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Setting Up A Business ©
Setting up a business
is a costly thing to do.
Money, money all the time
I did not have a clue.
Machines, phones and packaging
it never seems to end.
Clothes, jewelery and other things,
all I do is spend.
Lots of boxes lying around
filled with all my stock.
Setting up a hifi
playing music such as rock.
Putting shelves up all around
for a beautiful dispay.
I will soon be ready
for a grand opening day.
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Comment by: Valerie - 2007-08-15 07:10
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I like this poem a lot. Original, at least to me. I am not a rhyme person, but used to be. I know the challenge, and fun it is to research, but usually the poet is not in charge of the poem; It's the rhyme that dictates
syntax. I stumbled in places, with the last lines.
Critique- In formal prose or poetry, we wouldn't use contractions, BUT, I felt in the first verse, second line, the cadence would improve if the last line read something like this - "I didn't have a clue."
Verse two-cadence would be improved if "seem" was removed, and then it would read "all I do is spend."
Verse three-end line "and play music such as rock" would sound a bit better possibly with 'playing music such as rock.'
Verse four, line 2 - typo "dispay" should be "display."
Line 4 - Cadence is a bit off here, and it might be due to "my." ?
Maybe - 'for grand opening day.' But, I'm not sure.
I never use contractions, but in fun poetry, like this, I think it would be fine. End-line punctuation is not needed. Feel free to ignore everything because this is only my personal taste in poetics. Still, a lovely fun poem. |
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| You did a good job of constructing a hectic atmosphere in this one. Again, great rhythm, though "all I seem to do is spend" seemed a little off. |
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Good luck darling!
If you set up a web site, let me know !!!
D.Dread |
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