Dating In Cyberia
A Real Life Experiment With Internet Dating
A Book Proposal
DATING IN CYBERIA
Every day approximately 10 million people go to dozens of dating websites to
seek a soul mate. To test how feasible, or ridiculous, this quest can be, we
created personal ads for 60 false identities -- mixing and matching varied
physical qualities, desires, and biographical details for each character.
Posting the fake ads on many different dating sites (where it's possible to see
all the responses, and a tally of how many people read each ad), we quickly
collected as many as 8,000 responses per ad.
Choosing the 40 or so ads that drew the most memorable or hilarious
responses, we gathered them into a book -- with a short analysis of each ad,
explaining our expectations when we posted it and summing up the quality and
quantity of the date seekers it attracted. The final collection of mating calls
and responses is an addictive read with the same appeal that has drawn millions
of viewers to Reality TV.
Modeling our experiment after Letters from a Nut, the humor book that has
sold millions of copies by presenting joke letters to corporations along with
their genuine responses, we created fake dating identities that exaggerate the
outlandish qualities of the love seekers on real dating sites. We pushed the
limits to see how wacky we could be and still get serious replies. For
comparison, we tested to see if the same ad would get a different type of
response if we posted it with a photo of an attractive person or a
plain-looking person. (As we suspected, looks matter. The human species seems
to believe in perpetuating itself with beautiful genes only.) We also tested to
see if money made a difference. Surprisingly, one of our profiles -- for a
plain-looking man who had won $10 million in a lottery -- generated less than
10 replies.
To make this social experiment as entertaining as possible, we created as
diverse a dating subset as exists in the real world. For instance, we placed an
ad for a widower with six kids whose wife electrocuted herself as she vacuumed
up a water spill. We didn't expect his hard-luck story to get many letters from
women seeking a date, but he received hundreds. We also placed fake ads for: a
snake-wrangling superwoman (who received about 6000 responses); an ethnic dance
instructor on a cruise ship; a chimney sweeper who's recovering from
claustrophobia; and many others.
Dating in Cyberia will make an extremely fun, entertaining impulse buy,
particularly for singles, who make up 43 percent of the population. The
outrageous fake profiles are read-out-loud funny, particularly when combined
with the sincere or demented responses. Thousands of people have taken out
personal ads, or answered them. But even if you've only secretly read them,
this book provides a vicarious thrill and a lot more laughs than a genuine
cyberdate.
Sample Personal Ads and Responses:
1)
Chimchimeree
Wanna
be swept off your feet?
My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Huntington Station, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green
Height: 5 feet 8 inches / 172.7 cm
Body Type: Slim / Slender
Languages: English, A little Spanish
Ethnicity: Middle Eastern
Religion: Spiritual, but not religious
Education: College graduate
Occupation: Self Employed
Smoker: Yes
Drinker: Sometimes
Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: Pickup Truck
Celebrity I resemble: Katie Couric
Favorite food: Spaghetti and Meatballs
Do I want Children: Undecided
Her description:
Life is great! Just need to find someone like Dick Van Dyke! LOL! I am the
owner of a Chimney Sweep Company plus a recovering claustrophobic - so the two
together make me a pretty intresting person. I knew I had to conker my fear so
I went for it! Day in and day out I am surrounded - the first few times weren't
pretty. But now I go in knowing I will come out alive, filthy, but alive! When
I'm not sweeping I'm part owner of a nail salon which I manage. People think I
only wear black lacquer! LOL! On my days off I like to bike and shop by day and
relax with a margarita at a karaoke bar at night. I've met a lot of great
people in this business; you'd be surprised how many people quit their jobs
because they are sick of someone breathing down their neck and go into chimney
sweeping. You basically are your own boss once your inside. And you'd be
surprised at how quick you can learn it.
Her ideal mate would be:
I like tall muscley guys who know where they have been in life and where
they are going (even if they have to ask for directions). I like guys who try
new things and aren't afraid to sieze the day even if its night! Guys who can
teach me something new if I give them half a chance. Who aren't afraid to walk
a little different if thats who they are. Sometimes because of my job I may
have a smokey scent (hey it beats musk!) but I've been told its sexy! When I
was having my wedding shower the joke was let's make my shower a real one (I
got a lot of soap!) I hope you like the country and the blues because I know some
great places around here. BYOB-bring your own broom so you can sweep me off MY
feet! Show me how charming you are in your response and be swept off of YOUR
feet!
Despite the
excessive number of misspelled words, Chimchimeree's profile was read by 6,000
people, and about 1000 posted a response (many of which also needed a spell
check). When we created the ad, we were wondering what kind of guy would be
attracted to an educated woman who writes as if she never paid attention in
class. The answer: Most of her romeos shared her immunity to the effects of
higher education. Well, at least they were open-minded enough to consider a
date with a chimney sweep who has claustrophobia and a faint smoky scent. If it
was good enough for Mary Poppins'
Responses
Hi:
I haven't had a lot of luck dating chimney sweeps, but I'm willing to try
again. Please read my profile and let me know if you would like a photo. I work
in commercial building engineering/maintenance. It's a start.
