Stripped Years
This time, like spent fireplace ash
and unnatural as rain beams
through sun storms,
comes slow-wasted
from winding watch too tight
and forgetting to grease gears
meant for moving forward.
Slow-danced across second hands,
the days crept by in silky filament
waiting for the Fury to snip
with scissors meant for endings,
spending time picking grit
and bitter from tainted palette
since soured by the sound
of riotous lust making
and protests built on mud foundations
when hesitation left her mark
on the lighter part of wrist
where my time piece used to sit.
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I like the use of language, but couldn't help feeling an article here or there would improve the overall readability. Like Mick, I find the idea in "winding watch too tight" enjoyable, but I miss the sense that a simple "a" or "the" could add. I get that cutting out extraneous articles helps create tension in the poem, and I'm not suggesting to do away with the compact feel. I think a better balance can be struck, though, between compactness and readability.
I also found the tense change a little strange.
"meant for moving forward" could be cut, as it doesn't add to the poem, and the idea of forward motion is inherent in a watch.
"slow-danced across second hands" is beautiful. Nice use of alliteration, assonance, and the near-rhyme in "danced" and "hands." Every word in that line contains an "s."
"with scissors meant for endings" ought to be done away with too. An ending is pretty clear in "snip," and it makes scissors redundant. "Snip" is a strong word choice. Let it do its work.
I have trouble picturing a protest, much less "riotous lust making," taking place on a mud foundation. The poem begins abstract, and does a great job of staying abstract, but delivering in concrete terms. The mud foundations take away from that great work, as they are a bit cliche, and not at all as precise as the rest of the poem. For that matter, how does a sound "sour" a palette? This would be a very interesting idea, if explored, but here it is quickly glossed over. I think everything between "snip" and "foundations" can go, or needs to be re-worked to match the high quality of the rest. Do consider what is gained by cutting out the distraction: "Slow-danced across second hands, / the days crept (cut "by") in silky filament / waiting for the Fury to snip. / (cut "when" ?) [H]esitation left her mark / on the lighter part of wrist / where my time piece used to sit."
Thanks! This was quite a pleasure to read. |
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Comment by: - 2007-07-29 00:52
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Wow... this is good... from winding watch too tight to where my time piece used to sit.
But the prequel to this is much more sublime and in need of special mention.... Love it.... really cool.
:).... mick |
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