If Lari never described me about that part of 'Irongmara', I would have never known about it. Thanks to her choice of subject that compelled her to become an explorer. Yes, all my Khasi friends were students of Ecology.
Most of my time in hostel, would not be spent in hostel. Rather, would be spent in salons, small shanty tea stalls, mud melt floors of humble but neat sweet- shops, stinky fish depot, and on 'satranjees' along with hawkers sitting on the road in the bazaar-I was a rare customer, but a severe time killer for them'�they never complained. So I never had much time for sight seeing-or may be I never felt that philosophical enough!

My Khasi connection would always bring me images of'� 'Dame'-the voice, guitars, stuff notations '� '�, thousands of c# and and b flats, host of gospel songs that always made me cry and 'Lalmohan'�!!!
Now, why Lalmohan? Why on earth? Hmmm'�. Because, Lari loved it'�..because I loved the way Robert pronounced it 'lalll mohaaan'.There was something so sweet about that 'lalll' that made 'lalmohan' tastier '�not to mention the 'silent eye-fights' that Angie and I fought over who got the most sweetest lalmohan .well most of our fights use to be silent and baseless .
Most of my mornings in hostel started at 9 A.M and my specialization classes would start from 9.15.
A 15 minute 'Charlie Chaplin' treat was the only way out'�'�to burst into the class, often with an 'inside- out' yellow t-shirt exactly at 9.22 everyday. (The yellow STEELERS t shirt '�. I still haven't stopped wearing)

I never valued internals, was always a 'five pointer'� as Chetan Bhagat would put it. I believed high scorecards would always put you in trouble while facing interviews, as you are likely to face 10 more questions than one who has got a lower score.U know, as they say 'Ignorance is bliss'�.
So I hated marks'�'�'�'�.
'�..I loved Marx though!
I loved Keynes'�'�
I loved Sen'�'�'�
Marx almost killed capitalist economics
Keynes saved it
And Sen added the human touch to economics.
Assam University had three internals in one semester. I however had only 2, for the rule was best 2 out of 3.
It was in late November, when with the transition of thin air to heavy ,I started to have a few dozens of butterflies or may be even some squirrels in my brains and lower part of my naval
'�'� the naval thing could be explained by doctors as a positive correlation between mental tensions and stomach disorder. But the brain thing is what I liked'�I loved that restlessness'�it was like the sound of cricket that irritates u when you are trying to listen to a moonless night. The third internals were here! And I realized that it was from day after.

The nature was shouting at me and I had to run out of the class that day for the hostel loo. I ran and ran'�'�
but the road never seemed longer than today .Never ever! That was the longest road on this earth, I bet u.Finally, I reached the door to the loo and resigned'�'�. Blissfull! - The only feeling that could synonymise that release. It was like the sound of a teacher saying 'enough for today,'� after a boring 2 hours class that started at 3 pm in the darkrooms of a commerce department in Gurucharan College '�.
I rested that day, did not move out my room'�.I loved my room, infact the entire hostel loved it'�a big window, a sweet table and small chair which was big enough for my cute little butt. There was a secret why all other 119 boys of my hostel, wanted my room ---the girls hostel view was more than perfect'�..I was happy about the fact, till the day, Beulah informed me that most girls in C block( that is the block facing the boys hostel) had binoculars. I ordered curtains within hours.



Nature almost had a sore throat'�releases made freedom turn to boredom and weakness. Freedom infact sucked! Was forced to miss the class suggestions for the internal test next day'�.It was almost 7 pm. With no PCO's near by and given the fact that all hostel mobile phones verbally never had balance, all I could do is toss for the topics I was going to study.Well by the time I could even think of the name of the book where I would get the a detailed discussion on 'capability approach', it was time for dinner'�

I thought black coffee was a very good way out from over sleepiness, but never tried it'�. '�I got hold of Chotu-our Santa Claus in hostel. From 'Nasiruddin bidi' to Web cams he could manage them all in no time. He was a sweeper, who could cook, play football with authority, and sing bhatiyali songs by playing duitara .Most importantly the only person in the hostel who had the duplicate key to my room. He was proud of it! Ignorance is safe too.
Chatu brought me a sachet of NESCAFE CLASSIC from irongmara'�
But, the moment I drank it I slept. Well, my eyes slept not the brains.. Something was going on in my head that night.......I woke up at 3 am coz I could not sleep anymore'�.interestingly I felt better.

