writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
SacredV
Jenni-Leigh O'Leary
United States, FL, Orlando

Words: 311
Access: Public
Comments: 6

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Sweet Deceit

You want to touch, but you hesitate
Don't you worry I will not break
Tender skin, awaits your fingers
Sweet sensations, awaits the night

Finger tracing, along my lines
Tongue embracing, with exotic designs
A warm kiss, on the back of your neck
Another one, an your body's a wreck

Yearning for contact, yet still denied
Your body, your stomach, in butterflies
Touch me here, but only here
Now lick your lips, and keep your fingers there

As I lean in, you can feel my locks
The smell of their sweetness, has your brain in shock
The closer I get, the more your body shakes
With my hand on your thigh, now your body aches

So close now, to your perked lips
I move your hands, up to my hips
As you stroke the crease, begging for its core
You are again denied, for you must wait for more

You've made me move, my body sneaking behind
With a satin blindfold; "I think Its domination time"
With black polished nails, I massaged your head
A nice little tug, has you SCREAMING for bed

Not just yet'�.


Hmmm, I lean down, for that lustful embrace,
For our tongues to entwine with experienced taste
You feel my hands, direct your neck
Prepping your mouth, for that desperate peck

As our lips almost touch and the tingles begin
I slide a knife to your throat and watch your body go limp
While you lay there lifeless, with your jugular in two
I tilt my head to the side, almost sorry for you

I wiped a wet cloth, to erase my tracks
"If he only would have signed those damn contracts"
Now with A hint of regret, I looked ino my husbands dead eyes
Then said with a kiss: "A signature, would have kept you alive!"

Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Apollo Comment by: Apollo - 2008-03-18 02:43
Add to Readers
      
I don't respect cheaters but goddamn... Everyone makes a mistake once and awhile... Ahh maybe not. You definitely had me...

However I'd agree with Thunderpen... there needs to be a line that says something to the effect of "he should of known better," or "he picked the wrong woman to fuck with" the way you don't give it all away but you still keep your reader wanting to know why you were the wrong woman to fuck with... you know?

You're imagery is good, although I hate to admit I have one comment and it might be totally useless. But I think you should have some mention of a knife before it is used as a weapon. Even if it is an insignificant use, it will still make the symbol more powerful.

Lastly... I like how you break the ladt three stanzas from the rest becuase it is a change in attitude. action, and mood. I think that is very effective, can you find another place where you can add that again in this poem? Maybe not but if you can it may give the poem more symmetry...

hope you don't think I'm bashing this... I really like it... well done.
AlphaJan Comment by: AlphaJan - 2007-11-07 18:27
Add to Readers
      
Very good on the ending there. The poem does have its own unique flow but the flow is kind of off center sometimes. The first stanza has the third and forth lines not rhyming but I guess that is what you wanted or maybe there is a pronunciation of "fingers" and "nights" I don't know about.

Anyways, very surreal in a way and I like how you put emphasis with the manipulation compared to the whole outcome. Kind of like a delayed irony in it or should I say a more dystopian outlook when it comes to the emotion behind it. Very good though. Very good!
rupertdepaula Comment by: rupertdepaula - 2007-11-07 10:18
Add to Readers
      
i think the flow of the poem is really good. it not the kind of thing i'd usually go for, but that's just personal taste. Eroticly tender and darkly mischievious...so props for that
Emphassis Comment by: Emphassis - 2007-08-26 11:09
Add to Readers
      
To be 100% honest. The flow is lacking if I were to read it in my head. The poem is so personal that it's hard to relate. I imagine it being read phenomenally by you, but by myself, it's a bit here and there.
The poem has a lot of inflection not heard by reading it alone.
To simplify, I enjoyed it, but I think it's more of a performing poem.
SacredV Comment by: SacredV - 2007-08-25 19:34
Add to Readers
      
Thank you Thunderpen for these comments and critiques. This poem could use some tweaking and I appreciate your advice.
1 2 Next

Sponsored Ads


By SacredV

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S