Bye,
Keith
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My curiosity is about your vacation -- and how you ever got involved with
dirty... sooty.... chimneys? It's great to forget the humdrum of the daily
toils... but it's difficult to forget the smell of #2 oils! It's equally
difficult to remove the soot from your nails... hair ... and
"everything" else.
Snowy, slippery roofs can ruin a day too.
Other than what I have already said... and if you have not clicked this
message
away... you look like a cute, normal person. I am a single guy that has
answered
few of these ads, but you seem so irresisable.
Don't let go of the ladder.
Donnie M.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry I'm in Kansas but I just
stopped by to say you look great and don't worry
about that smokey aroma, BBQ ribs often smell of smoke and look at how they
have
made out. So long cutie and beware of cinders.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sweeper:
The dating service's gods sent me your profile and your picture, and your
smile lit up my screen.
I hope that wasn't too corny.
To do that, I was thinking we could get to know each other -- especially
since I
have two chimneys.
I found your profile honest, sincere, quite appealing, and would like to get
to
know you.
I enjoy an enthusiasm for adventure, health and a passion for life. I pursue
a
healthy lifestyle, work out quite a bit, am very fit and have a great sense of
humor.
I believe that is where I get my zest for life.
I understand that my profile and picture will be attached to this message.
If I sound and look interesting to you, I hope you'll respond.
I await your reply.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi...
You have an interesting combination of interests. I am curious why someone
with a college education would decide to run a chimney sweep company, unless
you're kidding (because of the claustrophobia remark and the fact that Dick
VanDyke was a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins).
I admire other cultures a lot... especially the asian cultures and would
like to
meet an asian lady to marry. I have been to Asia and
think that asian ladies are the most beautiful in this world.
I live in Central New
York State... I
don't know if it's within 100 miles from you or not, but where I live is a very
beautiful area with many chimneys.
Please read my profile. If you like it and reply, I'll send you a picture
and maybe we can get to know each other.
Have a great day and I hope that I hear from you.
- Mark
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i am waiting you to have love and fun with us.
you are shour you from middle east???
are you love come back to visit middle east and see pyramids and rever nile.
i am looking apout serious relationship.
if you like me e-mail me soon.
sam.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you crack me the hell up already.
rick
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2)
Poodlejumper
Home
is where the heart is
My age: 28
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Chicago, Illinois
Hair: Light Brown Eyes: Brown
Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm
Body Type: Slim / Slender
Languages: English
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: Don't practice
Education: Some college, but didn't graduate
Occupation: Other
Smoker: NO!
Drinker: Sometimes
Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: Jet airplane
Celebrity I resemble: Helen Hunt (with brown hair)
Favorite food: Happy Meal
Do I want Children: Most Definitely
Her description:
Hi! Well first of all I hope you like dogs, poodles to be specific, because
I work with them and have to take them home. My house is filled with them! I
started The Poodle Rescue League and am on my 31st "client". My
marriage ended when I brought home #19 a year ago! What I do is reprogram them
from abuse-did you know that overspoiling a dog is abusive? Poodles are like
kids, if you give them too much they turn into ungrateful, whining,
temperamental creatures. They are very smart and know what they are doing.
Anyway, I've been working 24/7 to build my business and need a break. I like to
do needlepoint (i read that Russell Crow does too!) and badmitten and bowling
and hotwax sealing (I design my own seals).If we hit it off I'll knit a commode
cozy or whatever and I'll send you a poodle hotwax seal that I sell at pet
craft shows. I guess you could call me creative. I love craft shows and flea
markets.
Her ideal mate would be:
I'm looking for a guy who is honest and has a lot of integrity and knows how
to treat a lady. You don't have to hold the door for me all the time just 90%!
I WILL NOT get on a motorcycle or jet ski because I was in traction when I was
23 - I wasn't ON the bike, I got hit by one at a company picnic (he was fired!)
I hope you are handy around the house and can make shelves and things like
that. I'm never touching a circular saw again but I'll save that story for
later. I'm a little accident prone which is why I'm kind of a homebody. If you
don't mind hanging around the house on weekends and don't mind cleaning up
after dogs I'd like to hear from you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE write more than
one line so I can judge your personality by your response!!!
Is there
anyone out there who's looking for a poodle freak with a side interest in hot
wax sealing and a come-on line that includes the promise of a knitted commode
cozy? We didn't think so. But we were oh so wrong. Thirteen thousand people
responded to this ad, which may have something to do with the fact that we
attached a photo of a beautiful woman. Contrary to our expectations,
Poodlejumper didn't attract a slew of dog lovers. Many respondents felt sorry
for her because of her obvious klutziness and were dying to know the circular
saw story. In fact, many of her paramours had a story of their own to tell and
asked if they could compare bruises.
Responses
Hello, I had to laugh about your circular saw comment. It just so happens
that I am a trainer for a power tool company. If you would like, I can teach
you how to operate the circular saw safely! Or any other tool you would like.
