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matt1
Matthew Nicholls
Australia, nsw, sydney

Words: 265
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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City Smells

CITY SMELLS
Dad would nudge me out of bed
(lying on broken springs)
and we'd take the old panel van
(at four in the morning)
to the Bush's warehouse.
I'd sit in the back
swaying on broken springs
as the smell of the exhaust
choked me.
I loved going there.
It was in the city
rats and drunks
fresh and dank.
I loved the carcasses.
Hundreds of them swaying in the morning breeze.
Dad would order the pick of the herd
and we would load up boxes of small body parts.
Then he'd take me to a cake shop.
We'd sit on the front seat
and chew on the soft pastry,
sticky and sweet,
the icing puffing up into my nose as trucks belched.
We'd drive back through the suburbs.
Away from the sea's cooling mist
out to the concrete heat.
On Fridays I spent the early morning
with my arms in offal.
Stirring the minced off-cuts and preservative
My hands pink and frozen.
At first I had to stop every few minutes
waiting for the blood to flow back.
Sometimes, I'd warm my hands on the old discarded fridge that smoked the hams. The charcoals glowed in the vegetable rack, the smoky cloud almost putting me back to sleep.
The sawdust soaked up the smell of meat and hid the old bits of fat. Twice a day I got to sweep the floors.
Maybe it was the smell of death.
Maybe it was the scent of where we all end up.
But I felt so alive.

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Comments  
kalamityj Comment by: kalamityj - 2007-09-08 13:18
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Yeah there's something nice and reminiscent here. I like that you chose this particular window into childhood. In fact I like it enough that I think you could go further. I mean that kind of in agreement with the last comment: some of it could be edited down so taht every single line counts that way you can build up stronger details. Sure there a carcasses here: do they smell like blood? death? dinner? rot? fresh? and how does that tie in to this boy's moment?

I too like the repetition of 'broken springs' though I'm slightly uncomfortable that you only do that sort of repetition at one point in the poem, just for the sake of flow and organization.

but there's a lot here. Realization. Nostalgia. And a lot of 'meat' to build upon har har:)
i'd love to see what you do with it:)
charlottescadeng Comment by: charlottescadeng - 2007-08-21 05:15
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Wow! This is amazing. It really carrys the reader along. Its inspired me!
blankpaper25 Comment by: blankpaper25 - 2007-08-20 21:53
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really enjoyed this
Juan2 Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-08-19 20:23
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The poem tucks us readers on a journey, gives us a peek into the life of the voice here. There are some great images you use - I really liked the lines:

"rats and drunks
fresh and dank"

and also the repetition of 'broken springs'

I do think you could edit this down a bit. The last few lines with their length interrupted the flow of the rest of the piece, I think.

But I really like those last three lines, too. They sum up the poem pretty well. It ain't pretty, but it's real life, and there's beauty in it. I think this may be a good rough start, but there is some tightening you could d - cut up some bits and make use out of every word you put out there (ex. 'the smell of meat' - you could be more specific here, give us the detail we're missing, what is the smell? Make us really taste it at the top of our mouths). Maybe break it into stanzas to help flow. Enjoyable read though, keep at it.

Happy Writings.
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By matt1

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