haunted mansions ride by So Much More Real. The power to destroy was the characteristic that made him wish for the amusment park ride.
All human construction of a 'civilized' world was a joke in the face of this force of nature. If it was a just a weather band, a far flung piece of an awesome and destructive force - great! What a nice slap on the cheek in the form of this weather preview after he'd just escaped from another dimension or something.

A situation comedy or dream, he didn't know, but it was very clarifying entering the real world again. Rob had relived the past 18 minutes in 17 seconds..

He reached his truck, all in a hurry, not sure why anymore and stopped to look back at the place - just another delivery after all.

Rob's pause, his break for station identification caused two important events in an instant.
1) The upper floor of the house was closed up with storm shutters, at least from the front and,
2) he really liked one or both of those granddaughters, and that's something ever more important for the years and years it'd been since he noticed feeling that way.

It was both terrifying and exciting! Like part of the storm. He knew about the negative ions storms brought, and the good effect on people they have.

Guy in Big Brown colors walked back up the path and touched his pointing finger to the doorbell. It made a sputter, a sizzling dying sound as all lights on the street, traffic lights, the lights in the upper windows went out. Rob felt responsible for a moment until he shook his 'only male around' personna back on. A strong male at that. So he pounded on the door.

'Don't let the cat out!'� Came the hilarious reply from inside. Why couldn't they put this cat in a closed room?

Waiting at the door in driving rain and wind now, he felt stupid for doing so when he'd just left the door open. Habits. Grabbing the elaborate bronze door handle, he looked up at windows, shuttered on the room they'd be safe in and glanced at the lively turbulent charcoal sky. He'd lost his mind or he was dreaming.

No, Rob really saw the Mary Poppins figure, no umbrella, but just as calm. The tiny, chic Leticia Teitlebaum rising into the sky, smiling up, but waving down. She couldn't wait to get...up there.

He thought he heard her call, 'Don't let the cat out!'�

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