Around the office, I am referred to as Mr. Sawdust. I have been working with
all these tools for some time now. It is a lot of fun as it is also a hobby of
mine. I enjoy woodworking and doing different things around the house. Shelves?
No problem... I think your work with the dogs sounds cool. My grandfather
always had poodles, and I also thought they were very smart. It was very
unusual that these dogs would never be very friendly to anyone in the family
except me. Thank you for the opportunity to introduce myself a little, it would
be nice to start some conversation with you.
Hope to hear from you.
Thanx,
Dennis
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,
I started reading your profile and to be honest I was not sure of writing,
but
then I read the rest of your profile and if anything, we both share a love of
circular saws. I thought if we don't hit it off, at least we could share our
saw stories, because I have one of my own and I'm sure it will make you feel
better about yours. Besides a love of saws, it sounds like we have similar
interests, I've been know to stay in on weekends and hang a few shelfs, I
usually go over board with projects around the house but I've never knitted a
commode cozy, I don't even know what that is. Anyway check out my profile and
if your intrested in chatting, let me know.
Len
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
but seriously, what the hell is a hotwax seal? do you do
brazilian?
N---
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Poodlefile I feel like I already know you because yesterday I emailed
you what I thought was a funny and interesting and open and great and
blah,blah,blah,message about your sickness for poodles.I was so pleased about
my
little message that I actually stood in my office and did a back flip off of my
desk,out the window and into the dumpster unscathed and found the rest of the
bagel that I pitched out the day before in haste.Man was I happy with my
literary masterpiece.Well... today I come into my office and see I have a new
Email. Golly! I say to myself wouldnt it be neato if my poodle toting buddy
from
Chi town recieved my little message.Instead their is a message from the bunko
squad saying that since this is my first message(which by the way was my very
first attempt to send anyone a message my poodlemad compadre)I have to go through
this channel and that and my message will not be seen by you or the masses of
literary starved homosapiens.So am sending this message to say that hopefully a
day will come when I ******** ******* the third will be able to forward my
saved message to you.I am not really a third or a master thesbien like you
surely assummed. yours truly redman.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
....I can write more than one line. I HATE poodles by the way.....but compared
to cats, I love them. I really hate cats and I like animals.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,
I am interested in talking to you about your poodle rescue effort. I have a
black standard poodle, 4 years old. I have had poodles my whole life.
I might be able to help you with placing the dogs you rescue.
I am straight and not contacting you for any other reason but to find out
more about your Poodle Rescue efforts.
Thanks.
Jane
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you communicate no other thing to me, I must know what a poodle hot wax
seal is! I'm assuming it is the imprint on the seal of a letter. I love flea
markets! Estate and garage sales too. I've all but given up the latter because
of time. Any mishap involving a circular saw sends shivers down my spine - I
hope you're OK. I am a hobbyist woodworker and will ocaisionally have a
daydream-nightmare involving a table saw. The people around probably wonder why
I turn dead white on occaision. Thanks for writing a good profile that gave me
something to write
about.------- Calvin
3) Windshear
Wanna
Ride?
My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Lincoln, Massachusetts
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Brown
Height: 5 feet 6 inches / 167.6 cm
Body Type: Athletic
Languages: English
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: Spiritual, but not religious
Education: Graduate Degree
Occupation: Executive management
Smoker: Nope!
Drinker: Hardly ever
Marital Status: Never been down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: A red Ferrari
Celebrity I resemble: Mary Stuart Masterson
Favorite food: Steak Tar Tar
Do I want Children: Undecided
Her description:
I'm not your everyday girl. You probably haven't met anyone like me. I know
I haven't! I'm a guy's girl because basically I'm fearless. I take on any challenge.
I don't like to sit still, you could call me hyper! I've jumped out of planes,
raced motorcycles and have my black belt in karate. Yeah, a REAL Charlie's
Angel! But don't be intimidated I'm soft on the outside (some might say on the
inside too!). Even though I used to work in a herpetarium (grew up in Texas)
and had to handle some mean looking things I still like lacy lingerie, bubble
baths and Almond Oil massages. Hope you do too! I've broken just about every
bone in my body doing what I love to do from rock climbing to riding
thoroughbreds to hang gliding. I like living life on my own terms and don't
always play by the rules. I've gotten into a few scrapes but can always charm
my way out! Rode a Harley topless in the rain down in the Keys, hiked Hawaiian
volcanoes and bungee jumped off a cliff in Rio. If you
are up for your own challenge I'd like to hear from you!
Her ideal mate would be:
Some men say that I am a challenge; I don't put myself in that category at
all. Basically, I'm looking for a guy to pick up the pieces of me when I come
home broken. I can't cook, (sorry!) but I would love it if you could. Maybe
just some pasta or pancakes, tacos or tuna fish would be okay, because I
usually don't stop too long to eat. Maybe opposites will attract, maybe my guy
can be the quiet shy type. At least not too shy enough to administer the
aforementioned Almond Oil massages! But I do love to laugh, so please, please,
please have a sense of humor. Even though I have been know to toss back a few,
I don't drink too much, so don't you either. I have to be sharp, just to be me!
