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At the Courthouse
I stood nervously outside the courthouse.
A whiff of boiled hot dogs made me yearn
for mustard, slaw, dill pickle, and chips
as the vendor asked a woman, "What kind of soda, Ma'am?"
A man set his briefcase on the sidewalk
to operate the newspaper machine.
The smell of new ink breezed,
evaporated into the ozone like all headlines.
Entered the courthouse through a rotating
glass and steel door with freshly oiled hinge-pin smell,
reminding me of my Dad's tool shop.
A sign at my feet said, "Caution: Wet Floor" (ammonia).
Closed my eyes for a moment to savor
the sublime citrus flower perfume on
the lady cop at the metal detector
and proceeded to courtroom B to receive my sentence.
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| Yes, you make a lot of sense. I have taken most of your suggestions and I'm still considering the rest. Thanks. |
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Comment by: Lindy - 2007-09-08 19:39
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Bill...
I like the opening with "I" only at the beginning. The poem kinda rolls along from the tongue so to say from "I" the first person perspective, and reads like a visual piece as if I am looking through your eyes on your journey to the court. Sorta like a inner body experience for the reader. Think about this, would you the observer of these people and situations say subconsciously "I entered, I smelled, I saw," etc as you visually take all of this internally and process as such (e.g., "I...")?
As far as the word choice "this" it's cool. If this makes any sense, for me the man with the brief case is sorta a sudden glance along caught, not "a" or "the man" but a particular man who set his brief case...as in "this man..." Then why has this man caught your attention that you have included him? I think that was my reason for the suggestion as I read along. Sorta like a personal, "you're in my eye space" as I journey on to court. Hope I made sense.
A good, strong poem. |
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Thanks, Lindy. Good suggestions, especially about the title. Also, I'm wondering, instead of saying "I nervously stood outside the courthouse," if maybe I should say "Nervously standing outside the courthouse."
I'm not sure about "This man set his briefcase on the sidewalk" - using "this" sounds (to me) like a colloquialism (not sure if that's the term I'm looking for). But overall, your ideas are great!
- Bill |
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Comment by: Lindy - 2007-09-08 06:20
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Hey Bill, I really like this poem. It grabbed me from the start. I like the small vignettes , they are tightly woven within their own stanza, but yet they spill over into the next observation of the first person telling...and it works equally for the reader. I got that!
There are a few small things I would consider changing to make this an even powerful read. You take your readers through your eyes as you tell your "escapade" venture to the court, oy-veh, the court...indeed your poem in this case, lives up to your bio, show-don't-tell"...here are my small comments for revision which pertains to tense and word choice...
To begin with, you tell a story though it is in the form of a poem. I would eliminate the use of "I" or extra words in multiple places and leave "I" only at the beginning like so...(See my last comment)...here goes...
Oh, I changed some words and underlined them in my MS draft. They didn't carry over here, but read through and you'll see the changes...
Here goes...
I nervously stood outside the courthouse.
A whiff of boiled hot dogs made me yearn
for mustard, slaw, dill pickle, and chips (+++ I just love this line and how you delivered it)
as the vendor asked the woman, "What kind of soda, Ma'am?"
This man set his briefcase on the sidewalk
to operate the newspaper machine.
The smell of new ink breezed,
evaporated into the ozone like all headlines. (+++ Love this line too -- fresh!)
Entered the courthouse through a rotating
glass and steel door, freshly oiled hinged-pin smell,
Reminded me of my Dad's tool shop.
A sign at my feet read, "Caution: Wet Floor" (ammonia).
Closed my eyes for a moment to savor
the sublime citrus flower smell on
a lady cop at the metal detector
and proceeded to courtroom B to receive my sentence.
The amazing thing is you did what I had suggested in your last stanza when you began the line with "Closed." There was no need to add more words, but to just get to the heart of the vision. Your readers knew this was in reference to the first person as in "I closed my eyes..."
Last, I gotta thing about titles. Perhaps, something like "My date with Lady Justice" or something fresh. It will come to you.
I really like this poem. |
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