writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
markbrown
mark brown
United Kingdom, London

Words: 205
Access: Public
Comments: 2

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  

Ask

We plant the bombs like flower bulbs, pushing them deep into the black soil of the moor.

The first explosion sends huge sprays of earth into the night. Laughing, Francis crushes his lips against my cheek. 'I told you! Just look at that!'¯ The second splashes more earth upward. The ground shakes.

For weeks after school, we'd copied plans from the internet; saving rockets from bonfire night; laughing as we sawed smuggled lengths of pipe.

Francis gestures. The third bomb detonates.

Sleeping at his house, I watch him, my insides sad, wanting to make him safe, to suck the anger from him.

I would, if he asked.

Face serious, eyes all pupil, Francis says, 'There's four. Where's the fourth?'¯

I know Francis will leave it for someone else to find.

'I'm going to check,'¯ I say.

'Don't be so fucking stupid. Never go back to a lit-'

A giant fist punches my chest. The world is badly tuned radio.

I feel his arms around me, cradling, pulling me to my feet. In the cold, his cheek is warm against mine.

I hear nothing but thick ringing.

He could be saying 'I love you'.

Kissing him, I taste soil and gunpowder.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up



[Back to top]
Comments  
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-08-17 19:36
Add to Readers
      
Reads like these are two schoolboys with nothing else to do but set off bombs, and one happens to have a crush on the other. The explosions are good in that their descriptions lead to lucid visuals - they coincide with the love-crush mood of the narrator... complete with a pause of unforgiving suspense before finally just planting one.

I'll admit though, I don't really know what's going on beyond the love story. That's not necessarily bad, but at the same time it made it so the story didn't stick out in my head very much. I don't emphasize with Narrator or Francis, may want to expand.

The dialogue is solid, nothing seems forced and in fact is very realistic. Was confused though in that Narrator is sleeping at Francis's house, then is up to check the bomb and is hit square in the chest... was the house that close to the bomb sites, or am I missing something?

Like 'The world is badly tuned radio.' and 'Kissing him, I taste soil and gunpowder.' - last line esp. is so metaphoric for the love in the story, a great end there.

In: "For weeks after school, weā??d copied plans from the internet; saving rockets from bonfire night; laughing as we sawed smuggled lengths of pipe." - I don't think you need the semi-colons. From what I understand, semis are for joining seperate, full sentences - so a comma would work fine. May be wrong there though, I'm no expert.

Also, really like the innuendo in:

"...wanting to make him safe, to suck the anger from him.

I would, if he asked."

Happy Writing.
citydweller Comment by: citydweller - 2007-08-17 09:56
Add to Readers
      
The first sentence has a lovely cadence to it, and I like the precision of the last sentence. I also like the metaphor of the world as a badly tuned radio.

I want to know more about these characters.

Nice job; thank you for sharing this piece.

~J.
1

Sponsored Ads


By markbrown

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S