Looks are not all that important to me, just be yourself and so will I, and
let's see what develops from there. Oh yeh, only an idiot answers an ad from me
with just one line, or a "cut and pasted" response!
By far the
most popular profile we created, this ad was read by nearly 15,000 people, and
about 3000 of them posted a response. Windshear was our firstborn -- we started
out with a bang -- a combination of Wonder Woman, Xena the Warrior, and the
Bionic Woman. We wondered who would take the bait if we created an
indefatigable, undefeatable super female. Would men be intimidated or look to
her as the ultimate conquest? Judging from the responses, she appealed mostly
to men who wanted to challenge her to some sort of sporting duel. (Many of them
begged her not to ''break me.'') Though she's a grad student and executive
manager, Windshear didn't catch the attention of the intellectual crowd --
except, of course, one lawyer who compared himself to the snakes she used to
handle. Oh, and then there's the bike racer who quotes Voltaire'
Responses
So I became a bit exhausted reading your profile but at least it was
refreshing
to hear your a sportswoman as against someone who worships the gym.I am not
sure
whether I want to arm wrestle you or hold your hand.By the way I can cook.hope
to hear from you. thomas
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got a medic background, and I can cook all kinds of great pasta, and or
pancakes.. I raced bikes for a few years, and i know when and what to eat, not
to mention can give a great massage. Love the adventure, I know I can keep up,
and if need be I'll patch you up,start an IV, and get you back on the horse, to
get ya back home. Do ya do any winter sports? (like of course ya do, but
which?) Check out my profile, and give a shout, we can get out and do
something! Voltaire quotes; "You can learn more about a person in an hour
of play, than from a year of conversation..
I have off the last two weeks of Jan, so I'm open for anything.. Hope to hear
from ya.. Greg;-]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
not a one-line cut and paste type of guy here
but also - i have never done any of the things that you have - some i would
try
- some i would never - such as racing a motorcycle - or taking karate - but
most of the other stuff sounds enticing - at least i'm with an expert
i'm hardly the shy type - very outgoing - i just don't break my bones during
my recreational activities -
what i think we definatly have in common is your desire for a foot rub and a
massage - and my never ending desire to pamper the woman i love -
so - you say looks are not important - if that's true - i really have to
meet you no matter what - because you don't lie - i have never met anyone like
you
and if its just to meet as new acquaintances - and maybe future friends - so
be it - but in terms of romance - i joined because i am ready to settle down
for the last several years i have not dated - as i was focused pretty much
exclusively on my work the last few years - and prior to that i was in a
long-term fully committed relationship
i'm not much of a cook - but i can order in just fine and can have the table
set nicely with some candles for you when you come in muddy and bleeding -
to the extent you find that my thoughts on life and love mirror yours - it
would be at the very least - an eyeopening experience to meet Mrs Evil Knevil
hope to hear from you soon
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you stretch your horizons a bit and look West around the curve of the
earth you might find what you want. I'm imagining rubbing almond oil into your
skin, gently, searching for knotted muscles to massage, finding your sensitive
places to touch with exquisite care. I'm on the move this winter, looking for a
new place to alight. Write to me!
4) Sixkidsdad
Looking
for a date!
My age: 41
I am a: Man
Looking for: A woman
Home: Leonia, New Jersey
Hair: Brown Eyes: Blue
Height: 5 feet 11 inches / 180.3 cm
Body Type: Average
Languages: English
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: ????????
Education: No Answer
Occupation: Teacher
Smoker: No
Drinker: Sometimes
Marital Status: Widowed
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: Mini-Van
Celebrity I resemble: Albert Brooks
Favorite food: Something nutritious
Do I want Children: No
His description:
Yep I am a widower. With six kids to boot! I have been on my own for three
and a half years. My wife met her untimely death in the garage trying to Vacuum
up the water left by a midsummer's thunderstorm. I told her to get the water
out of the garage, and instead of choosing to use the Shop-Vac, she was
electrocuted with the Electrolux. I feel a little responsible for her horrible
death, because I feel as though I should have been the one cleaning up the
mess, rather than drying off my new Harley. My therapist is helping me let go
of the past and look towards a brighter future. I would love to find a woman to
share it with.
His ideal mate would be:
As you can well imagine, I don't have much time left over after working a
full time job, fixing nutritious meals (I'm dead set against fast food) for my
clan. I can't remember the last time the dryer was completely empty and all of
the laundry was put away. If you have at least two kids of your own, you'll
sympathize with the laundry part. I'm NOT looking for a mom for my kids. I can
comfortably be both Ma and Pa to their needs. I've managed on my own for this
long. What I am looking for is a companion for ME!
