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It's Never Easy - Edit 9/15/07
Despair crushes me,
I hide under your protection.
Those bad memories fade to gray,
I see me in your eyes' reflection.
Uncertainty tries to catch me,
I run away with your hand in mine.
I feel the love of your stare,
And know you'll be there at the end of time.
You found me, Not much left to see.
Built me up, triumphantly.
Though I sometimes rage against your endeavor,
I hope you'll feel this way forever.
Forever in this insanity.
You always save me from self destruction.
Our lives together, you struggle to make,
Though, I sometimes fight against its construction.
You always show me, though I'm blind to see.
The way you feel and how you love me.
And you should know, you are so clever,
Betray your trust I would never.
I'll love you now, always, Forever.
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Comment by: history Online- 2007-08-27 14:35
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Grammar bores should be shot in the face, POINT BLANK!! I loved:
'Our lives together you struggle to make,
Though I sometimes fight against its construction.'
Cool observation, I like it a lot. I always like things I can relate to, that would be the selfishness in me! I can relate to a lot of your work. |
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I admire the fact that you put a lot of emotion into your poetry. However, the grammatical errors take the momentum away from your piece.
-Despair crashed onto me(.)
Definition of " ONTO " + - indicates position: used to indicate that somebody or something is located on something, or moves toward it so as to be on it. I sincerely doubt "despair" has those qualities. Also, having it "crash onto" you counter-acts the heavy, hopeless kind of feel the word "despair" has.
- I hide under your protection.
I see what you're saying in this sentence but "hide" isn't the right word for it. Try "cower" or "huddle" or something to that affect.
- I see (myself) in your eyes' reflection
-I feel the love of your stare
This is just bad sentence structure. Try " I feel your loving stare " or
" You stare at me with loving eyes " The way you have it written down, only her stare feels love for you.
- (I) know you'll be there at the end of time.
The way you have this written down, she will be there during the event that is times end but she may not be there before that time. Change "at" to "until".
- You found me(.) (There is)not much left to see.
- Built me up triumphantly.
"Built" is not a word. Also, who is doing the building ?
- Though(,) I sometimes rage against your endeavor
Rage is an feeling not an action.
- I hope you'll feel this way forever.
You haven't eluded to how you want her to feel.
-Our lives (,)together(,) (we) struggle to make (it)(.)
- Though(,)sometimes(,) (I) fight against its construction.
- You always show me (but) I'm blind to see (...)
(...)The way you love me.
If she FEELS love for you, she's automatically showing you " the way she feels"
- And you should know (that) you are so clever,
(I would never betray your trust)
I'll love you now(and) Forever.
No disrespect but I feel you need to pick up an English book and read it over a few times. These are basic grammatical errors that a writer or even an artist shouldn't be committing.
Simply put, what you are trying to say isn't what you are writing.
D.Dread |
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| The emotion - very real, carries one right through this piece. Thanks :) |
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