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| I like the last two stanzas alot. The first three with references to thunder and lightning feel borderline cliche to me. I think you could achieve the same effect using more of the imagery similar to the last two stanzas. |
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Comment by: Stephie - 2007-11-13 12:53
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| The end of the poem is definitely the strong part of it. 'Terror runs through my body' is a bit overused. Perhaps you could go and revise a little of the first part of the poem, inciting some of the very strong figurative language of the end. I am very impressed with you as a young poet :) |
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| Hello Kelsey,, just trying to 'become featured' at present and therefore randomly commenting.. 'Simply Gone' it definately works! |
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Wow, I LOVE this... especially the one word lines. Very powerful.
Maybe I'm in awe of you because I've had these two lines written for about five years and can't figure out where to go with them..
Lightning dances across the sky
With thunder as its rhythm
So that's it! When I read yours I was gleeful that someone reached inside my head, pulled out the idea and put it to good use.
Thanks for sharing this. It's great! |
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Comment by: Frances - 2007-08-11 18:03
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Such emotion from one so young.The pain of love/life seems to have touched you. Great write, its simple and yet quite profound.
Frances. |
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