Women are
comparatively wary when it comes to reading and answering ads. Of the several
male profiles we posted, this one earned the most attention -- but it was read
only by 200 people and received a mere 30 responses, much less than any of our
female profiles. Most of the women who wrote to Sixkidsdad sympathized with the
challenge of being a single parent and offered to take him out on the town. No
one seemed to be bothered by the fact that he blamed his wife for her own death
(because she used the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner). The respondents included
a wide range of women, from an everyday housewife to a pre-law student 20 years
younger than Sixkidsdad. The most interesting thing about the women who
responded to this ad (and some of our other ads) is that they don't seem to
stick around the dating sites for a long time; usually when we check to see if
their profiles are active in two-to-three months they've vanished into that big
dating vacuum -- presumably without an electrical or romantic shock.
Responses
Hi, your headline got my attention and then after reading your profile my
gosh its so sad and I am so sorry to hear your sad story. You are a brave and
sensitive man raising six kids and my sympathy is with you. If you would like
to respond please do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hu-Ke-Lau!
Salsa Dance and Who Do You Love? I'm 24, blonde, naked and I want you. Need
I say more? I just got my new web cam and I want to try it out and share my
pics with you. Get back to me QUICKLY!
Luvvers,
Sydney
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hear you about the laundry Why don't you let me know what you think after
you see my profile.
Diane
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what your semester looks like, but you sound like a guy who
needs a vacation, or at least someone to talk to/email with! I'm a teacher,
too, although I don't think my profile is quite yet out there.
I've spent the last few years wishing I could turn back the clock to one
moment and change one decision that nearly had the same outcome for my husband.
He survived, but the event ultiimately ended my marriage. It isn't on the same
level as yours, but I do know what you're going through.
That you have so many children around to remind you that, in some ways,
she's not really gone is reassuring. And I promise, the rolling over in the
middle of the night and still thinking she is there will stop eventually. My
suggestion is to not put it behind you, but to cast the blame away somewhere so
that you are only left with positive memories. She would not want you to cloud
what you need to preserve for your children and for your sould with blame or
guilt or anger over her choice.
Eventually, the pain subsides, and you are left only with the warmth of
those good memories, like a warm blanket on a cold day. I promise.
I wrote this last part in case you don't write back, but I hope you do, even
if only to have a friend who understands.
"Liz"
5)
Funny ComediAnne
Let's
have a BLAST!
My age: 38
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A Man
Home: New York, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Blue
Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm
Body Type: Slim / Slender
Languages: English, Finnish
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: No answer
Education: Graduate Degree
Occupation: Self Employed
Smoker: No
Drinker: Sometimes
Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Short term relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: 1955 Corvette
Celebrity I resemble: Andie McDowell
Favorite food: Something quick- I'm a busy woman!
Do I want Children: NO!
Her description:
HI! I hate to judge people by their career. Let me start with that comment,
and then tell you what I do to pay the bills. I'm a MALE impersonator. I do
Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Cruise (in Top Gun and Days Of Thunder), George Carlin,
Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore), Don Rickles (remember him- most people
don't!), Jack Tripper from "Three's Company," and the King himself,
Elvis. You should see me dressed in my sequined jumpsuit and glue-on pork chop
sideburns; belting out 'Heartbreak Hotel.' I could pass for a busty King! Sometimes
if I'm on a roll, I'll slip in Redd Fox and Andy Griffith. When I can't get any
impersonator gigs, I get by with my stand up act. I make enough to support
myself and eat if you have a burning desire to know (plus I own a house!) I was
born in Moscow (my birthday is Feb. 14, so I might be Cupid's sister) to
Russian parents (DUH!), though I don't consider myself Russian, as I moved to
the US when I was only 2 years old. I don't even know my native language! I
love living in New York, because
of the traffic. I'm kidding.
Her ideal mate would be:
If the above intrigued you, answer back. But if you were thinking 'This
broad is nuts,' then click above and below to get the perfect girl to right
your canoe. I'm crazy funny, and fun to be around. I'll keep you in stitches
and I can't even sew! I'm looking for a guy to light up my life because I have
so many broken lamps that need fixing. Like I said, money means nothing to me
so don't try to impress me with your Porsche. Ideally, you would be as zany as
I am and we could pull pranks that 12 year olds would be proud of! If you think
that I look young for my age you'd be right! I haven't any runny nosed kids
dragging me down, although I wouldn't care if my man had kids from a previous
encounter. I'm warning you----- please don't insult my intelligence with a one
line reply'only guys that know how to spin a yarn get the map to where this
princess is sleeping!
Holy
identity crisis! Why would red-blooded American guys go for a woman who spends
most of her life pretending to be a man? The answer is not quite clear, though
it's safe to say that gals like ComediAnne require a refined taste -- only 60
guys responded to this ad, which was read by nearly 7000 men. (This was by far
our worst ratio of readers to respondents.) Out of those who did respond,
several were jokers with their own gags. Judging by the quality of their laugh
lines, these guys may need to seek a mate who doesn't have a sense of humor.