I opened a book and I found a chapter'�. 'Sen's Sense of development'�'�Thanks to the name that practically seduced me to start reading it'�
It started with a definition 'Expansion of human capabilities, through creation of opportunites, that a man can make use of, for leading a life he values it most.'� I screamed '�'�lovely'�'�It was Sen's sense. And my nonsensical sense!
I left the book there and I came out of the room I don't know why'� But, I came out for sure'�.and now started running down the stair case of the hostel'�'� I crossed the girls' hostel, the library and MBA department.
I was almost running'�I did not think anything. I just ran'�'�... As if the world wanted me to run! I was running for freedom. I was running because I could see thousands of hollow eyes staring at me, bubbling with capability, but starving with an opportunity to prove '�'�.I was suffocated with freedom while thousands lay 'un-free''�'�'� 'Grain Mountains and hungry Millions''�'�I was running coz economics was never more painful '�'�.never more beautiful '�'�.never more humane'�

Finally I reached somewhere I didn't know'�.the moon was still there; but ,there was an essence of sun somewhere'�it was around 3.45 am. I saw a host of unknown trees, some familiar bushes'�multicolored grass that glittered in the moonshine'�the dew brushed the leaves in a very sensual way. I was scared to walk faster, did not want to disturb the silence'�.the moon shine on the green was like a silver cream melting upon a plate of green salad. There was fluidity in that moonshine that made me feel wet. No it wasn't the mist. It was the calmness, the softness that a moisturizer would give. I breathe in the night, I breathe in the silence'�.. breathe in the moon and I breathe in the pain I held for so long'�'�
The first rays of sun peeped in. My eyebrows shrinked. I could hear voices of Phylliew and Lari talking about the Class presentation they had on 'bio-diversity of the plants and insects in tropical climates'. I understood where I was!
The sun just woke up from a long sound sleep and opened its eyes .I saw the place simultaneously with the sun. A feeling, my friends from ecology never knew what it's like. An experience to boast upon!
Slowly, I started walking back to the place I should be. The light had become quite bright by then. And I was also retuning to my humanistic senses'�. I was amazed by the distance I covered, it was really tiring to walk back to the boys' hostel.
I climbed up the stairs to the 1st floor and headed towards my room. 'A-19'�'�., written with a melted iron on the 'Stain-full' steel plate. Our hostel had three blocks, 60 boys each, all two storied, with a common refreshment center and dinning. The girls' and boys' hostels were on top of two distant hillocks'�separated by a needless huge U-turn. Needless in the sense that the girls' hostel was almost opposite to our hostel anyway'�Though the hostels were far enough to see anything, the civil engineers could not guess about the binoculars though!

I entered my room and saw that I left my book open. I closed it. I then turned and switched on the tape'�'�
It started singing'�'�'�
'Remember when you were young, You shone like the sun. Shine on you crazy diamond. Now there's a look in your eyes, Like black holes in the sky. Shine on you crazy diamond. You were caught on the crossfire Of childhood and stardom, Blown on the steel breeze. Come on you target for faraway laughter, Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!'�

Suddenly I realized it was 9. '�.I chose not to have my breakfast that day'�'� for I have had enough!
Chatu came looking for me'�..but I was gone. He thought I was still sleeping.
I came out of the hostel and took the U turn'�..Within few minutes I was near the examination hall. I have always been afraid of girls during exams as they gave me tensions. I respected there knowledge and chose to sit alone .Far''far from the'MUGG'-ing crowd'�!
The test started 9.15 sharp. All set down. I chose the first bench, I don't know why '�.The murmurs started. I was very quiet that day. So everyone thought I was over-prepared. They were right in the sense that I did not have anything to forget.I could breath in a tension in the air'�but I was calm'�.in fact, blissful!
Internals had one good thing about them -u just have to answer one question carrying 15 marks. No question papers. The question used to be written in the board by the concerned teacher. So all u have to do is pray for luck, as he turns and writes.
The teacher turned and started writing'�.
'Define Economic'�'�..'�'�'�I said, 'Gone!'�...he went on'�. ''�'�.Development as in view of Amartya Kumar Sen'�
'�.I tried to recollect what I read last night'�I could not.
I started writing'�

'Sen thought development was opportunity' '�'�'�'�'�.and then a complete blank

'�.I scratched it immediately, tore the paper and asked for a new one. Sir was furious on me. But eventually he gave me another one... I could hear few smirking from behind. I forgot everything! Soon I felt my face wearing colours....I sat there unmoved. I saw those hollow faces again .Watery eyes, twisted wings, and suffocated dreams. I felt I was running again, running away from my body now.

I could hear some ghastly voices singing
'Now there's a look in your eyes, Like black holes in the sky'�'�'�'�'�'�'�'�
Come on you target for faraway laughter, Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, Shine!'�
Over and over again'�.

Suddenly, a firm male voice penetrated my ears, 'Just one more minute'
My pen started writing'� (Not me'�).

'CAPABILITIES ARE BORN WHEN OPPORTUNITES ARIVE, BUT A CAPABLE PERSON DOES NOT WAIT FOR OPPORTUNITIES,
HE CREATES IT'�..
IF OPPORTUNITIES COULD BE SHOWERED TO THE POOR, THROUGH INCREASED INVESTMENT ON THEIR PRODUCTIVE SKILLS, THEY WONT SUFFER FROM CAPABILITY DEPRIVATION ANYMORE'�THEY WOULD BE FREE AND WOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE OTHERS FREE'�

I came out of the hall, looked up to the skies and just smiled. Ignorance is indeed bliss!


*** Shine on u crazy diamond---Pinkfloyd (Roger waters on syd barret) 1968.

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