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markbrown
mark brown
United Kingdom, London

Words: 200
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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Kitsune

Dad's been lying to Mum about taking his medication. He winks at me slyly whenever she checks.

It's our secret.

Sometimes, he wakes me when she's sleeping. Giggling behind our hands, we sneak down to the garage in our pyjamas. It's good to see him laugh.

In the darkness, nothing seems strange. Driving, we're adventurers, country lanes are the black nothingness of space, or the bottom of an inky sea, moths and flies shooting past like luminescent fish.

As we hit it, car rocking, the fox in the road is a solid shard of light, a spirit suddenly erased.

Dad swears, reversing.

In the headlamps, the fox is a crushed chocolate mouse leaking sticky fondant, a split toy spilling red stuffing.

Kneeling on the muddy verge, Dad lifts its head, hands a gentle cradle. Shaking, he closes its eyes, brushes its long snout.

"Touch it Kate."

I feel sick. The pelt is smooth and cold.

"It's dying Dad." In the cold light, Dad begins to cry. "It's hopeless."

Putting my hand on his shoulder, he pushes his head into my hip.

"Oh Kate, oh Kate, oh Kate," he moans.

"It's not your fault," I say.

But I know it is.

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Comments  
markbrown Comment by: markbrown - 2007-08-10 09:36
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Digby,

slyly was a half-arsed attempted at 'sly fox'.

Kitsune (as far as I understand) is a fox spirit, which is commonly involved in leading people from the straight and narrow, especially at night. They're tricksters. I was trying to draw a link between that and mania. It's a personal cosmology thing for me. Foxes at night are special.

The -ing stuff is a very good point. I might have a good look at a second draft to shift some sentences about.



Cheers,

Mark
digs Comment by: digs - 2007-08-10 09:16
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I thought this was an interesting idea for a story. A few things you may care to consider:

-Not sure you need â??slylyâ?? in the second sentence: itâ??s already understood from the context.
-Perhaps thereâ??s an overuse of â??ing clause+present tense constructions throughout: Giggling behind our hands, we sneak down â?¦; Driving, weâ??re adventurers â?¦; Kneeling on the muddy verge, Dad lifts its headâ?¦; Shaking, he closes its eyesâ?¦; Putting my hand on his shoulder, he pushes his head â?¦ I found the repetitiveness undermined the piece, reminded me it was fiction.
-The â??car rockingâ?? didnâ??t seem right for a collision with such a small animal: As we hit it, car rocking, the fox in the roadâ?¦
-The pelt is smooth and cold: It would still be warm at this point.
-The choice of title puzzled me a bit. I know â??Kitsuneâ?? means fox in Japanese, but the Japanese connotation seemed to be missing from the story (though Iâ??m no expert).
Siwanowicz Comment by: Siwanowicz - 2007-08-08 21:03
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I like this one. Thanks for sharing Mark!
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By markbrown

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