Responses
You seem very attractive and the type of person i would like to meet. You
know i thought up a joke the other day. I said to myself this would be good for
a stand up joke but if i tried stand up i would only have one joke.So who could
i get to use this one- Then i saw your ad. Well that is not the only reason i am
writting you. You seem very interesting. I like people that are creative and
independent. See if you think you can use this-You might have to spice it up at
bit with your charm.---
"I was in my office the other day and thought- wow it is quiet in here
so I thought it would be nice to have some music and so i dialed the electric
company on speaker phone and of course they put me on hold for half the
afternoon with some cool tunes! Problem solved"
I think it would sound better if told rather than in an e-mail. If you might
be interested in me i can send you a picture. lol
Timothy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I mean it's not like I've been looking for you or anything like that.
Really,
I swear. I've only been doing stand up for a couple o years but I'll be at
Stand Up NY, this Sat at 5 for a contest. I know contests are kind of Michael
Rodent, I mean Mickey Mouse but I don't live in NY yet. But I've visited there
to know its energy is altogether addictive. In fact I'm in a twelve step group
called NY Wannabe's Anonymous. I went to a meeting and stood up and said,
"Hi, my is Steve and I'm a Wannabe New Yorker. And everybody said,
"You? Hah!" I just wrote that so it's a little rough but I like the
concept. What do you think? By the way, I remember Don Rickles on The Dean
Martin Show. Actually I'm not really that old. I just bought these dentures so
I wouldn't have to floss. I'm tired but skip this round of the contest, I'll be
in Manhattan soon, Let's hang out,
in priviet. Later Dude... Steve' PS Comedienne is spelled with 2 Es but I have
no clue with the Cyrillic Alphabet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We absolutely must get together...this will be the greatest match since
Laurel and Hardy(ok, I'll be Hardy). I absolutely think what you do is wild!
Bonus points.....I don't own or want any VW products!
I really think we could have a blast...give it a try..what could you
loose..your sanity??
Would love to hear from you, Tom, Jerry or the rest of the boys!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Funny Cross Impersonator- truly one of the most stupifyingly brilliant
narratives since - well since the advent of online dating. I was not there to
see it but I'm certain it was -momentous.
FYI - you were on a page postioned just above a woman from Russia
who both spoke and cooked in that manner. A perfect juxtaposition I'm sure.
I've got to know- if we were to meet - could I come to see your show- come
what may? It sounds entirely appealing.
I'm sending my true profile, only somewhat abridged, and have an excellent
photo that I would be delighted to bring along to a first meeting. Will also
bring a functioning and occasionally funny brain.
Very best regards,
Paul
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello funnycomedianne,
OK, OK... so I still get to be the guy... right? This is kind of like a
train wreck, or a karate movie in slow motion. I just can't help myself.
The first one is free:
So you all know about Yahoo... right? Do you know what they call it in Switzerland?
Yodel! No really, that's what they call it. Do you know what they call it in Texas?
Yeehaw!
So look over here to the left... down a little.. a little more... there I
am.
I'm from Texas...
Lucky me! I know for a fact that there is an airport within 100 miles of
where you live. So when you think about it, it still hurts. Try not to think
about it too much. In reality its probably our parents' fault. The same ones we
blame our prosperity and freedom on.
The sign post up ahead... bling bling bling bling bling... its a train! I
always wondered what a bling was... now I know. Was that one too many blings? I
think so. Make it four.
Your on in 5, 4, 3 . .
Funnyguy246
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi funnycomedianne,
Meeting you would fulfill my fantasy of dating a busty Elvis. And we are a
match to the extent that I fit somewhere in your height requirement of three
foot one inch to eight feet eleven inches.
If I've sufficiently aroused your curiosity, I await your reply. ---Harmon
6)
Goth Girl
Goth
girl seeks same (?)
My age: 26
I am a: Woman
Looking for: Either
Home: New Rochelle, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green
Height: 5 feet 10 inches / 180.3 cm
Body Type: Slim / Slender
Languages: English,
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: No Answer
Education: No answer
Occupation: No answer
Smoker: No answer
Drinker: No answer
Marital Status: No answer
Seeking: Casual, or Short term relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: Hearse
Celebrity I resemble: Cher
Favorite food: No answer
Do I want Children: No answer
Her description:
I am what you may call unconventional. I was a Goth in high school and never
heard the end of it from my parents. I am totally into dark art and religious
iconry. That is not to say I am religious but I am pantheistic which finds God
in all things. I have been called unique and wish to stay that way so please no
'saviors' need respond. I am very well read on art and art history and am
planning on being well traveled as soon as I can find the time to get my
passport. You know that artist Christo who did all sorts of crazy things like
'Wrapped Trees' and different colour storefronts as art; well I do stuff like
that. My art reflects my passion for new perspectives on old ideas. Right now I
am working on a project that some see as ludicrous yet it would be the first of
its kind involving real human beings. Siamese twins are usually liberated from
each other through medical procedure; I have found two lovers who are so
devoted to each other that they want to be surgically joined. It will be a
profound statement on the nature of love and totally original. I have applied
for an artist's grant and am waiting to hear back.
Her ideal mate would be:
I am bi and believe we all are but most have repressed our true nature. I
don't care what gender you end up being as long as you are real. You don't
follow the herd and they don't follow you because you would be too weird for
them. You must love galleries, college bookstores, performance houses, and
theatre of the bizarre, cafes and the avant guard in all its cultural forms.
