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We plant the bombs like flower bulbs, pushing them deep into the black soil of the moor.
The first explosion sends huge sprays of earth into the night. Laughing, Francis crushes his lips against my cheek. 'I told you! Just look at that!'¯ The second splashes more earth upward. The ground shakes.
For weeks after school, we'd copied plans from the internet; saving rockets from bonfire night; laughing as we sawed smuggled lengths of pipe.
Francis gestures. The third bomb detonates.
Sleeping at his house, I watch him, my insides sad, wanting to make him safe, to suck the anger from him.
I would, if he asked.
Face serious, eyes all pupil, Francis says, 'There's four. Where's the fourth?'¯
I know Francis will leave it for someone else to find.
'I'm going to check,'¯ I say.
'Don't be so fucking stupid. Never go back to a lit-'
A giant fist punches my chest. The world is badly tuned radio.
I feel his arms around me, cradling, pulling me to my feet. In the cold, his cheek is warm against mine.
I hear nothing but thick ringing.
He could be saying 'I love you'.
Kissing him, I taste soil and gunpowder.
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-08-17 19:36
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Reads like these are two schoolboys with nothing else to do but set off bombs, and one happens to have a crush on the other. The explosions are good in that their descriptions lead to lucid visuals - they coincide with the love-crush mood of the narrator... complete with a pause of unforgiving suspense before finally just planting one.
I'll admit though, I don't really know what's going on beyond the love story. That's not necessarily bad, but at the same time it made it so the story didn't stick out in my head very much. I don't emphasize with Narrator or Francis, may want to expand.
The dialogue is solid, nothing seems forced and in fact is very realistic. Was confused though in that Narrator is sleeping at Francis's house, then is up to check the bomb and is hit square in the chest... was the house that close to the bomb sites, or am I missing something?
Like 'The world is badly tuned radio.' and 'Kissing him, I taste soil and gunpowder.' - last line esp. is so metaphoric for the love in the story, a great end there.
In: "For weeks after school, weā??d copied plans from the internet; saving rockets from bonfire night; laughing as we sawed smuggled lengths of pipe." - I don't think you need the semi-colons. From what I understand, semis are for joining seperate, full sentences - so a comma would work fine. May be wrong there though, I'm no expert.
Also, really like the innuendo in:
"...wanting to make him safe, to suck the anger from him.
I would, if he asked."
Happy Writing. |
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The first sentence has a lovely cadence to it, and I like the precision of the last sentence. I also like the metaphor of the world as a badly tuned radio.
I want to know more about these characters.
Nice job; thank you for sharing this piece.
~J. |
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