You have to vote independent and be socially conscience. Your religion or
spirituality, politics and sexual expression should mesh and represent you as a
divine being, artist and citizen of a new world yet to be born. Bald, goatees,
shaved body hair, hungry looking, body art, piercing, extremes of flat chested
or huge-breasted, nail art ' all cool in my microcosm. Smokers and experimenters
OK. Want to hear from you so we can make art in our own image, but PLEASE be
original in your response. ABSOLUTELY no one line responses will be even
read!!!!!
Pretentious?
Moi? We suspected that this Christo-loving overgrown teenager might scare away
most love seekers. And, as it happens, the 200 responses to this ad (which was
read by 2000 people) were mostly one-liners from guys who couldn't resist
making a wisecrack. Meanwhile, the longer responses seem to prove once and for
all that many people who answer online personal ads have only one purpose in
mind' to tell another person more about themselves than anyone would want to
know! Oddly, Goth Girl prides herself on being a paragon of unconventionality,
but she received several replies from very conventional male jocks -- the kind
of people she'd prefer to sacrifice on some sort of altar before she'd consider
dating them. Because this was one of the most colorful ads that we posted, it
garnered some replies that are equally as imaginative. Even one from another
bisexual girl who just had to write to discuss the fine qualities of two male
friends'
Responses
Hi ;
well, I am impressed that there is a female version of me, albeit a bit younger
I wont hold it against myself that I didnt figure me out til I was like 28 but
what the hell at least we arrived at the same place. Firstly, not that I am the
great sexual god of all time although what ever I do I try to be as good as I
can be, I wouldnt even think about dating a girl who wasnt bisexual because I
believe what you believe , about everyones sexuality. It is a freedom of
expression and individuality and my beef with most adults is they are all
oppressed into believeing when you get older you have to stop living. My
childhood, meant freedom to me, and I was afraid that when I grew up I would
have to adhere to the wills and demands of society, but I quickly realized that
I really didnt , and so I am very different from any other adult I have ever
met, and it looks like you are gonna be one of those too. (): Welcome to my
club. You have a magnificant way of wanting to express your freedom without the
inhibitions so many people have . Your magnificant and I would love to be your
friend even if I never kissed you, romanced you or lusted you, it would be a
positive life experience. I as well would free you even more if thats possible.
(: I do what I want, when I want, how I want and try not to interefere with
anyone
elses space. Some people look at me as if I am weird because I love the same
things now as when I was a wild teenager. I havent let society change my venue
or taSTE. I love animals and music , and am very involved with both in many
different unique sucessfull businessess all of which I created. I have a very
fertile open mind and am eagerly ready to accept all. I love life and I take
advantage of it every day. I hope you dont pass up the opportunity for us to at
least talk a bit you will find me, at the very least , interesting. I passed on
the object of looks as being important after I ended a 2 year relationship with
a beautiful model, and although she was bruilliant and cool and down to earth,
she could not let go of so many of those pre conceived notions about how to
live her life. We are still good friends although she really hasnt realized
fully that it can never be again , because she isnt really free minded like she
likes to thin she is .
You have inspired me that I can actually find a grown up that isnt messed up,
by everyone elses willds and rules. God bless you, and dont ever ever change .
your the evolution of mankind , or at least a preview.
Lets chat
Anthony
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I'm practically speechless, having never read something so
inappropriate, bold, yet awakening all at once. I hope you don't mind my saying
so but besides all that you have said of which I have read you seem normal.
Although your interests may diverge from the popular poles your photo galery
defies any counterhuman strain. My ways and expressions aren't quite as off the
wall (meaning that in the best way) as yours. I'm straight. I work my own
business, love art, drawing, sketching, designing, splurging on LP's, following
animal tracks in the snow. Check out my profile. It's not terribly mainstream,
so you might be interested, either way please RSVP. I'm very interested in
hearing more of what you have to say. Seriously and Sincerely, Wesley.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, your definately different but than again so am I.You look really
different
in all your pictures.Is that always you.You must be ever changing and
evolving.I'm an artist ,too.I'm an actor.I do TV to make money.But I do other
things ,too.
Christo is cool.He works on a huge scale.Very fun stuff.Do you pant people-I
mean there bodies- I like that stuff.You sound very interesting.Art is a great
place for inspiration.So is sex.
Your bi,huh.I admit,that is exciting.I can be pretty adventurous,too.I suppose
a hot goth like yourself knows a thing or two about Kink!Maybe you could put me
in my place or maybe I'd could turn the tables on you.Why don't we get together
and make some hot erotic art?OOPS! Did I get ahead of myself?
Anyway you look great and definately not boring.So lets talk.Maybe we can go
on some adventure soon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi GothGirl,
I was very intrigued by what you said You probably got 100s of messages.I
live in downtown Manhattan South of Wash Sq. Park. It would be great to get
together for a drink with you.Somehow this email reminds me of whales each
whale gives off their own particular sound and they hope another whale will
hear it. Otto
What did you do last weekend?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Goth
Greetings from northern CA. I know this is likely the most left field e-mail
you will see on here, but I have a nice guy friend from
Bennington College
who lives in Scarsdale NY.
He may not be Goth, but I know he spent a few weeks working for Christo the
year before he died (was the Island
Project I recall) My friend (Joe) was also on a dating service but I think he
bagged his profile as I think he said there were too many players. I told him I
would try to prove him wrong. Unfortunately, he does not have his profile showing
but I did manage to download what he said as well as his pics. One thing, he is
41 but you would not know it just from being with him. As I am also bi, he can
relate to it without being an asshole. (Do not tell me you have not yet
received an offer for a three some)If you want me to tell you more, just say
so. He is one of the rare catches you will find. And besides, he is a lot of
fun.
Rachael
7) Wordsmith
Tree
Hugger
My age: 30
I am a: Woman
Looking for: man
Home: Suffern, New York
Hair: Black Eyes: Green
Height: 5 feet 9 inches / 170.1 cm
Body Type: Slim / Slender
Languages: English, French
Ethnicity: Black / African American
Religion: No Answer
Education: Some College
Occupation: Other
Smoker: NO!
Drinker: Sometimes
Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Long term relationship
If I was a car I'd be a: Porsche
Celebrity I resemble: Rachael True
Favorite food: Waffles
Do I want Children: YES!
Her description:
Thanks for reading my profile. Words are very important to me; I'm a
proofreader for a small southwestern NY phone book company. It's amazing what
kind of mistakes printers make, such as one instance where the words 'Pootly
Nautch' were substituted for 'We're open until 8PM' in a pizza restaurant
yellow pages ad. I got into this line of work because I loved words as a little
girl and I pasted all sorts of words all over my room. One of my heroes is
Steven Vincent Benet, or his brother Billy Rose Benet. I must admit that the
career I chose doesn't pay very well; so to earn extra money I raise Bonsai
trees in my basement. It's amazing that you can stunt the growth of just about
any tree by pruning them in the right spots. One of my best sellers is the
Bonsai apple tree that bear fruit about the size of a green pea. Believe you
me, it takes about 1,000 of these tiny balls to make a really good apple pie.
Her ideal mate would be:
I'm looking for someone to share my love for words, so no poor spellers
please! Maybe someone that can help with my hobby of raising small trees for
profit would be nice too. It's a lot of work for one person to carry the
seventy trees that are in my basement up to my backyard to get sun every other
day, weather permitting. Yes, someday I do want children, and I realize that I
will have to give up my fondness of horticulture to be a good mother. But I
will never give up my love for words, so I hope that the perfect man will
understand. Also please know what 'garaticulating' means.
This
enterprising Wordsmith received a higher percentage of sympathetic responses
than any of our other profiles ' out of 3000 people who read the ad, 500
responded. Apparently, guys take pity on the quiet shy, brainiac type, or maybe
they think she's so readily available that she'll overlook their own flaws. We
wondered if anyone would realize how unlikely it is to grow apples on bonsai
trees -- but that didn't seem to be a problem. Maybe Wordsmith is just so
downright earnest that her suitors felt foolish calling her on it. They did,
however, fall into one trap we set for them. 'Garaticulating' is a made-up word
inserted into the profile to drive the sincere guys crazy as they searched for
it in their Webster's'
Responses
Greetings from Vermont
Map unchecked for the distance
Risking a hello
OK, so I like haiku... I also do some writing on the side. I enjoy writing
fiery letters to the editor, and have been published locally four times since I
moved here in 2001. I also have some essays up on line! :) And I was 40,000
words into the "great american (vampire) novel" when I realized it
needed to be
completely redone! *sob*
Hope to hear from you!
Albert
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People say relationships are hard work, but I didn't know they meant hauling
70 trees up and down every other day. It's a unique interpretation. Anyway. I
honestly have no idea whether we'd be right for each other or not, but you
sound interesting. Plus, I can't find "garaticulating" in either the
Webster's New World, American Heritage or Google. So
even if you're not interested, maybe you could satisfy my curiosity. Is it
horticulture related?
Best wishes, in any event,
James
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi!
Words are important to me too. 2 other people and I are writing a book that
should be coming out soon. And if all goes well it should be nearly as exciting
as those phone books you've been proofreading. (It's an investment book that's
kind of heavy on statistics.)
Hard for me to know much about you because some of your info isn't
materializing on my screen. But from what I can tell you seem kind of wacky and
fun and have some of the same aspirations I do. And you like cats.
Got to hop! Hope to hear from you soon!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frenzied sprint to merriam-webster ..unabridged (no less), produced nothing,
"nada," "zilch," "zippo," for
"garaticulating." if you are correct and word gets out, the academy
will be rocked to its very foundations (it's already teetering precariously).
suffer[n][ing]; we (or at least this wordsmith) await clarification with bated
breath (or "braided baths," depending on your point of view). as for
your horticultural bent, better hysterical japanese loosing cries of
"bonsai" instead of "banzai." here's to billy rose, and
better yet, sj perelman.
